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- Written by Patrick McGovern
- Category: The Godfather's Picks
- Published: 29 April 2022
- Created: 29 April 2022
- Hits: 2525
Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, on April 30th in the Year of Our Lord 2022, you will descend upon the Rose Garden once again, but this time things will be different.
You see, Week 3 of the season is when things really start moving. The “fresh season smell” has nearly dissipated (someone explain that word to the Freeballers, I can’t guarantee they know how Google works), the rust has been properly shaken off, and now the real season begins.
There’s no more clowning around, that’s for sure. The first two weeks of the season don’t always show the story of how the season will go. Too often I’ve seen 0-2 or even 0-3 teams go on to win their divisions. How you play in the middle of April does not guarantee that’s how you’ll play at the end of June.
So, what teams look to be overperforming and you shouldn’t trust (or bet on with TSL’s new spreads on FanDuel and DraftKings, coming soon!)? What teams look like dog crap on a hot summer’s day right now, but they’ll be there to contend on Championship Saturday? Luckily for you, dear loyal reader, I’ve done the work.
THE OVERPERFORMERS:
I won’t get into everyone here, but let’s just say that there’s a few standouts you shouldn’t get too excited about.
STICKY BANDITS - The TSL’s “D2 team masked as a D1 team but you kind of forgot about that because Losing Streak distracted you” for a few seasons now, they’re off to the best start in their history, 1-1. They’ve apparently scored on every possession so far this season. Somehow, Mike Thomas has gone from “Fringe Top 10” QB to #1 in the rankings. Remember last year when Sam Darnold did really well for two weeks in Carolina before turning back into a pumpkin? This has similar vibes. Playing a “not all there” Tight Ends and a “Whatever the hell Eyes Downtown are now” Eyes Downtown isn’t that impressive, and this week’s matchup against the Legends should end all this nonsense.
4th AND SOMETHING - Don’t get me wrong, I love the Team Keller story like I do every year, but it’s early in the season which means a few things: 1st off, Scotty Dro hasn’t blown off a game or two to travel or play on a boat somewhere. 2nd, if you look at the schedule, they’ve only played two overmatched teams in Show Me Dem TDs and the current “What is wrong with them?” Buffalo Vice squad. Weak schedule so far with no roster shenanigans can only mean this team will be “shockingly” 3-5 in a few weeks trying to “regain their form from early in the season”.
SCARED HITLESS - Scared Hitless is 2-0 and while that shouldn’t be too surprising, it’s how they did it that’s masking how good they are this time around. I had enough emails to know that they’ve decided to wear the same jersey colors as their opponents now, in an effort to confuse everyone. Once the rest of D2 catches on that they aren’t “that white team” anymore, they’ll be back to losing a few more games.
THE “DON’T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME” TEAMS:
EYES DOWNTOWN - Okay Bobby, get your life together. Your life is football, and it’s always been football. You want to know why Eyes Downtown isn’t 2-0? It’s because word from my spies out there tell me that Bobby is too worried about Silent Discos and hanging out with his friends instead of holding two-a-days twice a week to be the well-oiled killing machine we all know and love. Okay, not love. But respected. This is your time, stop letting it slip away.
XMD - First off, just go rename yourselves and be DMX again. There’s something called “Brand Loyalty” here in this league. But while XMD is 0-2, they haven’t played in years, and they’re just starting to remember what they can do on those fields. An opening loss to Puckett and running into the buzzsaw that is Spinelli’s makes them look like outsiders to a STACKED top of D4, but I assure you, they’ll be in the mix sooner than later.
BUFFALO VICE - I’m not saying it’s not because I haven’t gotten my emails from Dan yet, but it’s the only thing I can think of that they’re doing differently that could curse them. I’m willing to bet they’ve had some attendance issues (A Buffalo Vice staple at times) and I just know they’re not “Last in D3” bad. They have talent across the board, and I think you’re going to see them steadily climb up the standings from here on out.
