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Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, how are you? 

 

We’ve made it to May! That’s sad because the season is ⅓ of the way over, but it’s a great thing because the season is in full swing. For the first time all season, we didn’t have any ambulances or anything serious happen, other than a few minor inconveniences. (See what I did there?) 

 

But, because of all the distractions out there, there’s some good things not being noticed on the fields by the TSL community! But don’t you worry your little heads because I see what’s happening out there.

 

I SEE YOU, Vaspian. Vaspian is quietly sitting at 3-0 in a juggernaut filled D4. While the teams around them such as the Cunning Stunts, Practice Squad, the hyper impressive Spinelli’s, and even the 2-1 Zack Attack take all of the press, Vaspian is once again putting together a terrific regular season that nobody is paying attention to. 

 

I SEE YOU, Cobblestone. Darryl F’ing Carr and his glorious mane have turned back the clock to 1977, and Cobblestone is 4-0 for what feels like the first time in forever. I know there are people expecting the Timeless Wonder’s body to just give up on him sometime during the season, but it’s looking more and more like he made a deal with the devil for this season and he’s just going to keep throwing dimes. Good luck D5. 

 

I SEE YOU, 4th And Something. This might be the death knell they didn’t want, but this team is crushing my preseason expectations, and yours. Scotty looks great, anything that’s a Keller looks great, and what’s scarier is that they’re having fun. That makes them even more dangerous. The Untouchaballs are the “media darlings” of D3, but this team looks to give them a run for their money. 

 

But with the good teams people aren’t talking enough about, there’s the bad teams that are sliding by as well. 

 

I SEE YOU, Bullet Club. Bullet Club is 0-3 for 100th straight season, despite adding some Public Enemy castoffs and getting a new QB. New team, new players, same results: getting blown out, blowing leads, and having nobody show up. 

 

I SEE YOU, Buffalo Vice. Your best player is a 10-year-old. No wait, that’s just Caitlyn, they look alike. Your second-best player is a 10-year-old (with some moves!), you’re 0-3, and this just isn’t the magical season you envisioned in the offseason. I’m not going to say it’s because Dan didn’t send me his usual team report email, but it feels like it might be that way. 

 

I SEE YOU, Can’t Touch This. Today’s Feast might also be 0-3, but they’ve scored nearly double the points. I know CTT is a new team (or a renamed team, I guess), but 33 points in 3 games isn’t going to cut it. D4 is just too packed, and I think we’ve got one of our ‘miss the playoffs” teams currently. Prove me wrong guys. D5 is in your future, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

 

Eleven teams have yet to win a game this session, which feels like a lot when we’re three weeks into the season. Granted, two of those teams have only played 1 game so far, but even still you’d think one of the other 9 would stumble into a victory at some point by now. The good part is that some of these will eventually play each other, some as soon as this week. For the teams that aren’t getting noticed yet, there’s still a LOT of time for you to keep doing what you’re doing and as the Macho Man Randy Savage once said, The Cream Rises To The Top. You’ll get noticed sooner than later. Heck, I’ve already noticed you. Enjoy that target on your backs. 

 

Let’s move on to Da Writeup. 

 

D1:

 

Last Week’s Scores:

 

Legends 30, Sticky Bandits 29

Eyes Downtown 36, Tight Ends In Motion 34

 

Okay, maybe the Legends aren’t going to slaughter everyone as previously predicted, and perhaps Eyes Downtown isn’t dead yet. These are good things. Very close games this week, which is exactly what you want in your top division. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Tight Ends In Motion vs Sticky Bandits (+3) - The last time these two met, I believe both teams scored on every possession. I also believe both teams were shorthanded. This game is going to look a lot like the last one, hopefully with both teams at full strength. STICKY BANDITS BY 1

 

Legends vs Eyes Downtown (+6) - The Legends are 3-0, while everyone else is 1-2, but like I said, they’re not destroying the league. Despite a rough start, Eyes Downtown is molding into the team we all assumed they’d be out of the gate. I’m not a brave enough person to pick them to win just yet, but we’re getting closer. LEGENDS BY 6

 

D2:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

When Dove Cries 30, Bullet Club 13

Scared Hitless 41, The Notorious BNB 28

 

