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“It’s almost exciting to think about all the room for improvement that we have” ~ Geno Smith

 

Hello and welcome back to your TSL Quarterback Power Rankings!  There are only two weeks left in the regular season and then the quest for playoff immortality begins.  Do you feel good about where your team is today? (You can be honest... you thought they'd be better.)

 

This is what we have for you this week:

• The TSL QB Power Rankings - Top 30 in the League, our most expansive Power Rankings of the season (so far!)
• Division by Division All-Star Teams - We'll pick a TSL All-Star team for each division... finally, some recognition for non-quarterbacks!  Did YOU make your division's All-Star Team??? Find out below!
• Final Observations

So let's get right to it.  Here are the Week Six TSL QB Power Rankings:

 

 

#1 David "Bro" Kleckler - Tight Ends in Motion - (Previous Rank #1)

Last Week:  Beat Sticky Bandits 51-24

 

Bro's six wins this season have come by 17, 27, 32, 32, 34 and 45 points.  Did we mention he's doing this in D1?  If there's a knock on Tight Ends in Motion right now (and there really isn't) it's that we haven't seen them pull off a win under pressure yet... because they've rarely been under pressure.  This is the highest scoring team in the TSL that doesn't exclusively score gender TDs.  So what do we do next week if TEIM loses to Public Enemy and confirms that they can't REALLY win the big one against their biggest rival when P.E. is at full strength? 

 

#2 Chris Cole - Public Enemy - (Previous Rank #2)

Last Week:  Beat Sticky Bandits 43-34, beat Sloppy Seconds 44-43

 

Two incredibly close wins over teams that Public Enemy was expected to blow out was a bit shocking to watch, but don't blame the offense for those near collapses: Cole scored 87 points in putting on an offensive clinic last week.  Public Enemy hasn't been nearly as dominant this season as Tight Ends in Motion, and yet the prevailing wisdom is that they'll step it up a notch and win when it matters in the playoffs.  Will they though?  And will Public Enemy pull out all the stops this week to lock in the #1 seed, or will they hold something back for playoffs?

 

#3 Bobby McConnell - Eyes Downtown - (Previous Rank #3)

Last Week:  Beat Why So Serious 34-33 (Eyes Downtown), lost to TopShot 56-25 (subbing for the Angels)

 

Why So Serious came one two point conversion away from a huge upset for their first W of the year, and some say it was not without controversy on that final play.  Regardless, Eyes Downtown walk away with the thrilling win and a realistic shot at a first round bye for the playoffs still in sight: if Bobby wins his last two games of the season (he should) and Public Enemy beats TEIM (they could) then Eyes Downtown should leapfrog TEIM for the #2 seed and earn a week off.  Not bad for a team that has been the afterthought "third best" team in D1 this season despite having stud athletes across the board AND one of the best QBs in the game.

 

#4 Dean Thompson - Peachy Platoon - (Previous Rank #4)

Last Week:  Beat Scared Hitless 24-19

 

A five point win over the last place team in your division isn't usually cause for celebration, but Peachy Platoon pulled this one off with three girls playing iron man when two of their guys cancelled at the last minute.  Dean not only got the win but did it in dramatic fashion, hitting his wife Marissa for a deep route on a drawn up play for a walk off toe-tap-slide-out-of-bounds TD.  Incredible call, incredible throw, and an even better catch.  A huge effort by Marissa, Teresa and Joy on the day, and Peachy's fifth win in a row since starting the season 0-1-1.  Some teams make excuses when they're short handed - Peachy just wins.  This may be the team to beat in a crowded D2 field.

 

#5 Jordan Lawson - Losing Streak / Victorious Secret - (Previous Rank #8)

Last Week:  Beat Bullet Club 38-26, beat Mountain Dew Me 55-22 (Losing Streak), lost to Spinelli's Plumbing 58-24 (Victorious Secret).

 

That 55-22 win over Mountain Dew Me is an impressive statement win for Jordan Lawson as the D2 playoffs approach.  When Losing Streak was 1-2 and getting murdered by A&A in Week 3, many wrote them off as contenders.  They're 4-0 since then and have outscored their opponents 199-97, scoring nearly 50 PPG over that stretch.  Losing Streak is 6th in the TSL in PPG, and 1st in their division, and Jordan has this team surging towards the playoffs with confidence.  Victorious Secret is... not exactly "surging towards the playoffs with confidence", but their June 12th matchup with BiPolar Express could be their ticket to MAKING the D6 playoffs.  The TSL crowds should absolutely love that one.

