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Ladies and Gentlemen, even with Mother Nature’s best efforts to stop the start of the Spring 2022 season, the Race For Social Co-Ed Football Immortality has officially begun! 

 

Despite most of you waking up to apparent snow flurries (that we didn’t have here in Des Moines) last Saturday, Topper did what he does best: he stood firm. He laughed in the face of bad weather and declared that the games were on. He was almost immediately rewarded for such bravery: 

 

B’s. Brother. 

 

That’s right, the TSL was graced with the presence of one of it’s greatest football minds in history right off the bat. B’s Brother showed up, championship title in hand, and before you knew it, God himself realized how special this day was and the weather consistently improved, giving the TSL a heck of a Week 1 for the Spring 2022 season. 

 

That’s how we kick things off. It’s only going to get better from here. 

 

We had some close games and some not so close games. The TSL universe forced the Angry Buffalo to open the outside bar, which wasn’t in the plans for them. People were just happy to be back and they showed it. New faces and old faces littered the bar, and as we really get settled, it’s only going to get bigger and better. 

 

And while the TSL’s off the field action was on fire right out of the gate, so was the action on the fields as well. We had a *lot* of close games with a few blowouts sprinkled in. Some teams were definitely shaking off the rust from a long offseason, while others looked to be preparing for this day for months. Who looked good? Who looked like they need to figure some stuff out?

 

Who disagreed with everything I’ve ever said about their team and would like to set the record straight? Email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. immediately to tell me why I’m wrong. Or why I’m right. Don’t be scared kids, the more you talk to me, the more press you’re going to get. 

 

Let’s go take a look. . . . 

 

D1: 

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Tight Ends In Motion 48, Sticky Bandits 42

Legends 37, Eyes Downtown 16

 

Perhaps we should stop the immediate “Bobby McConnell is the #1 QB in the league now that all of the players better than him retired” chatter already. Eyes Downtown looked every bit the worst team in the division after one week, leaving one person to text me “Bobby should’ve retired too”. The Legends came in and won this game “without even really trying”. Meanwhile, Sticky took on their more athletic friends and lost, and it just proved to be near impossible for them to cover “Human Tree” Derek Bongiovanni. Both teams, however, looked pretty good on offense with neither being quite at full strength. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Eyes Downtown vs Sticky Bandits (+6) - Unlike the quite excited overreaction texts i received on Saturday, I’m not ready to bury Bobby and company after one bad game against a super team. However, if Eyes Downtown lose to Sticky Bandits, then the whispers might actually hold some weight. Expect Eyes Downtown to reclaim their respect this week. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 10

 

Legends vs Tight Ends In Motion (+8) - Until a team punches the Legends in the mouth, they’re going to be giving points each week. For all of the chatter about the girls TEIM lost, I got the most texts about Emma Patterson looking *very* good for them on the field. TEIM and just trot out top tier TSL women it seems. Anyway, another week, another championship preview it seems. Don’t know who’s going to stop the Legends, if anyone can. LEGENDS BY 14

 

D2:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Scared Hitless 31, Bullet Club 29

DILFs 33, Grey Hair 14

The Notorious BNB 45, Passed Our Prime 36

 

Scared Hitless had a nice comeback win over Bullet Club in a back and forth game between two evenly matched teams. Grey Hair’s first game in D2 didn’t go exactly as they would have liked, but getting a very talented DILFs squad right out of the gate isn’t the best of luck. Passed Our Prime picked up right where they left off last season: allowing nearly 50 points while only scoring about 40. If this team ever learns what defense is, they might be .500 some day. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

DILFs vs Scared Hitless (+7) - This is a pretty nice matchup to get the day started in D2. The DILFs kicked the season off looking like division favorites, but you can’t really count out anyone in this division yet. Scared Hitless pulled off the comeback last week, not sure they can do it twice in a row. DILFS BY 6

 

Passed Our Prime vs When Dove Cries (+13) - When Dove Cries looks a little different than they have in season’s past, with Topper on the IR for the first few weeks of the season, and they’re breaking in a brand new set of women. It’ll be hard to score the amount of points needed to keep up with the POP offense. PASSED OUR PRIME BY 10

 