BONUS ROUND: THE “THIS WONT LOOK LIKE A SURPRISE IN FIVE WEEKS” CREW:
TMA - I’ve only written they should’ve been in D5 for approximately 3 seasons now, if not more. This isn’t your old TMA. Seriously, they aren’t, as they’ve gotten some different players due to injuries and life and whatnot. The guys are playing so well that they don’t have to rely on Brent to do everything, QB Ryan has made everyone forget about Johnny Dio, and those girls got even better with the addition of Kassiani to the mix. It’s hard to see a D5 team that can consistently hang with them. Look out D5, and look out D4 in the fall.
SPINELLI’S PLUMBING - Kind of hard not to put the league’s most exciting team for the last few seasons here. They moved up another division after knocking out D5 and D6 titles. And what did D4 bring them? 50+ points each game, great defense, and on top of the division. This has become the standard for a franchise that was “laughable” a few years ago. Good luck to anyone that has to deal with them.
TOX - You want them to be good. We all do. They’re a collection of some of the best people on and off the field on Saturdays. But D4 is looking to be a bit too much for them as they break in a new QB and figure out a lot of stuff. I’m not sure moving up a division was the right call, but one thing is for sure: They’re not going down without a fight.
WHEN DOVE CRIES - Yeah, they’re only 0-1. And yeah, they only lost to Passed Our Prime by 1 score. But that was with the apparent magical arm of Mike Thomas, and not with the “I had surgery just before the season so I can’t play” Topper. That means it’s going to get worse. Revamping their entire female crew in a highly competitive division on the fly is going to take some getting used to. Sure, they have some talent in Talia, Cheryl, and “new girl”, but also, Cheryl comes from a system of timing and accuracy and well, like I said, Topper is eventually the QB. Bottom line, when you name your team after Tim Dove, but then actually have to ask him back on the team later on, it isn’t a good sign.
Remember that I always have uncanny accuracy here, so there will be no need to go back and look at any of this later on to make sure.
And with that, we’re on to week 3:
D1:
Last Week’s Games:
Sticky Bandits 54, Eyes Downtown 46
Legends 30, Tight Ends In Motion 20
The Legends continue to roll, as the best team money can buy easily dispatches of the shell of what used to be Tight Ends In Motion. Meanwhile, Sticky Nation celebrates a huge win on what I’m being told was their 10-year anniversary.
THIS WEEK’S GAMES:
Legends vs Sticky Bandits (+10) - The feel-good story for Sticky’s offense comes to an end here, as I’ll personally guarantee they don’t score on every possession here. But I have this feeling that they’ll make it a bit closer than you think. LEGENDS BY 3
Eyes Downtown vs Tight Ends In Motion (EVEN) - I’m not sure which team will coming out of this, but both could use a win. This is going to become a question of who wants it more, and I firmly believe Bobby does. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 6
D2:
LAST WEEK’S GAMES:
Scared Hitless 31, DILFS 20
Passed Our Prime 32, When Dove Cries 25
Passed Our Prime 49, Bullet Club 36
The Notorious BNB 38, Grey Hair Don’t Care 31
Scared Hitless moves to 2-0 with a strong effort yet again, Passed Our Prime goes 2-0 on the day with a couple of big wins and an offense that can’t be stopped, and The Notorious BNB is quietly leading the division with a very good effort against Grey Hair.
THIS WEEK’S GAMES:
Bullet Club vs When Dove Cries (+5) - Topper vs Joe K battles aren’t nearly as fun when I heard neither would be a part of this game, which means I have to talk about something else. Bullet Club gets QB Dylan Jaloza back, after putting up 36 with Tommy Emerson Hughes throwing for them last week. I’m not sure who will be throwing for WDC this week (or any week until Topper comes back) but either way it’s an improvement. BULLET CLUB BY 3
The Notorious BNB vs Scared Hitless (EVEN) - Someone should wear white here. But jokes aside, we have an early matchup for control of D2 that should be a very good game. Both teams are evenly matched and feature and array of superstars on both sides of the ball. With D2 giving the #1 seed a bye this year, this game could be huge for tiebreakers. SCARED HITLESS BY 2
D3:
LAST WEEK’S GAMES:
Frodo Swaggins 44, Sleezin Szn 43
4th And Something 37, Buffalo Vice 34
The Untouchaballs 40, Itches and Ohs 32
Three games for D3 last week, and every single one of them looked awesome. Frodo pulls out a 1-point win over a very spry Sleezin team. 4th and Something continue to look good as they get a 3-point victory over Buffalo Vice, and in the big game, Jeremy Burr pulls out a big ol’ win over Itches and Ohs and the Mosers.