 

#6 Joey Batts - Mountain Dew Me / Cunning Stunts - (Previous Rank #5)

Last Week:  Beat A&A 44-37, lost to Losing Streak 55-22 (Mountain Dew Me), beat Practice Squad 43-32

 

Not really a BAD week for Joey Batts, as he takes down A&A (who would be leading D2 right now if not for this loss) AND Practice Squad (who would be leading D4 right now if not for this loss).  Seems odd that we drop the QB of Cunning Stunts (the single highest scoring team in the TSL) in the Rankings this week after the previous sentence, but that Losing Streak loss was a tough one, and slots Jordan slightly above Joey in the Power Rankings after Week Six of the season.  Joey has been a two time champion before.  Can he do it again in 2021?

 

#7 Mike Thomas - Sticky Bandits - (Previous Rank #6)

Last Week:  Lost to Public Enemy 43-34, lost to Tight Ends in Motion 51-24

 

Mike Thomas started the season against Public Enemy and Tight Ends in Motion and scored a combined 6 points in those games.  This week he faced both in a rematch, and although the Sticky Bandits defense hasn't made many steps forward, the offense certainly has, as Mike put up a combined 58 and nearly pulled off an upset win against the defending Champs.  These guys looked brutally out of place in D1 when the season started, but whatever adjustments they're making seem to be working, as Sticky Nation has been much more competitive the past month.  Mike drops one spot in the Power Rankings with the double loss... but how high would he have risen if he'd scored 10 more points in that Public Enemy game?

 

#8 Alex Buchlis - Sloppy Seconds - (Previous Rank #7)

Last Week:  Lost to Public Enemy 44-43

 

Public Enemy is a Top Ten defense in the entire TSL (they'd be a Top Two defense if we took into account what division they play in, which of course we don't) and Sloppy Seconds just dropped 43 points against them and nearly pulled off the upset win.  Sloppy's defense by the way is sixth WORST in the entire TSL, so the fact that they're going toe to toe with the Champs is a huge credit to Buchlis and the way he has the Sloppy offense rolling right now.  Alex has to score just about every drive to win games, and he very nearly did.  

 

#9 Garrett Beesing - Frodo Swaggins - (Previous Rank #11)

Last Week:  Beat Vaspian 27-23 (Frodo Swaggins), beat the Angels 56-25 (subbing for Top Shot)

 

Here's an argument for why Garrett should be the highest ranked QB in D3: for all of TopShot's success this year (and we'll get into that later) their BEST offensive showing this year came when their division rival Garrett Beesing subbed for their team and scored 56 points.  Oh and Garrett is still undefeated as the QB of Frodo Swaggins this year too.  Oh and he raised a ton of money for MS research this week.  There are many reasons Garrett Beesing is awesome but the guy is just an absolute winner and has really developed into a top level QB this season (after being a top level everything else previously).

 

#10 Brandt Dubey - XTC - (Previous Rank #9)

Last Week:  Lost to Slytherin that end zone 20-17

 

Scoring only two TDs and losing against a Newman-less, Coach Jay-less Slytherin isn't the type of performance we would have expected from Dubey, as his up and down season continues.  They're still middle of the pack in D2 for scoring and they still hold on to one of the last playoff spots in the division (prior to this week's loss they had won three in a row) but consistency is the name of the game for XTC as they wrap up the Spring 2021 season: if they find it they'll be contenders, and if they don't they're bound to flame out in the first round of playoffs. 

 

#11 Dylan Jaloza - TopShot - (Previous Rank #10)

Last Week:  Did Not Play

 

No Dylan this week as TopShot won with Garrett subbing under center.  TopShot is fourth in the League in offense, first in the League in defense, first in the League in total point differential, so they've been a huge success any way you look at it.  It's not really fair to hold someone's defense against him, but with the SINGLE BEST defense in the League and a sub QB leading TopShot to their highest point total this season, just how much of TopShot's success is Dylan vs his surrounding cast?  Just asking...

