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Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, we’re already at Week 3 of the Spring 2023 session. As the calendar turns to the month of May in the Year of Our Lord 2023, it seems that the excellent football conditions are finally going to make an appearance at the fields. My super cool weather app tells me that you’ll be looking at a sunny, 67 degree day (it’ll be 81 degrees here in Des Moines, Iowa, but I’m not gloating) at the fields, which is a far cry from the windy/sort of rainy season we’ve had so far. And it arrives just in time for us as, 

historically, in my years of writing this article for the league, Week 3 is the time where things really ramp up and we truly start to see who teams are this year. The rust from winter should all be gone as most teams have played a couple of games already. Add in one of the great weekends at the bar with Cinco de Mayo (someone explain to Scott Klussman that this means “May 5th”) and the Kentucky Derby and this has all of the makings of a fantastic Football Saturday. 

 

But what about what we’ve seen so far? Who has surprised? Who has already disappointed? Who is completely confusing? Let’s take a look at that so far. 

GOOD NOT BAD:

 

-Legends with Travis throwing

-Sticky Bandits taking a 2-0 record and looking like D1 favorites

-No Punt Intended with Travis throwing

-Bullet Club jumping out to a 3-0 start

-Wanderers fitting right in

-D3 overall looking pretty great

-Stegmeier still being incredibly handsome despite reports he’s actually 72 years old

-Buffalo Vice getting off to a 2-0 start

-Puckett All-Stars just casually tossing up 62 points

-Travis Henry’s Kids if they ever find a quarterback 

-The BAADies Ladies 

-Not So Sticky doing significantly better than the last time they were in D5

-Southside killing D6 in Week 1

-Blitzkrieg killing D6 in Week 2

-Any Breakfast Club team that scores 38 points

BAD NOT GOOD:

 

-Legends with Joey Batts throwing

-Sean throwing in Breakfast Club (these two are related)

-Bobby allowing his team to not show up, makes them run more laps at both practices this week

-The TSL QB Power Rankings Committee for ranking Jordan too low

-B’s Brother not coming up with a brand new TSL’s “Hottest Ladies” list despite promising it

-Scared Hitless already trying to drop to D2 midseason (allegedly) 

-Tight Ends In Motion. That's it. That’s the tweet. 

-The Freeballers, unsurprisingly.

-Scotty Dro bailing on Degeneration Sexxy for them to get to 0-2

-The BAADies Quarterback

-Gender teams overall (0-4 so far, mostly Garrett’s fault)

-The lower half of D6

KIND OF NOT SURE YET:

 

-Losing Streak. Looks good, but have only played bums so far. 

-Mike Thomas as the #1 QB overall? 

-Practice Squad figuring it out for playoffs again?

-Let's Get Reccked a D3 contender? 

-Should Vaspian have jumped up to D3? 

-Literally everything about D5

-Is D6 just going to be Blitzkrieg vs Southside? 

-Will any of the “New Teams” emerge?

-Is Jeff Krol ruining the TSL already? 

As you can see, there are a lot of things still undetermined so early in this season, but we’re really starting to get a sense of where things are headed, which can only mean one thing: By June, all of this will be completely different, as it always is. 

 

Before we get into the games, I wanted to put this out there for people as well. As most of you know, Breakfast Club is our fun little draft league that plays at 9am every week. We have female captains that draft the teams and it's a TON of fun. These captains make lots of bets on the games every week to add to the fun. This week, when BDSM takes on The Ash Slinging Slashers, the losing captain is going to donate $50 to the Center for Handicapped Children (www.chclearningcenter.org) and already people on their teams and in the league are joining in the donation. If you’d like to be a part of the TSL donation here and chip in, you can find Ashley or Becca and tell them you want to be a part of it. If you have absolutely zero idea who those two ladies are, you can find Jeff Krol, Travis, Joe K, or really anyone you think might be “important” to the league and they’ll make sure whatever your donation is gets to the right place. This isn’t mandatory or expected, but the league asked me to let everyone know in case others wanted to help out as well. Shout out to Ashley and Becca for turning a fun BC bet into something good for others. 

