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Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, what an amazing and exciting Week 1 we had here in the TSL! It was a Week 1 for the ages, featuring some amazing twists and turns we absolutely didn’t expect. In fact, after just one week of TSL action, we can truly see just how much fun and unpredictable this season is going to be. Here are some early season truths that came out of Week 1: 

 

-This is now the latest point in any season that the Freeballers are at least tied for first in D1, proving Buddy Lee really can do anything

-Brent McKenzie is tied for the lead in touchdowns this season not only in D6, but in the ENTIRE TSL!

-Not a single person fell into the pit

-B’s Brother (Yes, THAT B’s Brother) is tied for the league lead in sacks

-Joey Batts didn’t throw a single wobbly pass

-I didn’t get a single prediction wrong

-Andrew Kicak is tied for, statistically, the worst player in the league in every single advanced metric. 

-Garbacz didn’t mess up a single call the entire day

Like I said, these are incredible facts that can only point to this being the best season of TSL football to date. 

Okay, fine. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you should be well aware that one of the greatest days on Earth, TSL Opening Day, was rained out. It was about 10:30 my time when I finally texted Jeff Krol to see how the games were going, only to get a quick phone call right away. He explained how there wouldn’t have been enough fields to play on, as some were very unsafe due to standing water, and the fields that were good enough to use would’ve gotten destroyed on Day 1. A decision had to be made, and even though the answer to “What Would Lenny Do?” feels like he’d have said ‘The Show Must Go On’, the more people I talked to all tended to agree (begrudgingly) that this was the right call. 

 

So with this negative, comes a positive: WEEK 1 PART TWO. 

 

That’s right! It’s Friday, you’re finally excited because Jeff got around to posting the most must read article in the history of Social Co-Ed Touch Football, and those butterflies are BACK. And not just the regular butterflies you might get before a game, but the ones you get before a new season starts. It’s already May, but you have a clean slate in front of you. You’re going to get to see all of your friends you haven’t seen in awhile. The smiles and hugs you were pumped for you can once again be pumped for. Of course you didn’t take the extra week to practice plays, throw the ball around more, or do anything that could have remotely helped you and your team as a whole this season, but none of that matters because the thrill of a new season is here again! 

 

But it’s even better! Why? Because this season will ALSO kick off with BREAKFAST CLUB GAMES! Usually, Breakfast Club starts a week later than the regular season in order to make sure that Week 1 goes smoothly, and that the super kool shirts you get for participating in BC come in (We’ve had BC’s in the past where they were delayed for a week and it was super lame.). 

 

Now, you might be reading this and thinking to yourself ‘Oh wise Godfather who is most certainly not a Keller - I’m new to this league/I joined this league in the fall last session (remember, there was no Breakfast Club last fall!): what is Breakfast Club anyway?

 

Breakfast Club is the super fun draft league where you can sign up, and get drafted to a team of fellow TSLers as you race towards Immortality with a roster of teammates that you normally don’t get to play with. Every game is at 9am, you get a cool TSL shirt that you’ll end up wearing a million times until you die, and it really helps you meet new people in the league and make new friends too. It was originally a way to get players a second game during the day, as the founders of this league used to limit you to one team (ladies could be on one Co-ed team and one gender team) per session. Back then, people didn’t jump around rosters nearly as much as you’re used to seeing now. We essentially started the transfer portal era before college football did, those copycats. 

 

Anyway, for a time we had the top male players who signed up for BC be the captains, and then it became quarterbacks for a time, but eventually Topper settled on making the captains all females, and it totally had nothing to do with the fact that he started doing the draft during a limo bus wine tour with the captains. Nope. 

 

However, it was a stroke of genius, as the captains started making bets and really doing some fun things to get their team motivated to win each week. BC is a ton of fun, and we’ve seen some of the best TSLers in league history be a part of it. And to make it even more fun, the TSL BOD shook up the captains a little bit this time around. As usual, Steph is here as arguably the greatest GM in Breakfast Club history. I’m not 100% certain, but it feels like the next two captains: Drunk Meg and Carly, have been captains before. And then we have three brand new captains who have a lot to live up to: Jill, Bridget (yes, the QB one), and Paige are all captaining for the first time, so hopefully they leave their legacy in Breakfast Club history a fun one, complete with bets each week on the games (even something as simple as mimosas for the winning team is a good start, but so is “have to wear the Elmo costume and park cars for an hour”). 