I’m not sure how, but there were only two D2 games last week. Bullet Club got outclassed by a superior When Dove Cries team who’s still figuring out life without Topper (hint: Get Mike Thomas) but the real news happened in the other game. Scared Hitless officially staked their claim to the D2 title with a very nice win over The Notorious BNB. I’ve said for years that Scared Hitless will go as far as their QB will take them, and the reports I’ve gotten from the “spies” at the field is that Dylan looks to be taking that “next step”. Jonny F’n Football, I KNOW you’re reading this, so email me and tell me if this is true. I need that confident email in my life. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Passed Our Prime vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+10) - POP is coming off a bye week as they’ve learned to rest Hogan’s arm once every couple of weeks. He’s not exactly a picture of health, so anything they can do to keep him healthy is important here. Grey Hair is coming along nicely, despite the 0-2 record. There was always going to be an adjustment period. They’ll be okay, but I don’t think they can score nearly enough points to keep up with the purple machine. PASSED OUR PRIME BY 15

 

When Dove Cries vs Grey Hair Don’t Care (+3) - A much more manageable matchup for Grey Hair in their second game of the day. When Dove Cries has been average so far, but you know who’s been getting a lot of publicity in my weekly messages from people? Talia! People are letting me know she’s killing it, which is great for a team that lost two Clarkes and a Kelly in the offseason. It’s just what they need. WHEN DOVE CRIES BY 3

 

DILFS vs Bullet Club (+7) - A classic matchup as these teams have met for what feels to be 100 times now already. And the story remains the same as usual here too. Both teams are near the bottom of the D2 standings, but somehow they’ll throw an upset or two in the playoffs and I’ll write about how “D2 once again has its 5th, 6th, and 7th seeds still alive in the playoffs!” and all of that. But for right now, one team is playing better, and that’s the DILFs. DILFS BY 9

 

Scared Hitless vs Passed Our Prime (+4) - Here we are in the latest of the ‘what an awesome matchup in D2’ games. This game has huge playoff implications for the #1 seed bye tiebreakers. Scared Hitless can score with POP. But can POP play defense with Scared Hitless? The first team to get a stop will more than likely win this game. Count on Scared Hitless to get it. SCARED HITLESS BY 6

 

D3:

 

Last Week’s Games: 

 

The Untouchaballs 35, Frodo Swaggins 28

Freeballers 36, Buffalo Vice 12

Itches and Ohs 42, Frodo Swaggins 41

The Untouchaballs 38, Sleezin Szn 25

4th And Something 49, Itches and Ohs 32

 

The Untouchaballs go 2-0 against some tough competition to really show they belong here when we talk about the best teams in D3. Frodo Swaggins lose two close games, so while they went 0-2, that isn’t the end of the world, as they have to know they could’ve won both games and been the talk of the league going into today. The Freeballers beat up on Buffalo Vice, which can only have all of Vice contemplating retirement at this point. And 4th and Something smacked around Itches and Ohs to assert their dominance atop the division. D3 is getting really, really fun. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Frodo Swaggins vs Show Me Dem TDs (+8) - SMDTDs make their return to the fields after a couple of weeks off, and they get a refocused Frodo for their troubles. SMDTDs has a really nice, revamped roster though, so you can’t sleep on them just yet. This game will be closer than you think. SHOW ME DEM TDS BY 2

 

4th and Something vs The Untouchaballs (EVEN) - OH. IT. IS. ON!!! The top two teams in the division meet at 1:00 on Field 2 in what should be an epic battle. Scotty vs Burr should give anyone watching this game an earful. This is the championship preview, and you should all be there to witness. I refuse to give either team a chip on their shoulders, so: THE GAME WILL END IN A TIE. 

 

Itches and Ohs vs Freeballers (+6) - Itches is a slightly better team, despite both of them being .500. I actually think this game will be a shootout, so take the over. Both teams can score, but I give Itches the edge based on their overall female talent being a little better. ITCHES AND OHS BY 2

 

Sleezin Szn vs Buffalo Vice (+7) - These two teams are a combined 0-5, but they’ve been mostly competitive when they have all their players. I have a feeling Vice is struggling with attendance, and that is why they’re 0-3. Sleezin hasn’t been slouches in their games so far either. I think the Sleezin offense is slightly better right now, which should give them the edge. SLEEZIN SZN BY 10

 

D4: 

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Practice Squad 22, Can’t Touch This 6

Cunning Stunts 45, Puckett All-Stars 44

ILF 19, Zack Attack 14

Vaspian 36, Varsity Has Beens 22

XMD 42, Today’s Feast 20

 