Onto the games…

D1:

 

Last Week’s Games: 

 

Sticky Bandits 29, Legends 22

Frodo Swaggins 37, Eyes Downtown 29

Losing Streak 48, Scared Hitless 12

D1 was plenty interesting last weekend. Sticky Bandits assert their dominance over the Legends, and get a big win that will definitely play a role in playoff seeding. Eyes Downtown was a bit short handed apparently, which led to a quite surprising Frodo victory. Meanwhile, Losing Streak does Scared Hitless no favors, and quadruples their score on the way to an easy victory. 

This Week’s Games: 

 

Sticky Bandits vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+10) - Sticky is on a roll. They won indoor. They beat the Legends. They haven’t seemed to miss a beat despite losing two top females. Mike Thomas is ranked #1 overall in the QB rankings. What can’t they do? Well, I’ll tell you. They can’t lose to Grey Hair Don’t Care. GHDC had an awesome Week 1, and they’ll make this a game, but Sticky is too hot right now. STICKY BANDITS BY 8

 

Frodo Swaggins vs Tight Ends In Motion (EVEN) - A true TSL “Pick ‘em” game, as both teams are still finding themselves this season. TEIM looked discombobulated the last time we saw them on the field, and I don’t think a week off helped that. Frodo shook off a rough Week 1 to get a marquee win over Eyes Downtown (regardless of who ED had there), and they’re looking kinda nice. FRODO SWAGGINS BY 2

 

Eyes Downtown vs Losing Streak (+3) - I’m assuming that Eyes Downtown will have everyone in attendance this week, and they should be ready to play their best after last weekend’s “hiccup”. Okay Jordan, here it is. You want that respect? You want to move up the QB rankings? Win this one. It’ll go a long way for you. After that, all you have left to do is beat Sticky and Legends. Should be easy, right? No, it won’t be, but I’m still a believer anyway. LOSING STREAK BY 7

 

Legends vs Scared Hitless (+17) - The Legends should be good and mad about last week’s loss to Sticky, and they’re going to take it out on poor Scared Hitless. I’m not trying to be too hard on SH, because they’ve proven that the regular season doesn’t matter once you get to the playoffs. I was just really hoping to not have to see them struggle through another season before turning it up. This game against a bitter Legends won’t help them. LEGENDS BY 20 IF TRAVIS THROWS, BY 3 IF JOEY PLAYS

D2:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Untouchaballs 28, Practice Squad 23

No Punt Intended 38, Freeballers 20

Mavericks 40, Freeballers 25

Not much to write home about. Despite me thinking all D2 teams were going to compete, It’s looking more and more like a No Punt Intended - Untouchaballs - Mavericks kind of division. Practice Squad is close, and we’ve learned that they “figure things out”, so don’t be surprised if they’re there by season’s end. Freeballers are already 1-3, and it looks like another typical “Freeballers have talent but never put it together and they disappoint” type season from them. 

This Week’s Games:

 

Mavericks vs Practice Squad (+7) - Practice Squad is 0-2, but they’re keeping games close. That tends to mean a team is a play or two away from turning things around. The Mavericks have looked quite comfortable in D2 so far, and they’re keeping pace with NPI in the Points For department. It’s very reasonable they win this whole thing. Big Mike already has 4 touchdowns (Thanks Jordan!) and let’s give a shout out to Kira, who’s speed rushing had kept QB’s in check. MAVERICKS BY 3

 

Mavericks vs Freeballers (+7) - On the plus side, the Freeballers get a Mavericks team that’s coming off a game, so they’ll be fresher. I want to believe that the Freeballers will use my words as inspiration and show up here, but I’ve come to realize that they never do. MAVERICKS BY 16

D3:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Bullet Club 37, Vaspian 12

Jabronies 43, Can’t Touch This 28

Wanderers 39, Let’s Get Reccked 38

Itches and Ohs 38, Degeneration Sexxy 21

Bullet Club continues to roll in D3, easily dispatching of Vaspian in their debut. The Jabronies rebounded from a Week 1 loss to LGR with a nice win over Can't Touch This who continue to be OH SO CLOSE to breaking out I feel. I said before the season the Wanderers were must see TV, and it was supposed to be because they’re a flowing offense that knows each other. It wasn’t supposed to be because every single game they play is incredibly close and coming down to the wire. Big win yet again for the Tie Dye Terrors. Itches and Ohs show up and defeat DX, quieting the preseason rumors that they’d be lost without Laura. 

