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Hello Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, and welcome to Week 4. You read that right. The TSL is entering the midpoint of the season, and the action has been fast and furious. By all reports, last week was a truly fantastic Football Saturday as the weather was awesome, the bar was hopping, and the games were (mostly) pretty great. It was a mixture of everything that makes this league great: B’s Brother, nice weather, old friends hanging out, new friendships being made, lots of drinks at the bar being crushed, and of course some football being mixed in. Those are the days that I miss the most, as of course I now live in my log cabin in Des Moines, Iowa and am unable to make it to the fields often. From the sounds of things, however, it seems as though things are running smoothly and the league is in a good place. 

 

So good of course, that we have some pretty nice storylines setting up for us as we enter the meat of the season. What are they? Well, I’m glad you asked! 

 

-Losing Streak has defeated Eyes Downtown to get to 3-0, and life doesn’t get any easier for them as they take on the also 3-0 Sticky Bandits in a matchup that could actually be considered a D1 championship preview. 

-Meanwhile, Scared Hitless has scored 24 points on the season, and someone really needs to tell them that tanking doesn’t work in the TSL. There is no draft, and they won’t be able to get a new QB that way. I’m sorry, but the league will not be able to put you in D2 midseason, no matter how hard you try. 

 

-The top 4 teams in D2 (there are only 5 mind you) are currently all in the Top 13 overall in the Super Kool Topper Rankings System, sitting at 5, 9, 10, and 13. That means they’re all playing great football and beating up on each other. 

 

-The 5th D2 team is Practice Squad, and yes, they’re 0-3, but they’re OH SO CLOSE to winning these games. They don’t get blown out. Their point differential is only -14. Multiple outlets have reported that they’re only one or two plays away from winning every game. B, figure it out. This is on you.

 

-D3 is looking like it’s separating into the contenders (Bullet Club, Wanderers, Itches and Ohs, Jabronies, maybe Let’s Get Reccked) and the pretenders (maybe Let’s Get Reccked, Vaspian, Can’t Touch This, and The Kellers) pretty early. 

 

-Puckett is on a mission to destroy everyone in their way in D4, as they have 110 points in two games. I don’t think they’ll keep up the 55 points per game average the entire season, but with a game against the Creekers this week (and the Stunts too), maybe I’m wrong. 

 

-The BAADies might be saddled with Garrett Beesing being a huge problem, but their defense isn’t anything to write home about overall either. Most of these ladies played fantastic defense on the Angels just a few seasons ago, so it’s not like they don’t know how to do it, but perhaps the rust is still needing to be cleared all the way off. 

 

-TMA is sitting at 2-0 and running the show in D5 despite all of the losses they had this offseason. A big part of that is the play of the ageless wonder Dorene Major and Raena O’Neil who have both been excellent since joining the squad. 

 

-On the other side of D5, the Tater Tots and ILF aren’t exactly having the seasons anyone envisioned when things kicked off a few weeks ago. Injuries and inconsistencies overall have both teams sitting at 1-2 and things aren’t looking up. On the plus side, these two franchises have been around long enough that they know to keep their heads cool and there’s plenty of football left. I hear ILF should let Becca QB though, so they can have better results than the apparent “bum” they have throwing currently. 

 

-D6 is wild, and Southside is just pummeling the competition. They dropped a 52-6 win on Blitzkrieg last weekend to show that they’ll be in D5 next season whether they win or not. Southside is averaging nearly 42 points a game, and only allowing just under 13 points a game. When your average score is 42-13, it’s time to move on. (For reference, the next best offense averages 30 points per game, and that’s the team Southside just held to 6 points, Blitzkrieg. The next best defense allows 22 points, The Tuddies)

 

-The Sausage McMuffins are also 3-0 in D6 and are quietly one of the best TSL stories so far this season. I’ve heard nothing but good things about this team, and they apparently have cool jerseys (which I’ll need someone to send me a picture of them to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. please). We’ll see if they’re for real this week when they play Blitzkrieg, who should be looking to right the ship after last week’s disaster.

 

-The rest of the new teams in D6 need to figure things out a bit more as Pit Harade, Back That Pass Up, and the Mighty Drunks are a combined 1-7 on the season so far. And the one win was PH beating the Drunks last week. 