D4 had quite the week last week! We had a little bit of everything: First, a top team laid the smack down on a bottom dweller as Practice Squad waltzed through Can’t Touch This. Then we had an absolute banger between the Stunts and Puckett, who showed they can hang with the top teams in the division (even though we already knew that) despite the 1-2 record. We had an upset as ILF took out the Zack Attack, we had Vaspian win a potential trap game for them against VHB, and we got to see the XMD of old air it out in a win over Today’s Feast. Just a lot of fun in this absolutely insane division. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Zack Attack vs Can’t Touch This (+12) - The early leaders for best at the bar took an L last weekend, which can only spell doom for CTT, who as I’ve said before are still trying to find their way. A struggling offense that’s working on things running into one of the best defenses the league can throw at them isn’t a recipe for success. ZACK ATTACK BY 18

 

Practice Squad vs Puckett All-Stars (+2) - These two teams can score pretty similarly, so I expect nothing but a close contest in a big matchup that really has “Game of the Day” vibes to it. B has been pretty awesome since making his return to QB a couple of years ago, and he really is the perfect match for this squad. There’s talent all over the place to make him look good, but we all know his secret for this season: bringing B’s Brother. It’s the source of his powers. I guess you can say that having B’s Brother around really makes them “Plugged In”. Anyway, while making the playoffs shouldn’t be an issue for Puckett, they’re going to have to win one of these games sooner or later. I think this is it. PUCKETT ALL STARS BY 1

 

Spinelli’s Plumbing vs Interdimensional Lightning Falcons (+14) - Is 14 a lot? Yes. But I don’t make the point spreads here. Even though the ILF defense is slightly underrated by the league as a whole, I can’t imagine them being able to stop this juggernaut of an offense, nor can I imagine them scoring enough to win a “track meet” with Spinelli’s. SPINELLI’S PLUMBING BY 10. 

 

Spinelli’s Plumbing vs TOX (+24) - 14 might’ve been a lot for the game above, but 24 doesn’t feel nearly enough. There isn’t much to say here. This is going to be the TSL’s version of a car crash, but it’s a semi hitting a Razor Scooter. SPINELLI’S PLUMBING BY 30. 

 

XMD vs Varsity Has Beens (+6) - The numbers show that these two teams are pretty close. They’re currently the 35th and 37th ranked teams in all of the TSL, both are 1-2, and both have been a part of close games so far. I think XMD has a little more firepower on offense which is usually the difference here. XMD BY 3

 

TOX vs Today’s Feast (EVEN) - One of these teams will no longer be winless leaving today. TOX’s offense is averaging a very sad 11 points a game so far, while allowing about 37 a game. Today’s Feast is scoring a more modest 20 points a game, while allowing around 43 points a game. The math is set up to give Today’s Feast a big victory and get on the board! LETS GO! TODAY’S FEAST BY 3

 

Cunning Stunts vs Vaspian (+6) - Well Vaspian, I gave you the inspirational “I See You” speech at the top of the column. Now it’s on you to prove me right. If you’re going to be talked about this season, you need to win this game, or you’ll be living in the shadows of these girls the rest of the season. The Stunts are amazing and talented, and they have the #1 QB in the league in Joey Batts throwing his best. It’s a tall order, but Vaspian is quite tall themselves. This is the big one. VASPIAN BY 2

 

D5:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Tater Tots 28, Passing While Intoxicated 10

Cobblestone 30, TMA 22

Cobblestone 40, Come From Behind 6

TMA 42, Not So Sticky 14

716 40, Not So Sticky 6

Red Zone Mafia 52, Two Tuddies 27

 

The Tater Tots get right back on track this week as they take a relatively easy game from PWI. Cobblestone goes 2-0 against some D5 heavy hitters and stake their claim to the championship. Big weekend for them. TMA rebounded from the Cobblestone loss to destroy Not So Sticky, who went 0-2 on the day with a combined score of 82-20. Woof. And finally the Red Zone Mafia moved to 2-1 on the season with a win over the Tuddies. 

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Cobblestone vs Passing While Intoxicated (+9) - Reports of Darryl’s super team are flowing into the league offices, but quite frankly, they can be beaten, and the TSL is just more fun when Cobblestone is good. PWI is definitely a fun new team that is going to get more dangerous as time goes on. But that’s not right now. COBBLESTONE BY 8

 

716 vs Come From Behind (+5) - 716 is off to a quietly decent start here, while CFB is uncharacteristically 1-3 and looking up at the standings. I don’t believe they’ll end up being in the play-in game (Not with NSS and the Tuddies around) and from what I’ve been told Paul hasn’t been there to throw yet, so things aren’t that dire, but they’re going to need knock out a win or two soon. I know 716 had some recent roster shuffling that could affect the mojo they’re building, so it seems like it’s a perfect storm for CFB. COME FROM BEHIND BY 8