THIS WEEK’S GAMES:
Frodo Swaggins vs The Untouchaballs (EVEN) - Arguably the top two teams in the division right now go head-to-head in what is sure to be another classic. D3 is apparently going to just keep having some “bangers” as the kids say. THE UNTOUCHABALLS BY 2
Buffalo Vice vs Freeballers (+7) - If Vice is ever going to turn things around, this is the place to start. Freeballers’ defense will certainly give them a game, and if they slow Vice down enough, they’ll be able to pull an upset. Vice’s season isn’t on the line, but it feels like it. BUFFALO VICE BY 6
Frodo Swaggins vs Itches and Ohs (EVEN) - Frodo gets an awful doubleheader this week, playing arguably their biggest competition for the D3 title that’s eluded them. I don’t know how the schedule makers could do this to a team, seems almost unfair. Look for Itches and Ohs to take advantage of Frodo’s second game. ITCHES AND OHS BY 8
The Untouchaballs vs Sleezin Szn (+3) - Oh, wait. The Untouchaballs ALSO have a pretty terrible doubleheader. After what will surely be a big game against Frodo, Untouchaballs have to go up against a Sleezin Szn team that just gave them some trouble. I’ve heard rumors they may be looking for a QB though. THE UNTOUCHABALLS BY 8
Itches and Ohs vs 4th And Something (+6) - Another doubleheader for a top team. What a wacky week this is turning out to be in D3. Anyway, 4th and Something get to play Itches and Ohs on the back end of their double header, which is a great recipe for chaos. 4TH AND SOMETHING BY 4
D4:
LAST WEEK’S GAMES:
Cunning Stunts 52, Can’t Touch This 14
Spinelli’s Plumbing 52, XMD 36
Practice Squad 32, ILF 29
Varsity Has Beens 31, Today’s Feast 25
Zack Attack 32, TOX 8
Vaspian 15, Puckett All-Stars 13
The ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots’ are really starting to show themselves in D4. The Stunts, with actual #1 ranked QB Joey Batts at the helm, are as dialed in as ever, looking like the haven’t lost a step. Meanwhile, Spinelli’s Plumbing just keeps flushing the competition, putting up 52 points of their own. Practice Squad sneaks by a very spry ILF on the final play of the game, and Varsity Has Beens snagged their first victory ever (I think) over Today’s Feast. Meanwhile, Zack Attack’s disgusting defense suffocated TOX and Vaspian beats Puckett in a tough battle at 15-13.
