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Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe,

 

Is there truly anything better than a Saturday at the Rose Garden, playing TSL football?

 

According to everyone I spoke to about Week 1: Nope.

 

The TSL2020 season made it’s debut last Saturday amid multiple new guidelines being installed. Topper himself was worried about how the league would react to the new rules, which is understandable. The end result? Looks like we passed with flying colors, and that’s because of YOU, the TSL Universe.

 

The TSL did what it always does, and we banded together. There were next to no issues about checking in before your game, wearing a mask to the fields, entering and exiting at different points of the play area, etc. You all did a wonderful job, which should’ve been expected. Everyone just wanted to play football, and that’s what we got!

 

Reports from the fields say we didn’t miss a beat. The games were exciting as hell. We saw some fantastic finishes, some blow outs, some old faces, some new faces. It was just good to be on the fields again, even if there’s only four of them. And it seems like the TSL universe agreed.

 

I’d like to give a rousing thank you from Topper, the TSL ‘Board of Directors’, the referees, and even the Rose Garden for everyone working together to make this work.

 

So, while it seems like we did a great job of what we needed to do to get on the fields, what exactly happened ON them?

 

We’re also going to welcome back predictions, complete with the lines made by the QB Power Rankings committee. It’s a lot more fun for me this way, for sure. Let’s get to it.

 

D1:

 

Last Week’s Scores:

Public Enemy 38, Why So Serious 20

 

Yep, that was it. We had one D1 game this week, and it pits the defending champions against D1’s newest team, Why So Serious? Pete’s new team is chock full of names you’ve heard before, but to essentially be given the TSL’s version of Trial by Fire isn’t the greatest way to start it all out. Public Enemy just did what they always do. They show up, they play their game, and they run away with the victory. This game was maybe a little closer than it looked in the final score, but its damn near impossible to play your first game as a team against Chris Cole and come out on top.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Public Enemy vs Eyes Downtown (+4) – OH ITS ON! Maybe. The marquee matchup of the TSL season comes a bit early this season, as Public Enemy and Eyes Downtown clash for the 100^th time in history. No, that’s not an accurate number. While PE has the advantage of having played a game already, Eyes Downtown does not. Bobby McConnell took over the QB duties for The Angels, so he has some playing time under his belt. I’ve heard there’s a bit of roster turnover for ED which could lead to them not being as sharp as expected in their first game of the season. PUBLIC ENEMY BY 7

 

Eyes Downtown vs Why So Serious (+14) – The same reasoning for the above game doesn’t quite apply here. One team might be shaking off the rust with a few newer pieces as opposed to a team building an identity in the first place. I’m not expecting any sort of bloodbath here, I definitely think that ED is going to win though. But I bet they don’t cover the spread. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 13

 

Tight Ends In Motion vs Gryffindor (+11) – According to TEIM’s roster, they’ve lost Katie Salisbury but gained Margo Pagano and Maggie LaMantia. That’s an insane amount of speed to add each week. Gryffindor has only, to my knowledge, added Travis Cleavenger. He’s a good player but I’m not sure he takes that team to a new level in D1. Of course, Joey Batts could’ve revamped his roster completely for all I know, and maybe this is a better team than I think. But for now, I’ll go with TEIM as they continue to try their best to break into the upper echelon of D1. TEIM BY 16

 

D2:

 

Last Week’s Scores:

Bullet Club 33, Peachy Platoon 27

Slytherin That End Zone 33, Jabronies 22

Morning Wood 31, HOFBRAUHAUS BUFFALO 20

Sticky Bandits 36, Dilfs 28

 