 

#12 Travis Cleavenger - Breast Friends / A&A - (Previous Rank #12)

Last Week:  Lost to Mountain Dew Me 44-37

 

With Matty on the I.R. and Travis leading A&A, can we please rename them "T&A" so Travis can lead TWO teams with hilariously classless names?  No game for Breast Friends this week as they pick up another forfeit win (Travis has two thirds of all League-wide forfeit wins this season and he's in charge of the sub-list... coincidence or controversy?) but A&A dropped a close one to Mountain Dew Me in the battle of the scrambling QBs.  No shame in scoring 37 in a losing effort against MDM, so Travis keeps the 12th spot in our Power Rankings this week.

 

#13 Patrick "Topper" McGovern - When Dove Cries / TOX - (Previous Rank #14)

Last Week:  Did Not Play

 

Every five years or so, Topper gets a day off.  Good for him, that aging arm of his needs the rest.  Now get back to work, your next day off isn't until 2026.

 

#14 Scott Drosendahl - Bullet Club - (Previous Rank #13)

Last Week:  Lost to Losing Streak 38-26

 

Bullet Club and Losing Streak should trade names, as B.C. has lost five in a row since starting the season 2-0.  With the exception of a bad A&A loss (and who hasn't had one of those?) Scotty has kept Bullet Club in just about every game this season, losing by 1, 4, 8 and 8 points along the way.  Crazy to think they're only 25 points away from being 6-1, but it doesn't work that way, so they're 2-5 instead.  Hopefully they turn things around this week with a nice easy win against... oh God, they're playing Peachy Platoon on Saturday.  Good luck Scotty!

 

#15 Matt Newman - Slytherin that end zone - (Previous Rank #14)

Last Week:  Did Not Play

 

Slytherin beats XTC 20-17 with Seth as QB, and Newman nowhere to be found.  Far be it from us to drum up QB controversies...

 

#16 Vince Taverna - All We Do is Quinn - (Previous Rank #13)

Last Week:  Beat the Untouchaballs 30-24

 

All We Do is Quinn win their first game since... May 1st?  That can't be right.  Vince gets the Quinners on track and picks up the Q (get it? all they do is quinn?) against the Untouchaballs.  They've absolutely had a rough month losing to TopShot and Frodo Swaggins, but if Vince has learned anything over the years, it's that the regular season is easily forgotten once the playoffs start.  So maybe this is their year to flip the script, get all their lumps in now, and make a playoff run?  Stranger things have happened.

 

#17 Andy Clark - Buffalo Vice - (Previous Rank #18)

Last Week:  Beat Not So Sticky 42-37

 

Andy keeps the fifth highest scoring team in the TSL rolling this week with another win against Not So Sticky.  Buffalo Vice aren't the "favorites" to win D4 as they're still a half a step behind Cunning Stunts for that honor, but man, are they close.  Andy jumps to the 17th spot in the Power Rankings this week and continues to be the highest ranked pure D4 Quarterback on the charts for a reason.  

 

#18 Jeremy Olsen - Passed Our Prime - (Previous Rank #17)

Last Week:  Did Not Play

 

Passed Our Prime is one of only a handful of teams to play only 5 games to this point in the season, and it feels like they've been short handed in nearly all of them.  We STILL have no idea how good these guys are in Week Six of the season, and the playoffs are just around the corner.  Olsen didn't play this week but interestingly enough Passed Our Prime jumped to second in their division in Offensive PPG during their week off as other teams who DID play scored fewer points.

 

#19 Brandon "B" Ford - Practice Squad - (Previous Rank #19)

Last Week:  Lost to Cunning Stunts 43-32

 

Last season Practice Squad was the plucky challenger to Mountain Dew Me in D5, and this season they're plucky challengers to Cunning Stunts and Buffalo Vice.  Maybe the "B" stands for "B List QB" and not "Brandon"?  (Just kidding B you know we love you).  Smart team, great athletes, SERIOUS contenders to win their division - Practice Squad just needs to find a way to win their biggest games, because they are absolutely taking care of business against everybody else.