This Week’s Games:

 

Wanderers vs Vaspian (+10) - Lose by 4, Win by 3, Win by 1. That’s a hell of a start for the Wanderers who get to take on a Vaspian team that just had a pretty rough start. Vaspian is including new pieces on offense, and once they get more reps, they should be fine. But today is not that day. Fire up Dion on the jukebox. WANDERERS BY 14

 

Let's Get Reccked vs Can’t Touch This (+7) - LGR moved up to D3 because of Baker and Alex joining the team. Those two players alone have arguably 12,503 combined games played in their careers, and they’ve seen it all. It’s because of that experience that they know how to shift defenses to shut down and offense, and vice versa. They’re just simply hard to play against, and Can’t Touch This might just be too “new” (even after what? 5 seasons now?) to overcome that. LETS GET RECCKED BY 12

 

Bullet Club vs Itches and Ohs (+8) - After their win last week, perhaps it's time for us to stop talking about who Itches and Ohs don’t have, and remember who they DO have. Steve Moser is still one of the best football minds in the game. He takes his time and can slow down an opposing offense with his own offense. Bullet Club has been good, but a mistake or two could lead them to an upset. ITCHES AND OHS BY 2

 

Jabronies vs Degeneration Sexxy (+3) - Here are two teams that are still trying to figure things out overall, but last week everything clicked for the Jabronies while DS had a rough go of it. These two teams match up pretty well, but in the end I think the matchup advantage of the DS ladies will be the difference. DEGENERATION SEXXY BY 7

 

D4:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Travis Henry’s Kids 32, Passing While Intoxicated 26

Passing While Intoxicated 41, BAADies 36

Buffalo Vice 48, Cunning Stunts 26

Puckett All-Stars 62, BAADies 24

Cobblestone 36, Creekers 8

THK nearly blows a lead to PWI but holds on for the victory as they sit atop the standings in D4 despite playing John Langley at QB still. PWI responded to the loss with a big win of their own over the BAADies, who would proceed to get trounced by Puckett later on in the day. Don’t worry ladies, everyone knows it's your QB. Speaking of bad QBs, Joey Batts looked awful (according to eyewitness reports) in a Stunts loss to Buffalo Vice who are on a nice little roll to start the season. Finally, Darryl and friends gave a rude welcome to the league to the Creekers with a masterful quarterbacking game to give Cobblestone the win. 

This Week’s Games:

 

Buffalo Vice vs Passing While Intoxicated (EVEN) - This is going to be a pretty great game, and it's one to make sure you watch if you’re at the fields. PWI has looked right at home in D4, and they’re getting another test with Buffalo Vice. Vice has looked dominant at times this year, but they also only beat the gender teams who are not at their best just yet. A good test for both teams, but give me the defense of Vice to slow PWI down. BUFFALO VICE BY 8

 

BAADies vs Creekers (+10) - Despite all of the mocking of Garrett, at the end of the day he knows how to win games and his girls are superstars. Losing to Vice, PWI, and Puckett isn’t actually unheard of. The Creekers are brand spankin’ new to the league, and going up against a gender team full of stars isn’t a recipe for new team success. The Angels dust off the losses and pick up a big win here to get on the right track. BAADIES BY 22

 

Puckett All-Stars vs Travis Henry’s Kids (+3) - A potential D4 championship preview in Week 3? Nice. Puckett walked onto the fields last weekend shouting “ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF” before dropping 62 on the BAADies. They’re locked in and ready to run through D4 for this title. Not so fast. THK has figured some things out too, and with Pistol Pete on their side they can beat anyone. This should be a good game, but in the end, I foresee THK’s Achilles heel (their ladies) not being able to keep up and Puckett pulling away late. PUCKETT ALL STARS BY 9

 

Cunning Stunts vs Cobblestone (+7) - An absolute whopper of a QB matchup with Darryl Carr QB Superstar taking on Joey Batts. Darryl’s team looks better than it has in recent years, and at some point the talent he surrounds himself with is going to have to step up and make themselves known in the league. However, all jokes aside, Joey has been the best QB in the TSL under 5’3 of all time. He’s getting older now, so last week, I assume, he had to shake off his own rust. The Stunts are never happy when they lose, so look for them to really get it together this week. CUNNING STUNTS BY 18

D5:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Long Balls 35, Goatsack! 28

Tater Tots 32, Come From Behind 24

Not So Sticky 15, ILF 14

 

D5 gave us some close contests across the board in some really even matchups. The Long Balls just snuck by Goatsack, in a battle of two new (to us) TSL teams. The Tater Tots figured out whatever was wrong the week before and took it to Come From Behind, re-announcing to the division that they’re here to take the crown and last week was an aberration. Not So Sticky used former ILF player Carly (who was deemed not good enough for his team by Andrew Kicak) to score the game winning point over the Falcons. 