So there you have it, some really cool storylines developing, and there’s nothing better than looking back at this article in about a month and seeing just how much everything changed. That’s the one thing about the TSL: anything can happen, and it usually does here. A team could figure things out and go on a run, someone can look mighty awesome all season and blow it in the playoffs. Like you, I’m excited to see it all play out. We’re on to Week 4: 

D1:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Sticky Bandits 30, Grey Hair Don’t Care 27

Tight Ends In Motion 27, Frodo Swaggins 21

Losing Streak 39, Eyes Downtown 38

Legends 40, Scared Hitless 12

 

D1 was mostly fantastic across the board this week, as we saw three great games and then the usual “Who beat the crap out of Scared Hitless?” game that we’re going to seem to get each week. This week it was the Legends, as Melanie helped her new team put a few nails in her old team’s coffin. The rumors of the demise of Grey Hair (and Frodo) were unfounded even though both teams lost. Grey Hair losing by 3 to Sticky is nothing to be upset about, and the same goes for Frodo losing by 6 to Tight Ends. And then Losing Streak stays atop the mountain of D1 with a thrilling one point win over Eyes Downtown. 

This Week’s Games:

 

Losing Streak vs Sticky Bandits (EVEN) - The Game of the Day is at 10:00am on Field 1 as the two undefeated teams in D1 will do battle to see who will be in the driver’s seat for the Week 1 bye in the playoffs (that just means they’d play Scared Hitless). This one can go either way, and I hope both teams aren’t missing anyone this week. LOSING STREAK BY 1

 

Legends vs Tight Ends In Motion (+3) - This should be an old fashioned slobberknocker itself. We still don’t know if TEIM can score enough to keep up with the Legends (TEIM has only played 2 games), but if anyone can slow the Legends down, it's the TEIM defense. TEIM is really flying under the radar this season, they’re basically a championship afterthought. LEGENDS BY 8

 

Tight Ends In Motion vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+7) - TEIM will be coming off a highly competitive game (hopefully) against Legends, only to be thrown right into a second game with a very spry Grey Hair team. Grey Hair has shown they can hang with the big boys (and girls) in D1, but they’ve got a LITTLE more work to do before they can be considered true contenders. TIGHT ENDS IN MOTION BY 3

 

Legends vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+10) - Things don’t get any easier for Grey Hair on this day. LEGENDS BY 14

D2:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Mavericks 41, Practice Squad 37

Freeballers 50, Mavericks 41

Well, the Mavericks certainly enjoyed scoring 41 points last week. It proved to be enough to sneak by Practice Squad, but then it wasn’t enough to beat the Freeballers. That pretty much sums up D2 at this point. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

No Punt Intended vs Practice Squad (+7) - NPI hasn’t lost a game yet, and Practice Squad hasn’t won a game yet. Logically, this would mean it should be an easy call to take NPI here. However, Travis is long overdue for a bad game, and Practice Squad is hungry. They’ve been so close to winning, and I think it's time. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 8

 

Untouchaballs vs Mavericks (EVEN) - Yes, the Mavericks can score (37 points per game so far), but they can’t stop anyone either (35 points allowed per game). Their very weak defense will more than likely be their demise, and if there’s any team that can exploit that Mavericks’ D while also slowing them down on offense, it's the Untouchaballs. Jeremy Burr is going to continue slinging the rock all over the place here. UNTOUCHABALLS BY 12

D3:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Wanderers 20, Vaspian 18

Can’t Touch This 19, Let’s Get Reccked 12

Itches and Ohs 22, Bullet Club 21

Jabronies 41, Degeneration Sexxy 28

The Wanderers continue to win, and they continue to keep games close, taking a 2 point victory over Vaspian. Can’t Touch This finally gets in the win column, beating LGR. Steve Moser and company engineers a comeback victory to hand Bullet Club their first loss of the season. And the Jabronies ended up being the only D3 team to score over 30 points last week, taking out D-Sex.

This Week’s Games:

 

Can’t Touch This vs Degeneration Sexxy (+6) - It’s hard to pinpoint what’s wrong with D-Sex right now, because they should be better than 0-3 with that roster. It seems there’s issues on both sides of the ball for them. CTT is improving each week, and if they truly think they’re a D3 contender, they have to win this game convincingly. They won’t. DEGENERATION SEXXY BY 4

 

Can’t Touch This vs Vaspian (+3) - …but they will here. I’m not quite sure what Vaspian is just yet, but I think they’re more the team that lost 20-18 than the team that got blown out the week before. Vaspian has always been a great defensive team that struggles to score. CTT won’t struggle to score. CAN'T TOUCH THIS BY 4

 