Bullet Club started off the TSL season with the first walk off win of the season at 10:00. After former QB Jeff Easton was pressed into duty until Ricky got there, he ended up scoring a TD on his only drive. Things would open up in the 2^nd half, and with Peachy scoring late to take the lead, Ricky hit Todd Halas in the endzone for a shocking walk off win. SITE came out firing on all cylinders to welcome the Jabronies to D2. The good news for the Jabronies is that they don’t look nearly as out of place as I thought they would in the division, even if some would argue losing by 11 to a team with Gary on it is a horrible result. Speaking of put up or shut up, the lovely, friendly rivalry between Topper and Mo Saleh was immediately put on the field in Week 1. And Mo, along with the rest of Morning Wood, walked away with a hard fought victory over Topper and Co. MW looked impressive in Week 1, it’ll be interesting to see if they can keep it up over the course of a season. HOFBRAUHAUS will rebound for sure. In the day’s final game, Sticky Bandits won their D2 debut against the defending champion Dilfs. It’s hard to really get a read on this game however, since I had heard the Dilf’s were missing quite a few players. Either way, Sticky takes the champion vs champion battle to start the season off right.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Peachy Platoon vs Slytherin That End Zone (+2) – Basically a toss up. SITE is very much out to prove they should be the top contender in D2. Peachy Platoon is exactly that. It’s hard to dock PP for too many points here, considering it took a Hail Mary catch for them to be 0-1. These two teams have had some very impressive battles in recent seasons, and I expect this to be no different. I was going to pick SITE to win this one, but then I realized I couldn’t fathom PP being 0-2 to start the season. Besides, SITE does better when I put a chip on their shoulder. PEACHY PLATOON BY 4

 

Dilf’s vs Jabronies (+3) – Apparently the D2 champions can’t get any respect. Just 3 point favorites against a team that was a middle of the road D3 squad last we saw them. I’m aware Dilf’s lost when they were shorthanded last week, but I can’t imagine that happening again. The Jabronies are going to keep getting better, for the record. I don’t think Joe Miano has come close to reaching his ceiling as a QB just yet, and as he improves, so will the team. This one will go to the Dilf’s, but if they meet again in the playoffs, I may not be so sure. DILFS BY 8

 

Peachy Platoon vs Dilf’s (+10) – The disrespect tour continues. The last time these two teams met were in the playoffs, when Peachy was all but awarded the D2 championship by most of the TSL Media. However, the Dilf’s won that game, and they improved their roster, whereas Peachy may have regressed a bit. This game is going to be a pretty good one, provided everyone shows up, and may even be a D2 final preview. I’m going to take Peachy in this one, as I’m sure all of 47 Thompsons on the team haven’t forgotten about last season’s playoff upset. PEACHY PLATOON BY 6

 

Morning Wood vs Bullet Club (+7) – Two 1-0 teams meet in an early season matchup to see who will be leading the division after two weeks. (Okay, other teams can tie them, just let me hype this.) Anyway, I would’ve personally made this line “even” as well, but the TSLQBPRC sees this game as very skewed towards MW. Fresh off their 11 point win against Topper, Mo and Dave (and the rest of MW that I don’t know) look to take down another league mainstay in BC. Bullet Club’s additions performed quite well last week, as Glenn Bird, Jay German, and newcomer “Shawn” helped BC overcome Peachy. Controversy creates cash, so one has to wonder how long Joe K and Gordon will wait to pull QB Ricky Austin if “Bad Ricky” comes out to play in favor of former QB Jeff Easton. When the smoke clears, I think it’s smart to take Bullet Club and the points here. Morning Wood needs to show me more. BULLET CLUB BY 3

 

 

D3:

 

Last Week’s Scores:

 

Scared Hitless 28, The Untouchaballs 27

Frodo Swaggins 40, The Untouchaballs 26

Grey Hair Don’t Care 36, En Fuego 33

All We Do Is Quinn 30, Buffalo Solar Solutions 14 (D3/D4 Crossover Game)

 