THIS WEEK’S GAMES:
Practice Squad vs Can’t Touch This (+13) - Can’t Touch This is still finding their way this season, as their offense is still learning the ropes and just can’t seem to muster up more than two touchdowns a game. That’s not going to cut it against Practice Squad, who continue to be on a bit of a warpath as they want to be considered a top title contender. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 17
Cunning Stunts vs Puckett All-Stars (+10) - I assume the spread is less about Puckett’s recent play (which has been good) and more about the 52 the Stunts offense just dropped. Puckett has been around enough to know that gender TDs matter, and they have sneaky good girls that might not get a ton of press, but the can get the job done. CUNNING STUNTS BY 12
Zack Attack vs ILF (+8) - ILF’s offense has been “just okay” and unfortunately for them, that won’t cut it against the ZA defense. They’ll also be playing a backup QB this week (Thanks for the tip, Andrew!) which could cause them to be off their game. But don’t worry Zack Attack, I DID notice you scored higher than 30 last week. If this team is firing on all cylinders? Look out. ZACK ATTACK BY 8
Vaspian vs Varsity Has Beens (+6) - Vaspian’s defense has been lights out, only allowing 26 points in their two games. The problem is that the offense is about as bad as it can get, only scoring 34 points this season, which is better known as “a good half” for Spinelli’s. They’re going to have to get the offense going to really be considered a contender. Meanwhile, the VHBs are riding high after their win and are perhaps putting something together. Seems like a nice mix for the upset special of the week! VARSITY HAS BEENS BY 4
XMD vs Today’s Feast (+10) - Today’s Feast and XMD have the same defensive issues so far (they’ve allowed 87 and 86 points respectively) But XMD’s offense has been a little better against arguably tougher opponents. It should be a close game early, but XMD pulls away late. XMD BY 13
D5:
LAST WEEK’S GAMES:
Cobblestone 26, Two Tuddies 12
TMA 28, Tater Tots 8
TMA 37, Come From Behind 30
Come From Behind 40, Red Zone Mafia 30
Passing While Intoxicated 25, Not So Sticky 24
Darryl. Carr. QB. Superstar. Darryl beats up on Two Tuddies (who yet again scored exactly that) to welcome them to the TSL properly. How is Darryl not in the Top 10 of QBs? Such disrespect. The real story in D5 is of course TMA, who took two top opponents and walked away with two wins to go to 3-0. Come From Behind, however, would rebound from that TMA loss to take a nice win against the Red Zone Mafia later in the day.
THIS WEEK’S GAMES:
Tater Tots vs Passing While Intoxicated (EVEN) - Both teams are 1-1, and they both have similar stats thus far. Both teams are looking to get settled in and get to winning some football games and to avoid losing what could be some key tiebreakers by season’s end. This has game of the day written all over it. PASSING WHILE INTOXICATED BY 2
TMA vs Cobblestone (+6) - D5’s only two undefeated teams go head-to-head this week, and I’m not entirely sure what’s going to happen. Darryl is as good as he ever was, but the TMA defense has translated pretty nicely to D5 so far. This game will be a ‘closer than you think’ matchup, but when the smoke clears? TMA BY 3
Come From Behind vs Cobblestone (EVEN) - The scheduling gods worked in our favor for once, giving us Darryl vs Paul this week. Hopefully, there won’t be any flight delays to keep us from this battle of QBs with the best hair in the league. CFB gets their revenge here. COME FROM BEHIND BY 7
TMA vs Not So Sticky (+9) - The fun-loving bunch from Not So Sticky get to go up against the dialed in “super serious” TMA. I’m never sure if NSS’ shenanigans get in the way of them playing the games, but I have a feeling they’ll take this one a little more seriously. It won’t matter. TMA BY 10.
Not So Sticky vs 716 (+3) - 716 catches NSS on the back half of a double header as they’re looking for their first win this season. “Pew and Crew” are criminally underrated in these parts, and they’ll be doing what they can to make others (and Godfathers) remember their name. 716 BY 12
Red Zone Mafia vs Two Tuddies (+6) - RZM looks the part of badasses, yet it hasn’t quite translated to the fields yet, but they’re getting there. To me, they seem like a team that’s going to get a little bit better each week and then you’ll have to watch out for them in the playoffs. As for my Tud Buds, I’ve heard nothing but great things about these people from my informants. They have the right attitude, and hopefully it translates to some wins soon. Not this week though. RED ZONE MAFIA BY 12
D6:
Last Week’s Games:
Travis Henry’s Kids 52, Blitzkrieg 23
Southside 21, Lettuce Win 20
Lenny’s Ladies 9, Woodpeckers 8
Oh, there you are THK. I think someone told you guys the season started a week later than it did. THK beat up on Blitzkrieg, who apparently has a little work to do before this is “the year”. Southside finds themselves on top of the Division after upending Lettuce Win in a very close battle. And then Lenny’s Ladies beat the Woodpeckers in a game that had absolutely zero interesting things happen in it.