Passed Our Prime vs Bullet Club (EVEN) - Things get a little harder for POP in the back half of their double header as they take on a newer look Bullet Club team that looks to be a bit more rejuvenated with Tommy Hughes calling the plays and Dylan throwing the ball. This game could really be a shootout where the winning team may be the one with the ball last. PASSED OUR PRIME BY 2

 

The Notorious BNB vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+4) - BNB looked every bit as good as they ever have against the porous POP defense, and that’s getting them some buzz as D2 contenders. Grey Hair should have an easier time this week as they grow acclimated to a higher division. So much so that GREY HAIR BY 3

 

D3:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Frodo Swaggins 28, Freeballers 21

4th and Something 23, Show Me Dem TDs 7

Itches and Ohs 39, Buffalo Vice 16

 

Frodo Swaggins comes swinging right out of the gate and puts up a very nice win against the Freeballers right away. 4th and Something shows that the Keller family truly is a TSL power, as they had three generations of Keller on the sidelines. They walked away with a feel good win for sure. And Itches and Ohs picked up right where they left off, taking a dominant victory over thier old D4 rivals in Buffalo Vice. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Frodo Swaggins vs Sleezin Szn (+7) - If Sleezin Szn is going to make waves this year, its first test against Frodo will tell us everything we need to know. If this wasn’t the first game of the year for SS, I’d feel better about picking them. Since they have some old rust to dust off (espeically off of Doreen) i’ll run with the Swag. FRODO SWAGGINS BY 8

 

4th and Something vs Buffalo Vice (EVEN) - The oddsmakers didn’t know what to do with this game. 4th and Something showed some moxie last week, taking the win, while Buffalo Vice looked lost against a team they’ve played many times before. I think Buffalo Vice has a distinct speed advantage, and they’ll be able to use that to win the game. BUFFALO VICE BY 10

 

Itches and Ohs vs The Untouchaballs (+3) - I don’t quite know if the TSL is ready for Burr vs Moser. There is a very real chance that these two QBs get into a war of words on the field, especially if the game is close, which i think it will be. Neither are scared of the other, which can only mean one thing: It’s going to be awesome. ITCHES AND OHS BY 2

 

D4:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Puckett All-Stars 34, XMD 24

Vaspian 19, Cant Touch This 13

Zack Attack 21, Varsity Has Beens 12

Cunning Stunts 36, ILF 24

Practice Squad 42, TOX 14

Spinelli’s Plumbing 56, Today’s Feast 16

 

When you have a division of 12 teams, it will quickly become apparent who the top contenders are and who the top pretenders are. D4 is the place to be for wild football games that will consistently be fun. Puckett vs DMX, er, XMD, was by all reports a great football game. Vaspian and CTT either had really good defenses or really bad offenses that need to work on things. Zack Attack did what they always do, score enough to win, control the ball, and shut down the other team. Their defense is amazing, it’ll be nice to see what Varsity can do this week. The Stunts are already on fire, and they beat up on ILF in their jump up to D4. Practice Squad murdered TOX whose jump to D4 after not exactly killing it in D5 last season seems ill advised. You know what wasn’t though? Spinelli’s Plumbing jumped up to D4 and continued just raining points on people. They might have the best offense in the TSL, as it’s been nearly unstoppable for many seasons now, across THREE divisions. Considering the spots available in the divisions above them, I wouldn’t be surprised if my Spring 2023 articles talk about them in D2. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Cunning Stunts vs Can’t Touch This (+16) - Dear CTT, I don’t know if you’ve played a gender team before, but I’ll tell you right now: don’t underestimate the girls. They’ll beat you. It’s imperative that you get gender TDs. Good luck with this one. You’ll need it. CUNNING STUNTS BY 12

 

Spinelli’s Plumbing vs XMD (+8) - The Spinelli’s juggernaut rolls into town to play XMD, who only about 8 years ago were basically what Spinelli’s is now. XMD knows how to play the game, but they’re on the tracks and the train is coming. I haven’t seen SP get slowed down yet. SPINELLI’S PLUMBING BY 14

 

Practice Squad vs ILF (+12) - Practice Squad is healthy. I repeat, Practice Squad is healthy. They looked every bit the part of a top D4 team last week, and while the competition gets harder for them this week with the ILF Community coming to play, they’re still a cut above them and ILF adjusts to the better competition. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 7

 

