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Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, Week 6 is upon us!

 

Week 5 was everything it could’ve been and more. We saw some big wins by quite a few teams last week that has once again proved to us that the only thing we know about how this session will play out is that we don’t know anything about how this session will truly play out.

 

The sun was scorching the fields at the Angry Buffalo, and it definitely caused more than a few of our TSLers to do some silly things along the way as dehydration ran wild all over the place. As sunburned faces searched for water, others were off searching for love. In this very column, over the last few weeks, I’ve been advocating for Scotty Dro from Frodo Swaggins. He’s been emailing me and calling his shots all over the place. I liked his moxie, and I was impressed with the swagger of a new QB who hadn’t done much yet in the TSL, but he sure acted the part of someone who did. I felt like he was going to be the next big thing, and maybe he still is, but after all of the hype, it appears he fell short when it was his turn to go to bat.

 

You simply cannot tell the world about your crush, and that you want to marry her, and whatever else, and then COMPLETELY DROP THE BALL AND NOT TALK TO HER WHEN SHE’S ON THE FIELDS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU. Topper is a genius Scotty. He knew months ago that you’d fall in love with “Casey from Quinn” and that’s why he waited until the perfect moment to put you two on the fields next to each other. You called your shot, pointed to the bleachers like you were going to hit a home run, and foul tipped the ball into the catcher’s glove.

 

I’m disappointed. I was hoodwinked into thinking this was going to be something special. Hell, even 40 Year Plan Guy took multiple swings at Katie Keller along the way. And on top of all of this, I realized that I was wrong about Scotty. He’s still got a ways to go to be a superstar here. So it’s made me question everything else I thought about our Faux Romeo. I got angry emails two weeks ago from Garrett Beesing, letting me know that his hands were never the problem. I was wrong Garrett, I can now assume it’s Scotty who is the problem. I’m sorry. Scotty also stepped up and started to call for the end of Joey Batts’ career, saying he was done. Clearly, believing that was wrong too. And that’s why to help young Scotty make a love connection, I went to Joey to see if he’d be willing to give any tips to help “Dro” out on finding love. “The Dream” Joey Batts proceeded to accept my apology for not believing in him, and he stepped up to give some advice. Presenting, Joey Batts’ Love Corner!!!

 

At least, this is where Joey’s Love Corner was supposed to be. Instead, he has also disappointed me and despite knowing the article has a deadline, he’s not sent me anything after saying he would days ago.

 

You really can’t trust anyone anymore. So if there’s a TSLer out there who would love to give Scotty some love advice, please email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and I’ll post that advice here next week!

 

And now, let’s get onto the games:

 

D1:

 

Last Week’s Games:

Public Enemy 31, Tight Ends In Motion 22

Tight Ends In Motion 14, Marketing Mayors 13

Marketing Mayors 35, Public Enemy 28

Eyes Downtown 35, Gryffindor 0

 

Public Enemy, TEIM, and the Mayors had a triple threat match last weekend, and when the dust was settled, all of them came out 1-1. Shout out to Tight Ends, as I said in my last article that they’ve been getting really close to finally winning some of these close games, and just like that they took out the defending champs. There was also talk that had they not had to start shorthanded with a QB that wasn’t McKenrick they would’ve been 2-0 on the day. But, they weren’t, and that’s okay. They’re beginning to peak at the right time. Public Enemy handled TEIM but dropped a decision to the Mayors in a close contest. It doesn’t help that Mike Boccio was sent to the Cleveland Clinic this week for further tests on his concussion that he didn’t (but did he?) get a few weeks ago, as he was sent there by his doctor and caretaker, Diana Bernard. Get well soon little guy. Finally, Eyes Downtown handily disposed of Gryffindor, giving Joey one last chance to get that elusive first win in D1.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Tight Ends In Motion vs Gryffindor (+13) – It hurts to have to write that spread, but it makes sense. Gryffindor has been abused twice now by TEIM, but there is one difference this week: They’re playing at 10:00. The last two games had been at the day’s end, but this time Gryffindor will show up ready to go, bright eyed and bushy tailed, while we aren’t sure if TEIM will start the “too early” game with a full squad. Let’s do it: GRYFFINDOR BY 2