This Week’s Games:

 

GUCCI vs Goatsack! (EVEN) - I don’t know for sure, but I’m assuming this isn’t the first time these two teams have met, given their long histories elsewhere. If it’s the first time ever, someone let me know. Two co-ed football flagship franchises face off at the Rose Garden for the first time ever, and it’ll be great to watch. So if you’re at the fields at 11:00, pull up a chair and hang out. You’re witnessing history. I predict both teams put on a show. GUCCI BY 1

 

Tater Tots vs TMA (+3) - Two long time rivals clash yet again as the Tots and TMA battle it out on the field this week. Granted, this rivalry has lost some of its luster this time around (see: no Prim to make people mad) as the Tots have new players, and TMA has lost half of theirs this season. Either way, we’re going to see some good football and that’s what matters here. TATER TOTS BY 3

 

Not So Sticky vs Goatsack! (+3) - Not So Sticky might be 2-0, but they’re not doing it by wowing people on offense, as they’ve only scored 18 and 15 points in their victories. Throwing out the pouring rain game, Goatsack looks pretty efficient on offense so far, but their defense leaves a bit to be desired. If Goatsack can shore up that defense, they can take this game, but I have to see it first before I bet on them. NOT SO STICKY BY 2

 

Come From Behind vs Interdimensional Lightning Falcons (+10) - CFB is coming off a close loss last week against the Tots, but at the end of the day their offense (and defense!) is still top notch in D5, while ILF is lacking in the offense department. Unless ILF can force 2+ turnovers, CFB should walk away with this one. COME FROM BEHIND BY 13

 

GUCCI vs Long Balls (EVEN) - The Long Balls were impressive in their win last week over Goatsack, as they’re starting to “figure things out” in the TSL. Their reward is going up against another long time Social Co-Ed Football Franchise in GUCCI, and their All-World/All-Awesome QB Kelly Kane. GUCCI will provide the Long Balls with a different dynamic than they’ve seen so far and it’ll depend on how well they adjust in game if they’re going to win. My guess? They won’t. GUCCI BY 9

D6:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Sausage McMuffins 38, Back That Pass Up 34

Blitzkrieg 41, Pit Harade 8

Blitzkrieg 43, Mighty Drunks 19

Balls Deep 35, Pit Harade 23

Last week’s D6 action was telling, as Blitzkrieg made their season debut and proceeded to wipe the floor with some of the new teams in the TSL, averaging 42 points scored, as they have stability at QB with long time stud Alex back for the Spring. Sausage McMuffins moved to 2-0 with a solid victory over the Jeff May-led BTPU. Balls Deep went up against Pit Harade and after some early back and forth, they pulled away as Payton Spinelli grabbed the victory over his former QB in Nick Hawes. 

This Week’s Games:

 

Grass Eaters vs Sausage McMuffins (+3) - A battle of some early undefeated teams here, as the McMuffins take on what is essentially “Steve and Rylee”. That's a pretty good combo to have in D6 however, and I’ll give GE the nod based on that alone. GRASS EATERS BY 2

 

Blitzkrieg vs Southside (EVEN) - Well, we’re getting this juicy matchup early. Southside got to 2-0 by beating up teams in Week 1, and Blitzkrieg got to 2-0 by beating up teams in Week 2. Its an early season matchup that will probably decide the #1 seed later on. This game matters. If Southside wants to win, they’ll need to slow down Light Red Hoodie Guy who had a whopping 7 TDs last week WITHOUT THE HOODIE. He is NOT to be confused with “Light Red Hoodie Decoy Guy” who wore the magical hoodie for reasons I still am working on figuring out. More on this deception as it becomes available. BLITZKRIEG BY 3

 

Mighty Drunks vs Pit Harade (EVEN) - Both teams are 0-2. Both teams have similar points for (34 for MD, 31 for PH) and similar points against (81 for MD, 76 for PH). Both teams are pretty new with some veterans sprinkled on the rosters. Both teams have had a couple of bright spots. Both teams have looked completely brand new to sports at times. This is about as even a game as you’re going to get in D6. I’m contractually obligated to pick one, so give me the one with the QB who routinely throws up 40+ points in Nick Hawes. PIT HARADE BY 3 BUT THEY’LL PROBABLY TIE. 