Varsity Has Beens vs Today’s Feast (EVEN) - Another game where we aren’t quite sure what to expect from these teams. Both of these squads got to play either the top defense or top offense in the division, so it’s not a good barometer for how they’ll actually fare during the season. I have to pick someone though, so give me the team that still did well against Zack Attack. VARSITY HAS BEENS BY 1

 

Zack Attack vs TOX (+7) - I’m hoping the good people at TOX shake off last week. It doesn’t get any easier for a struggling offense than getting to play Zack Attack though. The Attack looked right at home like they haven’t missed a beat last week. D4 is on notice. ZACK ATTACK BY 7

 

Puckett All-Stars vs Vaspian (EVEN) - This should be a really good back and forth between two evenly matched teams. Puckett seems to have thier offense humming a little bit better right now though. PUCKETT ALL STARS BY 13

 

D5:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

TMA 26, Passing While Intoxicated 21

Cobblestone 42, Come From Behind 39

Tater Tots 33, Two Tuddies 14

Red Zone Mafia 27, 716 21

 

TMA finally moves up to D5 and they get a win over a brand new team in PWI. PWI is lead by Colorado Mike, which immediately makes them my favorite brand new team for now. TMA’s roster looks slightly different than it did last season, but the results remained the same. Cobblestone signed up for the league at the last possible second, but Darryl and his hair was on point in stealing a victory from Come From Behind. I say steal because it was reported that Darryl may have paid a certain airline to delay the flight of Paul LoVullo so he couldn’t make the game. No word on the validity of this rumor yet. The Tater Tots looked like they never took any time off, rolling the new Two Tuddies team (who stayed true to their name by only scoring two TDs!) and welcoming them to the league the “hard way”. Red Zone Mafia looks amazing, and they wore their great new jerseys in a big early season win against 716 who hung with them the entire time. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Cobblestone vs Two Tuddies (+12) - The irony of the oddsmakers giving the Tuddies 12 points isn’t lost on me. The newbies get to take on a TSL legend in Darryl Carr QB Superstar, who’s still apparently throwing touchdowns AND clotheslines on the field. If there’s one thing more dangerous than regular Darryl, it’s fiesty Darryl. COBBLESTONE BY 18

 

TMA vs Tater Tots (EVEN) - A once quite heated rivalry comes back to the forefront in D5 as these former foes take each other on. I’m relatively sure there’s no love lost between these two teams, and the potential for fireworks should be high. This should be must watch football for anyone at the fields. TMA BY 3

 

Come From Behind vs TMA (+6) - TMA will go from a emotional game to playing a very, very good CFB team that consistently gets underrated by everyone. I think that’s the way they like it though. CFB is catching TMA at a good time, and it’ll work out for them. COME FROM BEHIND BY 8

 

Come From Behind vs Red Zone Mafia (+6) - The Mafia got off to a really, really nice start and I think they’ll be in the hunt for a D5 title this season. So will Come From Behind as well. I’m still not too sure about the team beyond the Lattuca family just yet, so I’ll take the more known squad. COME FROM BEHIND BY 3

 

Not So Sticky vs Passing While Intoxicated (+3) - I’m not 100% sure this game won’t be turned into a drinking game instead of football. It might be played at the bar in a falls count anywhere match. NSS opens their season with a more than able PWI team, and i think this will be a heck of a matchup. NOT SO STICKY BY 2

 

D6:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Southside 32, Travis Henry’s Kids 14

Lettuce Win 48, Lenny’s Ladies 8

 

I see you Southside! I see you Lettuce Win! Some absolute blowouts this week as Southside beat up on the preseason favorites in THK to really announce to the league that they’re here. Lettuce Win proceeded to dominate the Ladies as well, ready to show the league that last season was an anomaly and they can *play*. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Travis Henry’s Kids vs Blitzkrieg (+3) - Alex is back. Tom is back. The very, very good girls are back. Allie is not back, which is sad. What’s even worse is that it’s been reported that Light Red Hoodie Guy is considering retirement, which is absolutely tragic. I won’t believe it until he leaves the field one day, leaving the hoodie on the 50 yard line like a wrestler leaving his boots in the ring. THK had a rough go of it last week, which can only tell me that I was right about John Langley imploding and costing his talented team a victory. Everyone else on that team seems way too cool to blame. BLITZKRIEG BY 10

 