 

#20 Joe Miano - Jabronies - (Previous Rank #20)

Last Week:  Beat Cobblestone 27-23

 

The Jabronies have a winning record and they're fourth in D4 in offensive PPG.  Why aren't we talking about Joe Miano more?  Big Game Joe beats Cobblestone this week and reminds the TSL that he's a proven winner and deserves more respect as a contender.  When their whole team is present, Jabronies is absolutely STACKED with talent (and no, that's not a pun about how they lost Ben Stack this season).

 

#21 Dylan Day - Scared Hitless - (Previous Rank #21)

Last Week:  Lost to Peachy Platoon 24-19

 

The bad news: Scared Hitless loses another close one, this time against a short handed gender-heavy Peachy Platoon.  The good news: their defense has held Losing Streak and Peachy Lite to 22 and 24 points respectively in the past two weeks, so one side of the ball is playing pretty well?  It'll be an uphill battle for Scared Hitless to make the playoffs as they've already lost tiebreakers to every other team at the bottom of the standings.  Their only hope is to go 2-0 against Mountain Dew Me and A&A, and hope Bullet Club goes 0-2 against Peachy Platoon and Mountain Dew Me.  We wouldn't bet on it, but what do we know?

 

#22 Dave Baker - Interdimensional Lightning Falcons - (Previous Rank #22)

Last Week:  Lost to Puckett All-Stars 43-30

 

Losing apparently doesn't hurt your position in OUR charts when none of the other QBs around you in the Power Rankings picked up wins this week, but man, this was an opportunity blown for ILF in the actual TSL standings.  Winning would have pushed them to second place in their division and labeled them as legit D5 contenders.  Losing has dropped them to the middle of the pack.  Dave is the savviest player in the game and impossible to write-off in any big game situation so we're convinced these guys will be a force to be reckoned with in the playoffs... but they're winning by about 1 PPG on average for the season, so their margin for error is razor thin right now.

 

#23 "Coach" Jay Jaskier - Wasted Potential - (Previous Rank #23)

Last Week:  Did Not Play

 

No Coach Jay this week - Wasted Potential gets smacked around by the Bambs in his absence.  No change for Jay's #23 ranking this week.

 

#24 Darryl Carr - Cobblestone - (Previous Rank #24)

Last Week:  Lost to Jabronies 27-23

 

The League's most relaxed superstar QB with great hair just lost to... another relaxed superstar QB with great hair.  Darryl doesn't care, he's probably TIED more games than most of us have won at this point.  Cobblestone clinched a D4 playoff spot this week with Not So Sticky and Woodpeckers losses, so even when Darryl loses, he finds a way to win.  What a life.

 

#25 Zack Elphick - Zack Attack - (Previous Rank #28)

Last Week:  Beat University Wealth Management 38-0, beat the Bambs 31-22

 

Alright, alright, you're still undefeated and we have no choice BUT to talk about you in our Power Rankings now.  Zack Attack is the last standing undefeated team in D5, and Zack Elphick (if he reads this article... does anyone?) probably can't understand why we haven't ranked him higher.  Fair point, but... you're the 7th best offense in your own division, and frankly you're not even that close to the 6th best team either.  But man, does this team play defense: Zack Attack is third best in the TSL at a mind blowing 16.1 PPG allowed.  Zack doesn't need to score 30 PPG when he's got that kind of help on the other side of the ball.  Great D helps you win games... but doesn't help you in the Power Rankings unfortunately.

 

#26 George Lombardo - Freeballers - (Previous Rank #30)

Last Week:  Beat Itches and Ohs 51-0*, beat Cobblestone 30-22

 

It doesn't even feel right calling that Itches and Ohs game 51-0 because they quit with 16 minutes left.  At that pace the final would have been 75-0, so can we pretend it was 75-0 please?  George Lombardo was fantastic in his 75-0 win, and he also beat TSL legend Darryl Carr on the same day as the Freeballers coasted to a 4-2 record.  George rises four spots in the Power Rankings this week.

 

#27 Nolan Perry - the Untouchaballs - (Previous Rank #27)

Last Week:  Lost to All We Do is Quinn 30-24

 

A close loss to AWDIQ is nothing to hang your head about.  Nolan Perry is the QB for Untouchaballs this year and by all accounts he's a great athlete with a great arm who's still getting used to QBing the co-ed touch football game.  None of us are great at this when we first get started (most of us aren't "great" even after years of doing this) but Nolan has his team believing in him and his potential is tremendous.  Untouchaballs is just 15 points away from being 5-2 this season with some close losses standing in the way of their climbing the D3 standings.  With another season under his belt, Nolan might have the Untouchaballs contending for a D3 championship... we just don't see that happening this season.