 

Tater Tots vs Not So Sticky (+9) - You just never know what you’re going to get from Not So Sticky. I know that’s kind of the point, but one season they’re looking like they could challenge for the championship and now they look like they forgot what football is. They’re hard to predict. As for the Tots, David Marcus (who from what I understand has upgraded from “Drunk Meg’s Boyfriend” to “Drunk Meg’s Husband”) has put together a really good squad that people just continue to underestimate. They quietly have a better than average group of ladies out there, and they know how to play TSL football. Don’t be surprised to see them as D5 championship contenders in a few weeks. TATER TOTS BY 12

 

TMA vs Red Zone Mafia (+10) - On the plus side for TMA, getting the loss out of the way early means there’s zero pressure of going undefeated in D5. Not that they’ve ever needed help getting motivated. From what I’m being told, they just feel like a different team now that the championship monkey is off their back, and they can just play football. RZM is sitting at 2-1 and not getting any love right now in the press. Perhaps I should’ve given them an “I SEE YOU” earlier, but I’m not going back to fix that. I overlooked them even when I was looking for overlooked teams. That should tell you everything you need to know about them, and I’ll firmly place that chip on their shoulders. This is the game for them to really make a statement. But I don’t think they will. TMA BY 12

 

Not So Sticky vs Two Tuddies (+3) - Some divisions have championship previews. D5 has Play-in game previews. The Tuddies have a real chance to take their first win of their careers here, as Not So Sticky tends to be Not So Sober when they play at 2:00pm. A fun game should be had by all. TWO TUDDIES BY 7

 

D6:

 

Last Week’s Scores:

 

Travis Henry’s Kids 43, Lettuce Win 24

Blitzkrieg 34, Lenny’s Ladies 33

Blitzkrieg 21, Southside 0

 

Travis Henry’s Kids look like they’re going to stomp the division at this rate after an early season hiccup Week 1. Blitzkrieg survives Lenny’s Ladies to get their first win of the season, but then were gifted a forfeit win when Southside was unfortunately caught with some illegal players. Let’s make it pretty clear that even without those players, Southside was apparently stomping Blitzkrieg that game.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Blitzkrieg vs Lettuce Win (EVEN) - There aren’t too many “both teams need this win badly” games this week, but this one is one of them for sure. Lettuce Win has followed up their win over Lenny’s Ladies in Week 1 with a loss to Southside and they got blown out by THK. Blitzkrieg followed up getting blown out by THK with a win over Lenny’s Ladies and they were losing to Southside until fate intervened. You see where I’m going with this. Both teams need this win to get on track before things unravel for the season. If either team is going to be a contender here, this is the prove it game. BLITZKRIEG BY 3

 

Travis Henry’s Kids vs Woodpeckers (+16) - The Woodpeckers make their return to the fields after a whopper of a first game this season. And they get thrown right into the buzzsaw that is THK. THK has scored 95 points in the last two weeks combined, and they don’t look like they can be stopped right now. Are they too good for D6? Probably. TRAVIS HENRY’S KIDS BY 20

 

Southside vs Lenny’s Ladies (+10) - Lenny’s Ladies had quite the battle with Blitzkrieg last week as backup QB George was excellent subbing in. They scored late to pull within a point, went for two, and didn’t get it. So, they’re riding high right now. Southside is being talked about for all the wrong reasons right now, when they should be talked about how they’re Unofficially Undefeated and they smacked around the “too good for D6” Travis Henry’s Kids Week 1. Southside is good, and they players they lost were not the reason for it. Alyssa, you’re not the first captain to be lied to in the league, and it sucks that that happened to you, but now it’s on you to rally the troops and get back to doing what you guys do best: Win. SOUTHSIDE BY 14

 

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY: 

 

1.      DID YOU SEE “THE MANAGER”? This somehow became a running theme in my inbox this week as more than a few people emailed me that the minor leagues are blatantly ripping me off and wondering if I saw this “hot new article”? Of course, I hadn’t. Do you really think the NFL pays attention to what the Arena league is doing? Naturally, after 120 people told me about it, I had to take a look. Wow, it’s more of an egregious rip off than I thought. The format is even the same. Of course, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. And I get it, when new people want to sign up to the TSL because they hear about how great the football is and how they’ve had “the article that talks about teams” for years, they might stumble upon the other site by accident, see “The Manager” and think that’s the right league. Remember when the divisions were just random colors? I even heard they had spies at the bar last week to see what else they could steal. But what’s next to copy? They get a podcast people actually listen to? They get good at football? They find a bar sponsor you don’t have to drive to? They make things affordable? The possibilities are endless. Remember kids, Game On! is what you get when you order the TSL on Wish.com, and “The Manager” is no different. Let me take this second to congratulate the Wanderers on their 4,329th straight championship. We’re waiting for you.  