The Untouchaballs had a week to forget, starting off the season 0-2 with a thrilling one point loss to Scared Hitless and then getting rolled on by Scotty, Garrett and the boys. Frodo didn’t have any subs but still proceeded to show why they should win D3 this season with an impressive effort. Garrett emailed me personally to let me know to shout out Mike Costa in this game, describing him as “an average player that’s coming along”. Jokes aside, Costa had a long TD and an interception, so good work. I glossed over Scared Hitless’ one point win, but im sure Brandon Farr was smiling as his decision to leave End Game for greener pastures looks to be a good one. But not to be out done, the other half of the End Game divorce spotted Blasé LaDuca and En Fuego all 33 points before coming back and beating them. Okay, I don’t think it was 33-0 at one point, but let’s pretend it was. All I know is that En Fuego absolutely blew this one, according to many reports. Finally, AWDIQ won their crossover game against BSS, which isn’t the most surprising thing in the world. They’re still very talented, even if rumor has it that this their final rodeo.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

The Untouchaballs vs Vaspian (-5) – The good people from Vaspian come back into our TSL hearts and minds this week, ready to roll. They find themselves up against an Untouchaballs team that looks a lot like Vaspian did when they started in the TSL: perhaps a little overmatched as they figure it out, but full of good people who can improve. The future is bright for both of these squads, but give me the experience here. VASPIAN BY 6

 

Vaspian vs Frodo Swaggins (-8) – Vaspian goes from a new team figuring it all out to the D3 favorites just like that. Vaspian has seen Frodo before, but both teams have been improving in the offseason. In this case, it’s really coming down to QB, and there might be nobody better than Scotty right now (save for a few people in D1, not Joey Batts though). I’m not sure who is throwing for Vaspian as I had heard there was going to be an offseason change, but with the end of the world, and Kevin not emailing me, I have no idea how that went down. FRODO SWAGGINS BY 10

 

Grey Hair Don’t Care vs All We Do Is Quinn (-4) – Grey Hair Don’t Care won the game of the day last week with their huge comeback over En Fuego. However, AWDIQ is a much better team, and GHDC can not afford to fall behind in this one. This game will be a better litmus test for GHDC to see if they’re legit. Quinn has always been on the edge of glory in D3, and this might be the season they win it all. ALL WE DO IS QUINN BY 7

 

Scared Hitless vs Frodo Swaggins (-10) – It’s hard for me to pick Frodo giving 10, because I know that Garrett Beesing won’t be there this week as he ponders life in the woods. Hitless is a new team in name only, and they have players that have been around for quite some time. This won’t be a walk in the park for Frodo. FRODO SWAGGINS BY 3

 

En Fuego vs All We Do Is Quinn (-5) – AWDIQ played D4 competition last week and they’re doing it again against En Fuego. This isn’t a crossover game though. En Fuego imploded last week, and I don’t think things are going to get better for them in this one. Quinn has the talent to run away with this one a little bit, while En Fuego gets caught thinking about their other game this week. ALL WE DO IS QUINN BY 12

 

D3/D4 Crossover Game:

 

En Fuego vs Overcompensators (+1) – NOW THIS IS A CROSSOVER GAME! There is no love lost between these two teams who just competed for the D5 title last session. This is one of the better grudge matches in the TSL right now, even if they’re in separate divisions. These teams have played in some of the better lower division matchups in recent history and here’s hoping they can do the same. Give me Larry over Blasé any day. OVERCOMPENSATORS BY 1.

 

D4:

 

Last Week’s Scores:

Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers 45, Over Compensators 21

The Angels 38, Freeballers 36

 

D4 only had two games last week, but both were interesting for various reasons. The D5 champs took on URTT and got smoked here. Uncle Rico’s was one of the hottest teams ending last season and it seems like they’ve kept their good mojo going. The Freeballers came into the TSL this season with something to prove, and there’s no better way to make a statement than beating one of the league’s most dominant teams. However, The Angels are great because they find ways to win, and this was no exception. They took the win on what was essentially a walk off safety. That’s a pretty cool way to do it. Props to the Freeballers though, as they stood toe to toe with The Angels the entire day. It’ll be interesting to see if they continue their momentum.