THIS WEEK’S GAMES:
Travis Henry’s Kids vs Lettuce Win (+8) - A win for Lettuce would really stake their claim as a D6 contender. They had a shot to do it last week but blew it against Southside. Now THK is here, and if they’re on, well, they’re a different animal. I’d like to think my inspirational chatter about them last week encouraged them to put up 52. Let’s see if you can do it again John. TRAVIS HENRY’S KIDS BY 15
Blitzkrieg vs Lenny’s Ladies (+12) - These two teams have had some battles in the past, but BK has had the Ladies’ number the last couple of games. Add into the fact that they need to find their game after last week’s thrashing, and it doesn’t look good for Lenny’s. BLITZKRIEG BY 18
Southside vs Blitzkrieg (+7) - Southside staked their claim to the D6 throne last week. They also smacked THK around Week 1 while Blitzkrieg, well, didn’t, in Week 2. It might be recency bias, but Southside just feels like they’re legit. SOUTHSIDE BY 4
FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:
1. Will B’s Brother make it 3 for 3? The TSL has been thriving every week just because Jeffy has been there. He hasn’t made it to three weeks in a row since 2018. Can we have this magic yet again?
2. Which division is the most competitive? It’s easy to say D2, and D6 is going to be a war between all of the teams. But the answer still lies in D4. I know they have 12 teams, but I think they have arguably 5-7 legit title contenders and it’s going to be incredible to watch them play it out.
3. What is wrong with the QB rankings committee? I have a feeling that after years of Chris Cole making it easy on them, they forgot how to actually do their jobs. These rankings are all over the place. Perhaps we get rid of higher weight placed on D1 games, since our current D1 is just a glorified D2 anyway. I mean, Spinelli’s is torching teams. Joey Batts is killing it in D1 and D4. Just so, so much to argue.
4. Have you signed your waiver yet? Seriously, if you haven’t, you’re not going to be allowed to play. You had enough warning.
5. Are we cursed? It appears the lesser leagues in the area have put some sort of voodoo hex over the fields this season, but if I’m not mistaken, Topper will be having the fields blessed with Holy Water in order to give us some smooth sailing the rest of the season.
TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:
1. Hearing about the amazing actions of the TSLers who tended to one of our own in their time of need was overwhelming. We have some extremely good TSLers in this league, and your selflessness last week proved just how much of a family this league really is. Great, great work.
2. The best games to watch this week:
a. 10:00 - Passing While Intoxicated vs Tater Tots
b. 11:00 - TMA vs Cobblestone
c. 12:00 - Itches and Ohs vs Frodo Swaggins
d. 1:00 - The Notorious BNB vs Scared Hitless
e. 2:00 - Eyes Downtown vs Tight Ends In Motion
f. 3:00 - Two Tuddies vs Red Zone Mafia
3. Breakfast Club Predictions:
a. The EsCourts 21 - Jennatalia 18
b. Steph Infection 30 - DOMINatrix 24
c. Liddle Deaks 37 - Trish’s Tiny Disasters 34
4. What’s that? You’re still mad I didn’t mention you and your team enough? Feel free to email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. like everyone else does. Thanks.
5. Did you know we also have a Twitter Account? @toppersportsllc is looking to be back up and running. Give it a follow now!
6. Shoutout to Punkin The Clown (And Steph The Clown) for coming out to the fields this week to paint the faces of some Breakfast Club losers.
7. The best part about seeing all of the photos from last week? The sunburned faces. Wear your sunscreen people, we always go over this.
8. 3 teams that need a win this week: Buffalo Vice, Blitzkrieg, Sticky Bandits
9. Congrats to all of the winners of the Fall 2021 Awards (as posted in the Power Rankings article yesterday). It wasn’t ideal to just post them, but we’re 3 weeks into the Spring season, not sure what else Topper could do.
10. Remember, all sub list requests go to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. , and you’re going to need to request people who are on the Sub List only. You can do it!
And that’s it for this week, good luck out there, and stay safe. That means sunscreen.
Enjoy!
-GF