 

If that sounds like fun to you, you should’ve signed up when Jeff asked 47 times from February-April. 

 

Breakfast Club really puts the “Social” in Social Co-ed Touch Football. It’s definitely worth trying once. Maybe twice. You’ll just have to wait until the next draft. 

And now, the reason you’re all here and you skimmed through everything I’ve said so far: the predictions. Let’s get on with it. 

 

(As always, the following odds and spreads are brought to you by the Topper Super Computer AI Network.Yes, it’s probably spying on you right now.)

D1

 

LAST WEEK’S GAMES

 

Freeballers 21, Sticky Bandits 0 (Forfeit, according to Facebook)

 

All other games postponed

 

THIS WEEK’S GAMES:

 

EYES DOWNTOWN VS LEGENDS (-4) - Things I know: Eyes Downtown practiced and planned all offseason in an effort to win the D1 championship. Things I’m pretty sure of: Legends didn’t think about football for most of the offseason if at all. Things I think: LEGENDS BY 8

 

EYES DOWNTOWN VS STICKY BANDITS (-3) - One thing’s for sure, this game would’ve been a little better with a game last week under their belt. Sticky has to incorporate some new pieces still, ED shouldn’t have to worry about that. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 6

 

THE MALONES VS WHAT A DUMP (-6) - The Malones COULD be the most fun story of the season if they can compete at the D1 level. They already have the D1 blueprint - loud, yell at each other, yell at the other team, yell at the refs, and be pretty damn good at football. They just have to put it together. What A Dump came on during last season, and there’s no reason to think they didn’t get closer to the top. WHAT A DUMP BY 1

 

FREEBALLERS VS MAVERICKS (-6) - Two teams that have a lot to prove here. Freeballers have been waiting to finally find the right QB to lead them to the promised land of two wins in a season, and they thought they had one in the guy that’ll be suiting up across from them for the Mavs in Jordan. But he had to go win D2 back to back and move up into D1. The Mavs had some good moments a season ago, now it’s time to put things together. MAVERICKS BY 4

D2

 

LAST WEEK’S GAMES

 

Postponed. 

 

THIS WEEK’S GAMES: 

 

BUFFALO VICE VS D-GENERATION XYZ (-6) - The D3 champions who moved up to D2, and the D3 team that just said screw it and moved up anyway. Should be quite the battle as both teams look to find their footing in D2. D-GENERATION XYZ BY 3

 

CAN’T TOUCH THIS VS JABRONIES (-2) - This feels like a hell of a game is on the way here. Both teams were quite good last season, and the Jabronies really came on strong at the end of the season. I’m not entirely sure who will win, but I’d bet the over. JABRONIES BY 3

 

FRODO SWAGGINS VS JABRONIES (-3) - Interesting that the Super Computer AI thinks the Jabronies should be favored over Frodo in this one, but it’ll be a close game regardless. I think Frodo gets lucky with the Jabronies already having played a game, and what will probably be a tough one at that. FRODO SWAGGINS BY 2

D3

 

LAST WEEK’S GAMES

 

Postponed. 

 

THIS WEEK’S GAMES: 

 

BULLET CLUB VS ISH (EVEN) - Last year, when ISH was ILF, these teams played some great games against one another. Even if some of the names have changed, the core remains the same, and I think we’re going to see another battle here that comes down to the end. ISH BY 2

 

BULLET CLUB VS LET’S GET RECCKED (-5) - While I’m not sure what version of LGR we’re going to get, it may work out for them regardless getting a BC team that already played once in the day. LET’S GET RECCKED BY 3

 