 

This Week’s Game:

 

Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers vs Buffalo Solar Solutions (+16) – If Buffalo Solar is to have their entire team here this week, I’d take the points. Caitlyn Mason is still the best girl you’ve never heard of, and Captain Dan has kept his constantly improving squad together. But, as we said before, Uncle Rico’s is on a long hot streak with their eyes on the D4 title. They’re clicking on all cylinders and unless something goes horribly wrong, expect Jon Senn’s team to make some noise all year. UNCLE RICO’S BY 13

 

D5:

 

Last Week’s Scores:

Mountain Dew Me 53, Intentional Pounding 0

Pteratacos 36, TOX 29

Practice Squad 30, Cobblestone 0

Zack Attack 32, Interdimensional Lightning Falcons 20

 

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES FOR MDM! They absolutely murdered what was left of 3^rd and Schlong without an ounce of remorse. D5 looks to be the perfect place for them as they continue to improve on the field. The Pteratacos were the last team to sign up for the TSL this offseason and I think they’ll be glad they did. After waiting an entire season to get their first win last year, the tacos grabbed it right off the bat from Topper’s other team. TOX put up a good fight, for sure, but there’s a better chance they go undefeated at the bar. And that’s a compliment. Practice Squad showed up with renewed focus this year and it showed as they trounced Cobblestone by 30. This was a game that they needed to just take care of business in if they want the D5 title, and they did just that. Zack Attack showed no issues in moving up from D6, taking care of the ILF, who one person told me “might have been better off starting in D6”. Here’s hoping they prove them wrong.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Zack Attack vs Mountain Dew Me (-10) – This line is just so off. Week 2 lines are always that way though. MDM had a great time in their 53-0 rout, but Zack Attack is much more talented than Intentional Pounding. This is a game I think people should try to watch, if we were allowed to watch games. Zack Attack is going to keep putting themselves on the map, I know it. ZACK ATTACK BY 3

 

Intentional Pounding vs Practice Squad (-21) – Easily the biggest line of the day, and it’s a slap in the face of IP. However, I can’t blame the Committee for this line. It seems so smart to just take 21 points, but Practice Squad is on a mission while IP is just trying to figure things out now. I can’t imagine that the Keller’s would let another beat down happen again so soon. I don’t think they’ll win, but I don’t think PS will cover. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 18

 

Pteratacos vs Interdimensional Lightning Falcons (+2) – I already can not stand typing out ILF’s full name. The Pteratacos showed they’ve got some moxie this season, while ILF is a brand new team to the TSL. I think line is just about right in this scenario, and I think this will be a close game. There’s a clear line in D5 this season, and I feel like these two are on the same side of it. Give me the seasoned vets here. PTERATACOS BY 1

 

TOX vs Cobblestone (-15) – Yes, Darryl’s hair is still magical. It always will be. But his arm might be failing him. Speaking of arms failing them, Topper is the other side of this QB battle. It’s rare to say that the team with Topper on it has the QB advantage, but here we are. There HAS to be a Topper vs Darryl bet, right?? TOX is full of slower players that know what they’re doing, and faster players that are still learning. This game is a lot closer than the line says. TOX BY 4

 

D6:

 

Last Week’s Games:

PC Plumbing 24, Blitzkrieg 24

Graves Bros 34, Tater Tots 28

The Bambs 48, TMA 26

PC Plumbing 23, Lenny’s Ladies 17

Blitzkrieg 33, The BiPolar Express 16

 