Bullet Club vs Let’s Get Reccked (+7) - Speaking of teams I have no idea about, Let’s Get Reccked is on that list. Sometimes they look just awesome, other times they look lost. What I do know is that over the last 10 years, the Easton-led Bullet Club teams have always had great battles against the Buchlis/Baker teams in the past so this should be a doozy. Look out for BC’s new girl Kelsey by the way, she can play. BULLET CLUB BY 1 WHEN LGR GOES FOR TWO AT THE END TO WIN

 

Wanderers vs Itches and Ohs (EVEN) - Two D3 contenders square off as these ball control offenses do battle. Both teams march down the field and score, which means we’re looking at a low scoring game here. I’m not entirely sure who’s going to take this one, but I do think it’ll be by 2 points. I flipped a coin. ITCHES AND OHS BY 2

 

Jabronies vs Vaspian (+7) - Jabronies have been much better since a Week 1 loss to LGR in the wind and rain. They’ve averaged a 42-28 win in their games since, albeit against the bottom teams in the division. The Jabronies are essentially climbing the D3 ladder, they get Vaspian this week before getting to play Wanderers, Itches and Ohs (twice), and Bullet Club for a rough end to the season. They’ll need this win. JABRONIES BY 12

D4: 

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Passing While Intoxicated 43, Buffalo Vice 25

BAADies 28, Creekers 21

Puckett All-Stars 48, Travis Henry’s Kids 18

Cunning Stunts 35, Cobblestone 26

PWI might just be good at this football thing. The reigning D5 champs moved to 2-1 on the season with an impressive win over a good Buffalo Vice team. Take away a Week 1 loss to THK, and we’re looking at a 3-0 PWI team. The BAADies did it! They won! And apparently Garrett did his best to blow that game at the end too. The Stunts also snuck by Cobblestone to give us a double gender team victory weekend. Finally, Puckett dominated THK so badly that we had reports of the “Langley blames an injury that isn’t there for his bad performance” move. Yikes. 

This Week’s Games:

 

Buffalo Vice vs Cobblestone (+3) - Buffalo Vice looks to get back on the winning track this week against Cobblestone. There’s nothing wrong with Vice losing to a very good PWI team, they’re still on track for a great season. I haven’t heard from Dan yet to give me the skinny on anything (Dan: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. now, thanks) Vice related yet. Cobblestone actually looks good. Darryl has a team of athletes, and when he has that, he can beat anyone. The man with the perfect hair is getting in sync with everyone on his squad and once they click, look out. But not this week. BUFFALO VICE BY 14

 

Travis Henry’s Kids vs Creekers (+17) - If there’s one thing THK has done over the years, it’s bounce back big after a loss. The fact that they’re getting the brand new Creekers team is only going to make that worse. This one has “Blowout of the Day” written all over it. THK has their weaknesses, namely one of the weakest female groups in the TSL, but none of that should matter here. TRAVIS HENRY’S KIDS BY 20

 

Puckett All-Stars vs Creekers (+17) - Wait, I lied. THIS has “Blowout of the Day” written all over it. I hope for the Creekers’ sake it isn't true, but they only scored 8 against Cobblestone and then only got 21 against the BAADies’ porous defense. Now they get back to back games against teams that can score at will when they want? That 99-0 forfeit score isn’t looking too bad here. Puckett is just on fire. That’s it. That’s the tweet. PUCKETT ALL-STARS BY 30

 

Puckett All-Stars vs Cunning Stunts (+8) - Last year, the Stunts beat PAS in Week 1, and PAS never forgot about that game. They still think about it. I get the sense they’ve been waiting for this one. They’re going to look to crush the ladies here. But they won’t. The Stunts are still a smart team and with Joey Batts at the helm, they’ll consistently play smart football. As long as Joey is on, it’ll be a close game. But even still, PUCKETT ALL-STARS BY 6

D5:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

GUCCI 33, Goatsack! 27

TMA 51, Tater Tots 12

Goatsack! 24, Not So Sticky 22

Come From Behind 34, ILF 12

GUCCI 35, Long Balls 15

I was instantly told by Jeff Krol after last week’s article was released that he got a text stating that the GUCCI-Goatsack game was indeed the first meeting ever between these two long standing franchises, which I find impressive since it feels like they were playing well before I moved to Iowa. The first time they crossed paths was a good one, with GUCCI taking a 6 point win to keep Goatsack out of the win column this season. Until an hour later anyway, when they beat Not So Sticky to get that W. TMA wiped the floor with the Tater Tots, which was sort of unexpected. Come From Behind wiped the floor with ILF, which was sort of expected. And then GUCCI made it 2-0 on the day with a nice 20 point win over the Long Balls.