CUNNING STUNTS VS WANDERERS (-4) - While this matchup usually results in an easy “Game of the Day” hype decision, the biggest question is on what this altered version of the Wanderers can do. The Stunts, however, are still superstars. CUNNING STUNTS BY 8

 

TWO TUDDIES VS WANDERERS (-3) - The Two Tuddies continue their climb up the TSL’s Divisions even without winning championships, as they thirst for greater competition. Or more than likely (as is often the case with this) it’s a way to appease the good players who want to play tougher competition. Well, they get it off the bat. Already having played a game probably helps the Wanderers here. WANDERERS BY 4

 

BQI vs PRACTICE SQUAD (-2) - Bridget begins her D3 QB career taking on the only other QB she can match in arm strength in B. Yes, that entire line was simply to mess with B, and I know it worked. Anyway, BQI made a hell of a jump, and even if the roster is a bit better, it remains to be seen how far the QB can take them. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 7

D4

 

LAST WEEK’S GAMES

 

Postponed. 

 

THIS WEEK’S GAMES: 

 

FLYING BALLS VS TATER TOTS (-4) – One of the worst things about last week’s rainout was that it made us wait one more week before the return of the Tots. Again, it never seems to matter that they take the Fall Session off. The Flying Balls took the league by storm last session, they jumped up two divisions, and there is zero reason to think they can’t win D4. This will be a good one. FLYING BALLS BY 8

 

COBBLESTONE VS COOCHIE MONSTERS (-5) - Our first look at the Coochies as they get the old gunslinger to start their existence here in the TSL. However, just by looking at the roster, it seems like they’ve been around a time or two here. COOCHIE MONSTERS BY 8

 

NOT SO STICKY VS PUCKETT (-2) - Puckett remains one of our oldest franchises at this point, it feels like they’ve been around forever. They’re always consistently good, and a threat for the championship. NSS tends to struggle on offense, especially early on in a season, as they work in new players, and that won’t help them here. PUCKETT BY 10

 

BALLS DEEP VS POWERPUFF GIRLS (-7) - Balls Deep sure have come a long way from where they were when they first started, and they just keep getting better. It’s never, ever easy to play the PPGs, (half of the team is on the IR, so we aren’t quite sure what we’re going to get from them this season) but this is the right time to make a statement regardless. BALLS DEEP BY 14

 

SHOW ME YOUR TDS VS MIKE’S DETAILING (-6) - SMYTDs (Not THAT one) is a newer team that we don’t quite know what we’re going to get yet. Mike’s Detailing has been on the cusp of TSL glory for a little bit now, will this be the season they put it all together? Maybe. MIKE’S DETAILING BY 8

D5

 

LAST WEEK’S GAMES

 

Postponed. 

 

THIS WEEK’S GAMES: 

 

BIRDS OF WAR VS PIT HARADE (-3) - Pit Harade finished last session pretty strong after a slow start, and they’ll be looking to continue that momentum against the brand new Birds of War team that didn’t lose either game in their doubleheader from last week! They could be very good, they could struggle early as they adjust to the TSL game, we just don’t know yet. PIT HARADE BY 1

 

MO’ CHICKEN VS BLITZKRIEG (-9) - Spring Blitzkrieg (doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as Fall BK) should be D5 favorites, and they shouldn’t have an issue with MO in this one. BLITZKRIEG BY 18

 

SBG VS WET BANDITS (-8) - Two teams we really don’t know a whole lot about getting to face off, and it’s amazing that one team is favored by 8 over the other here. I don’t make the rules, but I WILL be keeping an eye on this game. The D5 Champions of the future could very well be playing in it. WET BANDITS BY 2

 

716ERS VS SAUSAGE MCMUFFINS (-4) - Some of the best jerseys in the TSL take the field yet again as the McMuffins get to play the brand new 716ers. It’ll be fun to see how the new team stacks up against the savvy old vets, but I’m confident Alex will have SMM ready to go. SAUSAGE MCMUFFINS BY 8

 

BLUE BALLERS VS COME FROM BEHIND (-3) - The Blue Ballers LOVE to score points but CFB is very good at preventing that while scoring a bit on their own. Not sure who is going to blink first here, but it’s a very good test for both teams. BLUE BALLERS BY 3

D6

 

LAST WEEK’S GAMES

 

Postponed. 