Hey, how about Blitzkrieg? I’m not just saying this because Ethan wrote me a scathing email, bitter about the 30-1 odds given to them to win the title either. The metrics had BK as one of the worst teams in the league last season, and in the blink of an eye they’re 1-0-1 and looking good. PC Plumbing is also 1-0-1 as they showed a lot of promise as well, taking out Lenny’s Ladies along the way. Katie Swanson, by all accounts, is a stud. Lenny’s Ladies put up a good showing in their first game in the TSL. Jeff Easton filled in at QB this week and was very good. New jerseys, same results for TMA. The Bambs just ran by them again and again en route to victory. Graves Bros and Tater Tots had a hell of a game. Reports have said that the Tots are looking much improved over last season. You love to see it. Finally, BPX may be favorites to win the D6 title, but it’ll be hard to do if you get outclassed by Blitzkrieg like that, even if they are improved. It’s early though. D6, as always, is a cluster of craziness.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

TMA vs Lenny’s Ladies (-8) – The concern for TMA going into the season was how will their girls perform without Steph (Freeballers) and Drunk Meg (Tater Tots). After one week it seems like those concerns may already be put to rest. Three different people emailed me about how well Diana, Val, and newcomer Lauren played. Val had an especially great game, making a lot of catches, scoring a touchdown, and had constant pressure on the opposing QB including a sack or two. TMA will be just fine there, they just need to figure out that defense. Even so, there’s absolutely zero way they should be 8 point underdogs to a team that’s on their second career game. Lenny’s Ladies played very well against PC Plumbing and if not for an inability to score at the goal line more than once, they could’ve won. Joy Thompson had a pretty great interception for them as well. Either way, TMA should 100% feel slighted by the committee (and not me) because of this line, and it should propel them to victory. TMA by 10

 

Graves Bros vs Blitzkrieg (-1) – How about that for respect Ethan? The line shows Blitzkrieg as favorites for perhaps the first time in their history. They had a heck of a Week 1 and I have to take the time to shout out their rising star females, Alicia and Allie. The TSL’s newest A&A played very well in both games, especially Allie who had 3 touchdowns and 3 sacks in her first week ever in the TSL. That’s a hell of a debut, and if she keeps it up, expect D1-D3 teams to start scouting. Graves Bros held off a much better Tater Tots, and I still feel like they’re going to be a force to reckon with when the D6 smoke clears. I like Blitzkrieg (because I love anyone that emails me to talk smack), but 1-0-1 against PC Plumbing and a depleted BPX doesn’t show me enough just yet. Win this week and we’ll talk. GRAVES BROS BY 9.

 

PC Plumbing vs Tater Tots (+2) – This line feels right to me. This game is going to be close. There’s a lot of good matchups here, but I’m liking what I’m hearing so far about PCP. Yes, they’re PCP now. They have to know what they did there, right? Anyway, I still feel like the Tots should be bringing Tots to every single game (pAssless Chaps still owes them I believe, wherever they are), but either way, it’s good to see them competing. I know they’re getting better with each game, and it seems like the long layoff didn’t hurt Captain Dave’s squad at all. This will be a fun matchup. Drunk Meg vs Katie Swanson should be an excellent matchup as well. PC PLUMBING BY 6.

 

The Bambs vs The BiPolar Express (+10) – If The Bambs are planning to run wild over D6, Gordon’s Gals are going to need to game plan to slow them down. I’m not sure how successful they’ll be, but then again BPX shut The Bambs out 50-0 last season as well. I can’t take much stock in BPX’s loss last week when they didn’t have the full squad, so hopefully we’ll get a clearer picture on if they’re improving or not. The Bambs are going to need to get as many gender scores as they can, but I’m not sure if they have the girls to do just that. THE BIPOLAR EXPRESS BY 2.

 

 

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY

 

1.      Will the long layoff between games dampen the rivalries between Public Enemy and Eyes Downtown or Over Compensators and En Fuego? I really don’t think so. These teams bring out the best in each other and they’re going to be MUST SEE games. Sadly, we can’t have spectators to see games.