This Week’s Games:

 

Come From Behind vs Not So Sticky (+6) - These two teams played some fun matches a couple of seasons ago, and now they’re back to reignite the rivalry. NSS has been good, but not great in their D5 return, and CFB has been great, not good this season so far. The NSS offense will have no chance to keep up with the CFB offense, even though both teams play great defense. Give this one to the veterans. COME FROM BEHIND BY 8

 

Tater Tots vs Long Balls (+7) - The Tots seemed to have had a bad week last time out, but I’m sure they’ll put that behind them quickly. The Long Balls have had mixed results so far this season, looking bad against NSS, good against Goatsack!, and then bad again against GUCCI. Logically that means they’ll look good this week, right? No. TATER TOTS BY 10

 

TMA vs Interdimensional Lightning Falcons (+7) - TMA is just doing TMA things this season, which means scoring points and playing great defense. They get an ILF squad that, all jokes aside, got blindsided by their QB leaving them, and now they’re working hard to figure it out. An offense that is learning how to be an offense vs a defense that’s been a top defense for a long time isn’t a good matchup. TMA BY 13

D6:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Sausage McMuffins 37, Grass Eaters 31

Southside 52, Blitzkrieg 6

Pit Harade 54, Mighty Drunks 30

Two Tuddies 41, Balls Deep 14

The Sausage McMuffins continue to be a fun story in the TSL, as they moved to 3-0 with a win over the Grass Eaters. Southside rocked Blitzkrieg in a 46 point thrashing that may have Alex considering coaching in the spring too. Doesn’t seem like the real Light Red Hoodie Guy backed up his gloating email to me very well either. You hate to see it. Pit Harade looked pretty competent against the Mighty Drunks, getting their first victory. And we wrap it up with the Tud Buds just smacking around Balls Deep in an easy win. 

This Week’s Games:

 

Sausage McMuffins vs Blitzkrieg (EVEN) - I don’t know what happened to Blitzkrieg. Someone mentioned they might have new jerseys that are cursed. Either way, they’re going up against a completely not cursed Sausage McMuffins team that gets their first big test of the season. If the McMuffins handle business here, that matchup against Southside will be one to watch. SAUSAGE MCMUFFINS BY 8

 

Two Tuddies vs Back That Pass Up (+7) - How great is the Tuddies story? They joined the league a couple of seasons ago, and things didn’t go well at all. They almost folded. Then they got a new QB, new females, and things just started to click. Now they’re an outside title favorite! The Tud Buds are yet another TSL success story. They take on Back That Pass Up, which looks like someone just googled “kind of funny football team names”, but they trot out Jeff May at QB so they have some stability to start. BTPU is learning how to play offense together, and they remind me a lot of how the Tuddies started out. TSL life is cyclical like that. TWO TUDDIES BY 7

 

Pit Harade vs Back That Pass Up (EVEN) - BTPU gets a double header, but this time it's against Pit Harade, another new team that got their first win last week. PH is following the blueprint for how to start a team: get a bunch of nondescript guys who are okay-fine, get one good guy (Tall Bearded Guy), get a veteran QB (Nick Hawes), and then get girls who are all better than most of the guys. Rayanna, Ashley, and Jen have combined for a lot of touchdowns (Rayanna throwing three touchdowns was my most emailed information to me last weekend) and they're playing excellent defense. PH will go as far as these ladies take them. PIT HARADE BY 6

 

Grass Eaters vs Pit Harade (+7) - Despite the new team praise, PH then finds themselves against a Grass Eaters team that might just be too smart for D6. I know that this team is pretty much “Steve and Rylee Moser doing Steve and Rylee things” but that’s all they need in D6. If they get anything out of the rest of their roster, it's a bonus. GRASS EATERS BY 10

 

Balls Deep vs Mighty Drunks (+10) - The Drunks are still figuring things out but they’re led by “Kinda Tall, Good Hands” Kid, who is reported to continually make plays. Balls Deep is a little all over the place so far this season, Looking good in their win over Pit Harade, but not good at all in their loss to the Tuddies. They also hung with the McMuffins in Week 1. I don’t know what to really make of them, but the Drunks shouldn’t give them an issue. BALLS DEEP BY 17

 

Southside vs Balls Deep (+20) - …..but Southside sure will. Southside is too good for this division. I’m aware that historically, whenever we say that about a team after Week 3, they don’t win the title, but this team FEELS different. That bloodbath over Blitzkrieg felt like a declaration of sorts, that D6 runs through Southside and whoever steps foot against them will be punished accordingly. Balls Deep, it's your turn. SOUTHSIDE BY 22

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:

 

 

• Can you be at the fields by 10? I’m serious, the game of the day will be Losing Streak vs Sticky Bandits, and you’ll want to watch this one. Who will be 4-0? Can Jordan continue to climb the power rankings? Lots of intrigue here. 