 

THIS WEEK’S GAMES: 

 

INTENTIONAL CLOWNING VS TMA (-3) - TMA and TSL TD Co-Leader Brent McKenzie come into Clown Town to put up a dub against IC. The only real consistent thing we’ve seen from IC right now is their team name (they used to change it every season, trust me this is funny), so I’m interested to see what version of them we’re going to get this season. TMA BY 8

 

STICKY LACES VS IRISH GIANTS (-4) - The Irish Giants really came on strong to end last season, even if it ended in disappointment. I want to believe they’ll be keeping that momentum going into the Spring here. Sticky Laces have consistently been up and down, with the latter being what we see more often. IRISH GIANTS BY 9

GF VS GPT 

 

Well, that rainout really ruined this bit for this week. Not surprisingly:

The Godfather: 0-0
Topper’s Super Computer: 0-0

 

Here are the Week 2 picks from our future overlords: 

 

Eyes Downtown vs Legends (-4) — LEGENDS BY 6
Eyes Downtown vs Sticky Bandits (-3) — STICKY BANDITS BY 4
The Malones vs What a Dump (-6) — WHAT A DUMP BY 3
Freeballers vs Mavericks (-6) — MAVERICKS BY 8

Buffalo Vice vs D-Generation XYZ (-6) — D-GENERATION XYZ BY 7
Can’t Touch This vs Jabronies (-2) — JABRONIES BY 3
Frodo Swaggins vs Jabronies (-3) — FRODO SWAGGINS BY 5

Bullet Club vs ISH (EVEN) — BULLET CLUB BY 3
Bullet Club vs Let’s Get Reccked (-5) — BULLET CLUB BY 9
Cunning Stunts vs Wanderers (-4) — CUNNING STUNTS BY 6
Two Tuddies vs Wanderers (-3) — TWO TUDDIES BY 5
BQI vs Practice Squad (-2) — PRACTICE SQUAD BY 2

Flying Balls vs Tater Tots (-4) — TATER TOTS BY 3
Cobblestone vs Coochie Monsters (-5) — COOCHIE MONSTERS BY 6
Not So Sticky vs Puckett (-2) — PUCKETT BY 4
Balls Deep vs PowerPuff Girls (-7) — BALLS DEEP BY 10
Show Me Your TDs vs Mike’s Detailing (-6) — MIKE’S DETAILING BY 7

Birds of War vs Pit Harade (-3) — BIRDS OF WAR BY 5
Mo’ Chicken vs Blitzkrieg (-9) — BLITZKRIEG BY 13
SBG vs Wet Bandits (-8) — SBG BY 9
716ers vs Sausage McMuffins (-4) — SAUSAGE MCMUFFINS BY 3
Blue Ballers vs Come From Behind (-3) — BLUE BALLERS BY 6

Intentional Clowning vs TMA (-3) — TMA BY 5
Sticky Laces vs Irish Giants (-4) — IRISH GIANTS BY 6

GAME LINES AND OVER/UNDERS

 

Eyes Downtown vs Legends
Spread: Legends -4
Moneyline: Legends -180 / Eyes Downtown +150
Over/Under: 61.5

Eyes Downtown vs Sticky Bandits
Spread: Sticky Bandits -3
Moneyline: Sticky Bandits -160 / Eyes Downtown +135
Over/Under: 60.5

The Malones vs What a Dump
Spread: What a Dump -6
Moneyline: What a Dump -240 / The Malones +190
Over/Under: 58.5

Freeballers vs Mavericks
Spread: Mavericks -6
Moneyline: Mavericks -240 / Freeballers +190
Over/Under: 57.5

Buffalo Vice vs D-Generation XYZ
Spread: D-Generation XYZ -6
Moneyline: D-Generation XYZ -240 / Buffalo Vice +190
Over/Under: 55.5