 

2.      Who has the most to prove this week? I think Morning Wood is a prime candidate for this, as they’ve largely been an afterthought in the most TSLers minds (Especially Topper’s) for their last few seasons, but they actually boast some talent.

 

 

3.      Which division is going to be the most competitive, top to bottom? I think the closest division this season is going to be D2. At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if just about anyone finished atop the division this season, except maybe the Jabronies.

 

4.      WHERE IS B’S BROTHER? DID HE SURVIVE THE PANDEMIC?

 

 

5.      Who looks to be the best new team after one week? I’ll give credit where it’s due. I like what I’m hearing about both Scared Hitless and Freeballers. This means one of them will undoubtedly lose by 50 in their next game.

 

 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY

 

1.      Are you mad that I didn’t talk enough about your team or that I don’t know anything about them? Seriously, email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. I appreciate the referees and captains that are messaging me on Sunday to update me about the game. I can’t see what happens from Des Moines, and I rely on YOU more than ever to give information. I don’t have Lenny or Rameer anymore to give me the scoop on the games, or the fabricated drama.

 

2.      Great to be able to listen to the TSL podcast this morning at work. If you haven’t heard it, go listen. If you want to be on it find Topper, Joe K, Emily Curry, Jeff Krol, or whoever!

 

3.      I heard about the news from one league going the extra mile to call the health department to ruin our fun for some reason. Allegedly they think if you can’t play Saturdays, you can play for them on Fridays? I don’t understand why that’s the right move for them, but you can be assured that our plan follows the guidelines straight from New York State, and we’re doing everything they asked and then some. Don’t be worried. Topper has assured me.

 

 

4.      Speaking of other leagues, what a shame it was for another league to tell everyone “Game OFF” in an email this week just after the TSL started in what’s being reported by many as an attempt to retain teams for the spring. The messages Topper got from displaced players on Saturday were numerous. He feels bad for you guys, and there *MIGHT* be something he can do about it, but no guarantees just yet. And to the multiple people who came to us already, I’ve been told of your rave reviews of the TSL so far and thank you for noticing how great it can be here. We’re overjoyed to have you.

 

5.      I love the idea of Scotty D. writing an article. In fact, I think a few TSLers would be fantastic at it. If you’d be willing to do so, contact Topper, myself, or any member of the Board of Directors and maybe we can get that going!

 

6.      The greatest games you’ll never be allowed to watch this week are:

 

a.      10:00 – Peachy Platoon vs Slytherin That Endzone

b.      11:00 – Eyes Downtown vs Public Enemy

c.       12:00 – Peachy Platoon vs Dilfs

d.      1:00 – Zack Attack vs Mountain Dew Me

e.      2:00 – En Fuego vs Overcompensators

f.        3:00 – En Fuego vs All We Do Is Quinn

 

7.      Special shout out to Coach Jay here. He’s really stepped up as Head Referee in Rameer’s place and is doing a great job. One ref already praised the fact that the weekly emails are about 10,000 words less than Rameer’s were.

 

8.      I really love seeing how well the teams that jump up a division do. I’ve got my eye on Zack Attack, En Fuego, Over Compensators and the Dil…er, nevermind. Can’t forget The Ange…nevermind again. Anyway, I’ll be watching Zack Attack, En Fuego, and the OC closely. Props again for being not scared.

 

9.      Congrats to the Rose Garden for still allowing us to get our drink on and adding that very convenient $2 Sausage or Hot Dog to be added to your order so you can buy alcohol.  I was told by the bar themselves how happy they were about us.

 

10.    We’ve harped on this before, but this is more important than ever. With the uncertainty in the games from week to week, your captains should be having the Telegram app so we can give the fastest updates possible. In fact, there’s talk it’ll be mandatory for captains soon. The quicker we can get you info the better here.

 

 

And with that, we’re on to week two. Keep taking care of each other. And its going to be hot out there, so wear your sunscreen. And your masks.

 

I’m still looking for the cut.

 

-GF

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