 

2.      Have you heard about the Breakfast Club Captains Bets? Topper actually messaged me yesterday to talk about how great the Breakfast Club Captains have been, and they’re constantly making bets, the way the Lord intended. There was the clown bet earlier, someone has to wear a sign at the fields, I hear bra bets are returning, and they just keep getting wilder. It was disappointing at first to see we had so many new captains since we lost some legit league legends, but these girls have taken the ball and run with it. 

3.      Are you bringing your IDs? Topper sent out an email to the captains this week he said that players must have IDs with them in case they get called out for being children. While I’m sure the drama is over, you should have it with you just in case. We don’t want teams to start a witch hunt, however, so don’t make it one. 

 

4.      Did you know that the podcast is now on Spotify? That’s right! Topper claimed himself to be Executive of the Year for 2022 already, as he put the podcasts up on Spotify for your listening pleasure. You just have to search for the Topper Sports Report podcast, and you should see the infamous TSL logo pop up. This should make listening easier for many of you. And if you want to be on the podcast, just ask any of Topper, Joe K, Jeff Krol, or Trish when you see them, don’t be shy. They want new TSLers as much as possible! 

 

5.      Are you unhappy with your team’s lack of coverage? I say it weekly, but I can only write about the teams that talk to me, or I get spoken to about. It’s nearly impossible to know who does what on the fields when I write this article from my log cabin in Des Moines, Iowa. If I don’t know you, or even if you’ve messaged me before, email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and just take a few minutes to tell me about your team and who rocks. It doesn’t have to be long, but let’s get to spotlight some new people! 

 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY:

 

1.      Breakfast Club Predictions: 

a.      Trish’s Tiny Disasters 31, Jennatalia 18

b.      Steph Infection 38, The EsCourts 35

c.      Liddle Deaks 40, Dominatrix 14

 

2.      Here are the best games for each hour this week on the fields: 

a.      10:00 - Lettuce Win vs Blitzkrieg

b.      11:00 - Practice Squad vs Puckett All-Stars

c.      12:00 - Scared Hitless vs Passed Our Prime

d.      1:00 - 4th and Something vs The Untouchaballs

e.      2:00 - Freeballers vs Itches and Ohs

f.       3:00 - Cunning Stunts vs Vaspian

 

3.      The weather in Buffalo is looking to be 56 degrees and mostly sunny. Wear your sunscreen and hydrate. It’s going to be a good one as we approach #dunktankseason.

 

4.      Joey Batts is finally ranked #1 in the TSL QB rankings and all it took was him putting together a super team and everyone else that was actually good at quarterbacking to get hurt, retire, or take a sabbatical. Good for him. 

 

5.      Can we get 4 straight weeks of B’s Brother? We’ve never been so lucky. I hope he drops a new album soon. Topper Records need to make a contract signing soon. He’s also needed on the podcast as soon as possible. 

 

6.      Speaking of things needed at the fields, we’re overdue for a DJ Jimmy and DJ Tommy party mix to rock the Rose Garden. 

 

7.      Three teams that desperately need a win this week: Bullet Club, Frodo Swaggins, Come From Behind.

 

8.      Current Championship Team Predictions: Legends, Scared Hitless, Itches and Ohs, Spinelli’s Plumbing, Cobblestone, Southside.

 

9.      I’d like to take another second to shout out the TSLers who have stepped up to referee some games each week to make sure things run smoothly. It was rocky for a second, but as usual the TSL family came together and helped out. And remember: Coach Jay, who is doing FANTASTIC WORK as usual, is stepping down from being our Head of Officiating after this season. If you want to be more involved with the league, this is your chance to step up and help out! 

 

10.  Don’t forget these important dates: June 4th is Lenny and Rameer Day; June 18th and June 25th are the playoffs. August 13th is the Wine Tournament! I feel like we need to have something in July now. 

 

The TSL season is in full swing, and we’re getting to a point where anything and everything will happen. And that’s the best part about it. Have fun, be safe, and show everyone why you’re going to win the Race for Social Co-Ed Football Immortality. 

 

GF OUT 

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