 

#28 Dave Eickhoff - Grey Hair - Don't Care - (Previous Rank #26)

Last Week:  Lost to Wolfpack 32-23

 

We can't figure out Grey Hair - Don't Care.  They have stretches where they look dominant (remember winter session?) and stretches where they can't seem to score a point (remember the second half of last Fall?).  Eickhoff likes to keep us guessing, apparently.  With a loss to the previously 1-5 Wolfpack, it doesn't look like GHDC is gearing up a deep playoff run this session.  They need to go back to the drawing board and bring back HK43 (or whatever they're up to these days) to turn this slide around.

 

#29 Nick Hawes - Spinelli's Plumbing - (Previous Rank #31)

Last Week:  Beat Victorious Secret 58-24

 

For the first time this season, we get to show a pure D6 quarterback in our Power Rankings.  Spinelli's Plumbing is the third best offense in the entire TSL (41.9 PPG) and Nick Hawes has the team looking like real contenders as the playoffs draw closer.  How does one describe Spinelli's QB1?  We'll let their team do that for us: "Nick has had little to no prior experience with football as he realized at a young age that he didn’t have the rugged toughness and agility to be of any use on the pee-wee football field. It wasn’t until his mid-twenties where he really honed his skills with several adult-league sports. Through the support of his bangin’ girlfriend, his other low level athletic friends, and a wicked work out regimen, Nick has become quite an asset to Spinellis. To ensure talent on the field, Nick maintains an 18-hour sleep schedule and a weekly diet of protein shakes, intermittent fasting, and Taco Bell. His arm strength and accuracy is accredited to his prior career as a collegiate baseball player. Nick continues to grow in talent and we expect nothing but good things from him for the rest of the season."  They had us at "18 hour sleep schedule".  Great season so far Nick, and don't let that bangin' girlfriend distract you on the road to playoff glory!

 

#30 Mark Harzynski - Tater Tots - (Previous Rank #32)

Last Week:  Beat Juiced 44-12

 

And here's your OTHER contender for the D6 championship, the only other team we can realistically see taking home the title this season.  Mark Harzynski has led Tater Tots to the best record in the division (tied with Spinelli's Plumbing of course) after taking over from Dylan Jaloza as the team's starting QB this session.  Mark has only gotten better throughout the season, and his understanding of the passing game / defenses has continued to improve week to week.  Does it help that Tater Tots has the #2 defense in the entire League?  Absolutely, but these guys are no slouches on O either, as Mark has led the Tots to the 11th best offense in the League as well.  In looking up that stat, we just noticed that the top two defenses in the League are the two teams that Dylan Jaloza plays on.  Is that a coincidence, or is he some kind of secret defensive guru?

 

--

 

And there's your Top Thirty Quarterbacks in the League this week!  NOT featured above you'll notice is Steve Moser (formerly #25) who threw a temper tantrum after getting blanked by Freeballers and then proceeded to complain to League officials that they don't know what they're doing... and how losing his team would somehow be "bad P.R. for the League" if we don't get our act together.  Let's all take a second to collectively laugh at that notion.  Steve: you were losing 51-0 EARLY in that game, the refs did not cost you a thing.  You should really take a step backwards and evaluate your life decisions: you might just be too angry a person for bar league football.  Our sincere recommendation to you: apologize to everyone you yelled at last week, and hope that the League still wants YOU next season, because believe us, the TSL will be just fine if you decide not to come back and scream at our officials, refs, other teams, and frankly your own teammates.  That kind of behavior doesn't deserve a spot in our Power Rankings, and it's not welcome in our great League, period. End of rant.  Rameer would have done it better, we know.  

 

 

***

 

Division All-Star Teams

 

So let's try something different!  Every winter (in non-COVID times) the TSL throws the most ridiculous banquet and names MVP nominees to recognize the best in each division.  This will be similar, but we are NOT trying to replicate those awards right now.  Instead we thought it would be fun to build an All-Star team for each division as a way to recognize more of the Non-QBs in this League.