Can’t Touch This vs Jabronies
Spread: Jabronies -2
Moneyline: Jabronies -130 / Can’t Touch This +110
Over/Under: 54.5

Frodo Swaggins vs Jabronies
Spread: Jabronies -3
Moneyline: Jabronies -150 / Frodo Swaggins +125
Over/Under: 56.5

Bullet Club vs ISH
Spread: EVEN
Moneyline: Bullet Club -110 / ISH -110
Over/Under: 53.5

Bullet Club vs Let’s Get Reccked
Spread: Let’s Get Reccked -5
Moneyline: Let’s Get Reccked -210 / Bullet Club +170
Over/Under: 55.5

Cunning Stunts vs Wanderers
Spread: Wanderers -4
Moneyline: Wanderers -180 / Cunning Stunts +150
Over/Under: 52.5

Two Tuddies vs Wanderers
Spread: Wanderers -3
Moneyline: Wanderers -150 / Two Tuddies +125
Over/Under: 53.5

BQI vs Practice Squad
Spread: Practice Squad -2
Moneyline: Practice Squad -130 / BQI +110
Over/Under: 52.5

Flying Balls vs Tater Tots
Spread: Tater Tots -4
Moneyline: Tater Tots -180 / Flying Balls +150
Over/Under: 58.5

Cobblestone vs Coochie Monsters
Spread: Coochie Monsters -5
Moneyline: Coochie Monsters -210 / Cobblestone +170
Over/Under: 57.5

Not So Sticky vs Puckett
Spread: Puckett -2
Moneyline: Puckett -130 / Not So Sticky +110
Over/Under: 59.5

Balls Deep vs PowerPuff Girls
Spread: PowerPuff Girls -7
Moneyline: PowerPuff Girls -300 / Balls Deep +225
Over/Under: 61.5

Show Me Your TDs vs Mike’s Detailing
Spread: Mike’s Detailing -6
Moneyline: Mike’s Detailing -240 / Show Me Your TDs +190
Over/Under: 58.5

Birds of War vs Pit Harade
Spread: Pit Harade -3
Moneyline: Pit Harade -150 / Birds of War +125
Over/Under: 57.5

Mo’ Chicken vs Blitzkrieg
Spread: Blitzkrieg -9
Moneyline: Blitzkrieg -375 / Mo’ Chicken +260
Over/Under: 60.5

SBG vs Wet Bandits
Spread: Wet Bandits -8
Moneyline: Wet Bandits -320 / SBG +240
Over/Under: 56.5

716ers vs Sausage McMuffins
Spread: Sausage McMuffins -4
Moneyline: Sausage McMuffins -180 / 716ers +150
Over/Under: 54.5

Blue Ballers vs Come From Behind
Spread: Come From Behind -3
Moneyline: Come From Behind -150 / Blue Ballers +125
Over/Under: 59.5

Intentional Clowning vs TMA
Spread: TMA -3
Moneyline: TMA -150 / Intentional Clowning +125
Over/Under: 50.5

Sticky Laces vs Irish Giants
Spread: Irish Giants -4
Moneyline: Irish Giants -180 / Sticky Laces +150
Over/Under: 49.5

 

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY

- WILL THE GAMES THAT WERE RAINED OUT BE MADE UP? - Easily the biggest thing I was emailed about this week were people’s concerns (understandably) about when or if the games will be made up. And honestly, the league isn’t sure yet. A lot will depend on the availability of the 5th field each week and what teams will be able to play. Maybe we play some special Thursday night games or something. Stay tuned on that. 

- WHY NOT JUST MOVE EVERYTHING BACK A WEEK THEN? In a perfect world, this would be the move, however for those who mentioned this but didn’t actually check the calendar: The Saturday after the scheduled Championship Week is the 4th of July. Clearly we aren’t playing on the holiday, and even if we did many, many teams would end up having players missing, and it wouldn’t be an accurate representation of who the actual champions are. Nobody wants to see Immortality Achieved by a team who simply got lucky that they had the least amount of teammates that couldn’t make it. 