 

 

 

• Why haven’t we been using the original Field 2? Well, there was apparently a huge rock that was sticking out, which can only be one thing: dangerous. To avoid anyone getting hurt, we weren’t using that field. But TRAVIS gets a gold star, as I was told he single handedly dug that rock out of the ground, and filled in the hole himself. Great work TCB!

 

 

 

• What’s Next? Horses? Okay, shout out to the pet pig that was at the fields last weekend. And I know people have been bringing their dogs to the fields too. First off, more pictures. Secondly, remember to watch your pets. Last time we had a bunch of pets at the fields, there was an incident, and pets were banned for a bit. They’re back, so let’s make sure our furry friends can keep coming. 

 

 

 

• Is Topper going to finally make an appearance at the fields? The rumors are rampant that the one and only Patrick McGovern, the true Godfather of the TSL, will be back at the “THE HOUSE THAT TOPPER AND LENNY BUILT” this weekend. It isn’t finalized yet, but if he’s there, you better give him a drink. 

 

 

 

• WHEN IS B’S BROTHER’S HOTTEST TSL FEMALES LIST GOING TO DROP? The most important rankings that the TSL has to offer, B’s Brother’s Top 10 list, is allegedly in the works. This man is an artist, and we can’t rush him, but Jeffrey, the entire league can’t wait to see what you have cooked up. 

 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:

 

 

• Good work to everyone refereeing this season. I haven’t been informed of one ref controversy yet, which means you’re doing great. 

 

 

 

• Speaking of good reffing, I heard Coach Jay has been around the fields again, which is probably why everything is running so smoothly. Shout out to Coach Jay, who was huge in helping the league continue on after we lost Lenny and Rameer. 

 

 

 

• Speaking of Rameer, man I miss talking to that guy. There was nothing better, more informative, or more long-winded than a Rameer e-mail about the day’s events for my next article. He was a huge reason I’ve been writing this thing from afar for so long. If you’re feeling nostalgic, go click on “The Rant” and read some of his old articles. Fuck Cancer. 

 

 

 

• Social media is important to the league to get the word out about us, and to get our current league members more up to date on the happenings around the league. So please, take a few seconds to follow us on Facebook (www.facebook.com/TopperSports) and Instagram (@toppers_sports_league). Tell your friends! 

 

 

 

• Breakfast Club Predictions:

• Komosexuals 38, The VaJennas 22

• The ASS 40, Liddle Dubs 36

• Steph Infection 47, BDSM 44

 

 

 

• Games of the Day: 

• 10:00 - Losing Streak vs Sticky Bandits

• 11:00 - Mavericks vs Untouchaballs

• 12:00 - Back That Pass Up vs Pit Harade

• 1:00 - Tight Ends In Motion vs Grey Hair Don’t Care

• 2:00 - Bullet Club vs Let’s Get Reccked

• 3:00 - Itches and Ohs vs Wanderers

 

 

 

• The current forecast for Buffalo tomorrow is looking like 75 degrees and sunny. Perfect football weather. Use your sunscreen, but also make sure you stay hydrated. That’s very important. It’s supposed to be thunderstorming with tornado warnings here in Des Moines, so I’m very jealous of you guys this week. 

 

 

 

• Just a reminder for the new teams out there: Don’t bring your own alcohol to the fields. I didn’t hear any reports of this happening, but it's just a reminder.  If you get caught, league officials will be forced to dump it out in front of you and ban you for a week. 

 

 

 

• It appears the TSL podcast will always need some guests, so if you want to be on the show, let Joe K and Jeff Krol know asap! 

 

 

 

• If there’s one thing you can do every week, it's to go up to a new team or some new players and make friends with them. Have a drink with them, and get them really into the spirit of the TSL. This league thrives on getting new people and characters into the bar/league and the more that people show their personalities, the better we all are. Go make friends, it’s what Lenny used to do every single week. 

 

Week 4 is here, and it’s shaping up to be one of the best weeks of the season weather wise, and game wise. If there were ever a week to bring new people who might want to start playing next season to the fields, this is the time. Have fun this time around.

 

If you need me, I’ll be in the cut. 

 

-GF OUT

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