Lettuce Win vs Southside (EVEN) - Well, here we are, just one week after both of these teams had HUGE wins, they get to face off right away to take control of the division. I don’t know much about either of these teams (guys, email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and lets chat) but I think this might be a fantastic game. SOUTHSIDE BY 8

 

Woodpeckers vs Lenny’s Ladies (+14) - This game will be won based on how far a 258 year old QB can throw a football. Lenny’s Ladies are fast, and extremely talented, but they’re still learning how to play defense, especially against the deep ball. They can move the ball as well, but they had lots of trouble scoring in the red zone. WOODPECKERS BY 17

 

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY: 

1. Will B’s Brother return for a second straight week? B, you need to make this happen. The TSL is at it’s absolute best when B’s Brother is there, and he singlehandedly changed the weather for the better last week. Topper told me so. 

 

2. Can the Legends be stopped? It’s going to be hard to stop a team that’s THAT talented, but in reality any one of the other D1 teams are smart enough to figure out how to slow them down. That’s one thing, execution is the other. 

3. Where’s the Sentinel? I asked Topper this very question when I didn’t see an article posted earlier in the week. It appears they are taking the season, and perhaps forever, off. But after hearing the podcast, and talking to Topper, there are going to be other articles, including a weekly column written by a different TSLer each week. We have some pretty awesome people in our league, so I’m looking forward to seeing who writes these. I think new people should too, to be honest. A fresh look at our league could be interesting. Email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. if you’re interested! 

4. Who’s going to win Breakfast Club? The best part of the TSL (and the only way to get on the sublist) begins this week as 6 teams take the field for Mimosa Immortality. We have some, um, interesting team names this time around (that I’m not even sure we can print) with some first time GMs. I think when the smoke clears, you’ll see Liddle Deaks winning the title over The EsCourts.

5. Who’s the best new team so far? As most people know, the TSL is more than just football. It’s about the people and being at the bar. While we have some dynamite new teams in the league already, i’ve heard the most about the people of Two Tuddies and I’d like to know more about them. Apparently they have the “right attitude”. We’ll see. 

 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:

1.     Here are the best games to watch this week: 

                                               i.     10:00 - Dilfs vs Scared Hitless

                                              ii.     11:00 - TMA vs Tater Tots

                                             iii.     12:00 - Spinelli’s Plumbing vs XMD

                                            iv.     1:00 - Sleezin Szn vs Frodo Swaggins

                                              v.     2:00 - Not So Stick vs Passing While Intoxicated

                                            vi.     3:00 - Itches and Ohs vs The Untouchaballs

 

 

2.      It was good to have the podcast back in my life. I like the new intro, and I think the addition of Trish as the permanent female co-host (if i heard correctly) is a homerun. I’d like to see more new people on the show as the league is growing.

 

3.     Breakfast Club predictions: Liddle Deaks 34 - The EsCourts 27, Steph Infection 28 - Jennatalia 16, Trish’s Tiny Disasters 40 - Dominatrix 17

 

4.     Three teams that really need a win already in Week 2: Travis Henry’s Kids, Eyes Downtown, Grey Hair Don’t Care

 

5.     Three teams that look like they’re for real: Scared Hitless, Spinelli’s Plumbing, Itches and Ohs (Two teams that moved up a division still killing it)

 

6.     Topper is quite excited about a very special guest that will be at the fields this week, waiting for the loser of the Breakfast Club bet between Steph Infection and Jennatalia. Be there to find out who it is. 

 

7.     We could still use some referees to help out Coach Jay, so if you’re willing to ref (OR you play on two teams) you’re going to have to start signing up when he’s looking. 

 

8.     It’s currently shaping up to be a warm day tomorrow, although it appears we might have some rain early on. Prepare accordingly. 

 

9.     Are the Freeballers good anymore or was that just a one time thing? 

 

10.  Pretty convenient how Topper scheduled his surgery for just before the season starts. Seems like he’s scared to play Hogan. And Alex. And Dylan. And other Dylan. And Dubey, but that’s understandable. And Dave. He’s taking “saving it for the playoffs” to new heights it seems. 

And that’s that for the article for Week 2. I hope you guys have a blast out there on the fields. Go out there and have a blast, make new friends, and of course, send me as much information as possible. Looking forward to getting to know a lot of you. 

 

-GF

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