- THEN WHY START THE SEASON SO LATE? The season started earlier in the past, yes. But Topper wisely moved the start date back because all too often the first two weeks of the Spring session were freezing and nobody wanted to play in that. We’ve had Breakfast Club start off Week 2s in the past at 9am in the snow. Starting when we do now maximizes the May/June Saturdays which is much more preferable overall. 

- OKAY FINE THEN WHY NOT JUST MOVE IT BACK A WEEK AND MAKE JULY 4TH A BYE WEEK AND PLAY AFTER THAT? Because any league that would even consider that is a joke. The two week stretch of playing the playoffs is a grueling, anything can happen test that determines true champions. Giving two weeks between playoff games is just weak, ruins any momentum teams might have earned, and that gets us right smack dab into vacation season for a lot of people, which brings us right back to not rewarding teams with championships simply because they had less people on vacation.  

- ALL OF THIS MAKES SENSE, OKAY. BUT DOES HAVING A CONSISTENT FIFTH FIELD MEAN WE CAN MOVE OUR GAMES UP AND NOT HAVE TO PLAY AT 3? In a word, no. That would mean having to get two more referees on that field, AND getting your opponents to agree to moving the game time, AND needing to get a time that works where someone isn’t playing/reffing at that time already, AND needing Jeff Krol to approve it because it’d be a headache for him, AND you can’t ask about making up the Week 1 games and then try to take away the means for doing so, AND if the plan to rotate which four fields are used throughout the season in an effort to reduce wear and tear on them comes to fruition, this goes against that (so does the makeup games, sure). The point is, don’t be difficult. 

 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY

 

• Breakfast Club Predictions:

• Megoonsta’s 32, Fittsmagic 20

• Water Under The Bridget 34, On A Rampaige 30

• Steph Infection 37, Total CARnage 36

 

 

 

• Breakfast Club Championship Prediction: Steph Infection over Megoonsta’s. 

 

 

 

• It’s going to be 65 degrees on Saturday. However, that’s here in Des Moines. In Buffalo, you’re looking at just under 50 degrees, but at least it’s not raining? 

 

 

 

• REMEMBER THAT PARKING IS GOING TO BE LESS THAN GREAT SO SHOW UP EARLIER THAN YOU USUALLY WOULD FOR YOUR GAMES. THE REFS WILL NOT WAIT TO START GAMES JUST BECAUSE YOUR QB HAD TO PARK FAR AWAY BECAUSE THEY “DIDN’T KNOW”. 

 

 

 

• Yes, you CAN email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. I appreciate anything you want to say, comment on, teammate hype ups, whatever you’ve got. 

 

 

 

• If you’re not sure what color your opponent is wearing, have everyone bring a second color shirt just to be safe that you’re not scrambling to find something to change into when you’re both wearing black. It’s the little things. 

 

 

 

• Things will more than likely be muddy, messy, and annoying as this will essentially be the league’s “test run” to see how things flow with all of the construction of the TopperDome going on. Even with the excitement of the return of TSL football in your hearts, tensions will still be a little higher than normal. Don’t take it out on others: Be it opponents, referees, or especially at the bar. 

 

 

 

• GAMES OF THE DAY: 

• 10:00 - Eyes Downtown vs Legends

• 11:00 - Flying Balls vs Tater Tots

• 12:00 - Can’t Touch This vs Jabronies

• 1:00 - The Malones vs What A Dump

• 2:00 - Blue Ballers vs Come From Behind

• 3:00 - BQI vs Practice Squad

 

 

 

• MAKE SURE YOU HAVE YOUR WAIVER SIGNED OR YOU CAN’T PLAY: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1NqaQgYi1a2Sr-vlV_Nab-G7gIJhM3fE0O_xWzK0s5P0/edit Just click the link and fill it out fast. It takes 10 seconds. 

 

 

 

• It might have taken an extra week, but the Race for Social Co-Ed Immortality FINALLY begins! This is everything you’ve been waiting for and then some. When your moment arrives, will you be ready to capture it? Or just let it slip? 

 

 

-GF OUT

 

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