 

Eyes Downtown vs Marketing Mayors (EVEN) – The current champs against the current number one contenders to the throne, I couldn’t make a line on this one no matter how hard I tried. The Mayors have seemed a little more up and down lately, while this whole season it feels that Eyes Downtown has been on cruise control. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 4

 

D2:

 

Last Week’s Games

Energy Buff 21, We Back 0 (Forfeit)

Dilf’s 33, Bullet Club 27

 

A very slow week for D2, as they only had two games and one of them was a forfeit. What a weak move by We Back. We aren’t sure they’ll be back at all this session, but I can assure you that the TSL is taking measures to replace them with a team so others won’t be having to miss out on games because of this nonsense. The other matchup was a bit of a barnburner and BC and the Dilf’s went back and forth in this one before the Dilf’s punched in a game winning touchdown that saw Dubey throw the ball to Eric Stegs, which just might be the oldest combined TD combo in league history.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Bullet Club vs Energy Buff (+3) – Two teams that have traveled similar paths meet up in a “Who Doesn’t Get To Play Peachy/A&A In Round 1 of the playoffs” matchup. Both teams have only one win this season (against We Back), both have had attendance issues, and both have this game circled as “must win” on the calendar. BULLET CLUB BY 6

 

HOFBRAUHAUS BUFFALO vs Peachy Platoon (EVEN) – A great offense versus a great defense. I’m giving Team Topper all of the credit here so far, even if they’ve played a weaker schedule than most of D2. If this defense is truly going to be “legit”, here’s their biggest test to date. This “D1 Jr.” matchup is MUST SEE TV here. Peachy is still great, but if there’s one area they’ve struggled with so far, its playing against smart veteran teams who know how to stop them. How will this one go? PEACHY PLATOON BY 3

 

A&A vs Dilfs (+6) – A lot of questions on this game, and most of them just come from who is going to show up on both sides. Dubey finally graced the TSL with his aura last week and the Dilf offense was better than ever. A&A has had some attendance issues as well, although a lot of that had to do with injury issues. With a week off, perhaps they’ll be able to have rested and get everyone to the fields? If the Dilfs have championship aspirations, this is a game they need to win. DILFS BY 1

 

Slytherin That End Zone vs Energy Buff (+8) – SITE also comes back after a week off. Energy Buff could really use all of their horses for this one. It seems every week they’re missing Ben Stack or some of their girls, or their QB, etc. If they’re at full strength for once, they could pull the upset here. SITE really likes to get down early and make a comeback, so it’ll be on them to come out of the gate hot. Look for Newman to Dawson early, that guy is a heck of a WR. SITE BY 7

 

Slytherin That End Zone vs We Back (+21) – The line is simply what it’ll be when We Back tries to forfeit again. Even if they play: SITE BY 21

 

D3:

 

Last Week’s Games:

No Punt Intended 44, End Game 30

3^rd & Schlong 41, Ultimate Warriors 32

Jabronies 39, Sticky Bandits 16

No Punt Intended 33, Puckett All-Stars 21

All We Do Is Quinn 44, Vaspian 18

Jabronies 29, Frodo Swaggins 28

Puckett All-Stars 32, Sticky Bandits 28

 