 

Balls Deep vs Two Tuddies (EVEN) - The Tud Buds are back after a week off, and they’ll be getting a Balls Deep team that looked pretty good last week. The Tuddies held their own against Southside in Week 1, and if they keep playing how they have been since the second half of last season, they should be able to beat a team that is still gelling a little bit. TWO TUDDIES BY 7

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:

 

 

• With the weather finally not a factor (hopefully), who should look better than they have? Truthfully, Scared Hitless isn’t as bad as they’ve looked. Roster changes in D1 are harder to just “deal with” as fast, and when you add in terrible weather, you get exactly what you’ve been seeing. Don’t underestimate them. 

 

 

 

• Who’s going to make a statement this week? It’s gotta be Losing Streak and Jordan right? It feels like a movie: he goes to D1 a few seasons ago, it goes poorly, he goes on sabbatical and recollects himself, and makes his glorious return looking better than ever. I’m just not sure if this is the “triumph” or the “hiccup along the way”. Also, look out for the gender teams to really get things going this week. 

 

 

 

• Who’s been the biggest surprise so far this year? These hot starts typically end poorly for teams, but I think we’ll go with Buffalo Vice. They’ve just handled business very well for themselves and already got over the issues they sometimes have had with gender teams. I don’t think they’re going anywhere in D4. 

 

 

 

• So then, way too early but at least you’ve seen some games now championship predictions? Of course. Sticky Bandits, The Untouchaballs, Let's Get Reccked, Travis Henry’s Kids, Tater Tots, Blitzkrieg. All of these will be wrong. 

 

 

• Team with the bad start that should turn it around for sure? The BAADies are currently ranked 52nd out of 52 teams. They have a collection of some of the best girls in the league. They have the core of some amazing Matty’s Angels teams that used to routinely dunk on people. They’ve scored 31 points a game on average. Once they get their groove back on defense, look out. 

 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:

 

 

• You’re going to get sunburned. Prepare accordingly. 

 

 

 

• Breakfast Club predictions: 

• Steph Infection 38, The VaJennas 33

• Komosexuals 38, Liddle Dubs 30

• The Ash Slinging Slashers 38, BDSM 20

 

 

 

• Here are your Games of the Day: 

• 10:00 - Buffalo Vice vs Passing While Intoxicated

• 11:00 - Tater Tots vs TMA

• 12:00 - Blitzkrieg vs Southside

• 1:00 - Eyes Downtown vs Losing Streak

• 2:00 - Balls Deep vs Two Tuddies

• 3:00 - Puckett All-Stars vs Travis Henry’s Kids

 

 

 

• Fun heads up: ROSTERS ARE OFFICIALLY LOCKED. You can’t add new people, so don’t ask. 

 

 

 

• If you’re trying to get your 4 games in for reffing so you can play on two teams in the fall, don’t wait. Expecting to get 4 games the last week of the season is going to go terribly for you.

 

 

 

• Captains, get better at informing your players of league happenings. Topper/Krol have always just emailed you with the expectation that you’ll inform your players of things like “if you want to play on two teams, you can ref 4 games”, “we’ll be having a dunk tank this week”, “there’s a website that has weekly articles and a league podcast for you to check out”, etc. We’re finding more and more people aren’t getting informed of league happenings. We can’t email all 600 players, so it's up to you to help. 

 

 

 

• Shoutout to the Angry Buffalo bar staff for being incredibly accommodating (so I’ve heard) to the league so far this season. It’s great hearing that brand new teams are hanging out for a while. At the end of the day, that's what this is all about anyway. 

 

 

 

• I have yet to hear one real complaint about people being jerks or anything this season so far. Obviously this has to do with Topper not being around causing trouble. 

 

 

 

• Three teams that really need a win this week: Freeballers, Goatsack!, and BAADies. 

 

 

 

• Remember, if you want your team to get its due, you can email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Let me know who’s rocking out on your team. And apparently you’re supposed to send me QB Power Rankings stuff too now, which is new. 

 

The Race For Social Co-Ed Football Immortality has entered May! We’re in full swing, and I’m excited to see how this week shakes out. 

 

What’s YOUR Ranking? 

 

-GF OUT

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