 

A few ground rules first:

• We're going to borrow the Major League Baseball rule that each division All-Star Team must have at least one player from each team.  So no, your D3 All-Star team cannot be "every guy on Top Shot and every girl on the Angels".
• No TSL teams will get three players on their own division's All-Star team, although many will get two; the goal is to spread this around as much as possible.  
• Each team is going to have 10 players, which will most likely be either 6 men and 4 women or 7 men and 3 women (D6 may have more women than that just because of their three gender teams).
• If a player plays in more than one division, he or she is eligible to be on either division's All-Star Team, but as soon as they make their highest division's team, they become ineligible for the lower division they play in.  In other words, if Sean Weisensal is named to the D1 All-Star team, he immediately becomes ineligible for D4.
• Each player is only eligible for their division's All-Star team for the position they play in that specific division.  So Coach Jay and Dave Baker are eligible for the D5 All-Star team (provided they don't ALSO make a higher division's team, per the rule above!) but they are ONLY eligible as quarterbacks, since that's the position they play in THAT division.  No adding them to play other positions in D5.
• People that are "on rosters" but haven't played this session, or people that are currently injured, are ineligible for consideration.  Maggie Lamantia, Derek Bloomfield, Ryan Baroudi, Matty Ice... great players, all ineligible. 

 

The "at least one person per team" rule makes it interesting in divisions with 10 teams, because we CAN'T select more than one player from the same team.  Think about D2 for a moment: want Jordan on your team?  Then you can't have Chris Nelson.  Want Coach Jay?  Then you can't have Taylor Pagano.  Now you see our challenge: this format forces us to make tough choices, so we might not end up with the highest ranked QB in each division on their All-Star team (see D1 below), because we just HAD to pick another player from their team instead.  In a sense, you're competing against your OWN teammates more than you're competing against your peers on other teams.

 

There are no right or wrong answers to any of this, but we figured we'd give it a shot anyway.  Apologies if your name is spelled incorrectly here; we've written it however it appears on your official team roster, which is probably riddled with errors.

 

Here are the "TSL All-Star Teams" by Division:

 

 

Don't like it?  Think you can do better?  Send us a BETTER combination of players from any Division (using the same rules we did) at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.... we will be happy to debate why you're wrong.

 

**

 

Final Observations

 

• There were three undefeated teams last week... and not one of them lost this week.  Your three remaining undefeated juggernauts are: TopShot (D3), Cunning Stunts (D4), and Zack Attack (D5).  There are no undefeated teams remaining in D1, D2 or D6.
• There were three winless teams last week... and not one of them won last week.  Your three remaining winless teams are: Why So Serious? (D1), University Wealth Management (D5), and Juiced (D6).  There are no winless teams remaining in D2, D3 or D4.
• The longest winning streak in the League belongs to Zack Attack at 7 games in a row.
• The longest losing streak in the League belongs to Why So Serious (8 games, dating back to last Fall) if we stick purely with teams that haven't changed names.  If we recognize University Wealth Management from this session as Intentional Pounding from last session (it's the same people...) then the longest losing streak in the League belongs to them (15 games, dating back to last Fall).
• There have been 6 shutouts so far this season, including Public Enemy over Sticky Bandits (33-0), Freeballers over Woodpeckers (30-0), Tater Tots over Lenny's Ladies (52-0), Cobblestone over Woodpeckers (30-0), Freeballers over Itches and Ohs (51-0*) and Zack Attack over University Wealth Management (38-0) .  This does not include 3 forfeits this season (which are marked as 21-0 scores), including Bambs to Breast Friends, Show me dem TDs to Breast Friends, and Why So Serious to Sticky Bandits.
• Freeballers are the only team with two "legitimate" shutout wins (Breast Friends somehow has two forfeit wins), and Woodpeckers are the only team with two shutout losses.  The Sticky Bandits have a true shutout loss, and a forfeit shutout win.   

 

 

And that's it for this week!  As always, if you have any thoughts on why you hate this article (your team’s QB should be ranked higher?  you HATED our choices on the Division All-Stars?  you're angry that Topper took last week off and you'd like to file a formal complaint about his QB Ranking?) please send an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..   Seriously, we can do this BETTER if you TELL us about your team!

 

What’s YOUR ranking?

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