A BIG slate of games for our D3 division this last week. What did we learn? Well, we learned that No Punt Intended really is a contender for the throne as they went 2-0 in games they had to win. The biggest winners of the day were the Jabronies, who knocked off Frodo Swaggins (And their distracted QB) along with winning the big bet that ended up being a small bet against Sticky Bandits. Sticky had a rough day at the office, going 0-2. Quinn continued being awesome, and didn’t take Vaspian lightly. They walked away with an easy win, Vaspian walked away with a learning experience. Puckett hung in there with NPI and then beat Sticky to get that elusive first win of the season. With how the standings are shaping up, they have the ability to sneak in the playoffs still. 3^rd and Schlong continues their ascent up the standings with another victory. The Keller clan is coming together and they’re looking to be a tough out the rest of the way after a shaky start. End Game is looking like they might have some work to do to stay in the playoff hunt or they risk dropping out.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Puckett All-Stars vs Ultimate Warriors (EVEN) – This game has big playoff implications. Both teams are sitting just on the outside looking in, but getting a win here most likely puts them in the Top 8 after Week 6 is over. Not only that, but this game will help in terms of tiebreakers as well. I like how Puckett played last week, but I’ve liked how the Warriors have played all season (mostly). ULTIMATE WARRIORS BY 8

 

Frodo Swaggins vs Ultimate Warriors (+6) – Frodo needs to make sure they win this one, as the loss to the Jabronies have put them into the 4/5 matchup zone that they most likely don’t want to be in. If Scotty is any form of a man, he’ll be wanting to prove himself in this one as well. The Warriors are going to have a battle with Puckett just before, so they’ll be a little tired going into this one. FRODO SWAGGINS BY 10

 

All We Do Is Quinn vs No Punt Intended (+7) – I’ve done this every year. It always feels to me that NPI has turned a corner during a season, I talk them up and pick them to win, and they lose by 30. Not this year. They need to prove it to me more than ever that they’re a legit contender. A win against Quinn would absolutely do that. Quinn is still just rolling. Vince slings it, Rawdin catches it, and if he doesn’t, one of Cat, Emily, or Casey does it for him. It just isn’t fair. AWDIQ BY 12

 

Jabronies vs 3^rd & Schlong (+7) – Two of the hottest teams in D3 are going to go head to head this week. Jabronies laid their claim to the throne with two big wins over contenders last week. 3AS has found their mojo and they’re looking like the team that took the TSL by storm not too long ago. A win here for 3AS would be huge, and it’d announce to everyone else that they’re back. I love me some Kellers. 3^RD AND SCHLONG BY 1

 

No Punt Intended vs Sticky Bandits (+3) – Sticky easily would’ve been favored in this game before the devastating Week 5 that they had. Now it seems they’re mortal. Whispers have been abound that the QB situation is part of the problem, as a returning from injury Rags hasn’t been nearly as good as Sticky would’ve hoped. The team seems to play better with Mike Thomas at QB, and one has to wonder which way they’re going to go this time. NPI has one hell of a week ahead of them as well, they can’t afford to go 0-2. NO PUNT INTENDED BY 4

 

Sticky Bandits vs Vaspian (+7) – Vaspian is a fun team that are quite athletic and still get all of the credit in the world for not only starting in D3 as a brand new team, but for actually performing well and competing too. However, if there’s on thing Sticky can do better than anyone, it’s out smart their opponents, especially when they’re brand new. STICKY BANDITS BY 13

 

D4:

 

Last Week’s Games:

Buffalo Solar Solutions 29, Mountain Dew Me 23

Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers 41, Full Throttle 21

Buffalo Solar Solutions 46, Matty’s Angels 43

Matty’s Angels 35, Cunning Stunts 17

 

HOLD. THE. PHONE. Just like in every single video game, it appears that this final boss can be slayed as well. Buffalo Solar Solutions may have had the best day at the office last week, and that’s saying something. First they disposed of Mountain Dew Me, ho hum. But then they took on the beasts of D4, looked them in the eye, and slayed them. It is on me for saying this division is basically over already, I was wrong. BSS has shown that they can compete here, and always in the TSL, we know nothing. Matty’s fueled that anger into a victory with their championship revenge against the Stunts later on. Shout out to Uncle Rico’s who are finally finding their way with a nice win over Full Throttle.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Full Throttle vs Mountain Dew Me (EVEN) – I’m well aware that Full Throttle defeated MDM 28-14 in Week 1, but that feels like it was ages ago. Since then these two teams feel like they’re going in different directions. I know that FT has a better record than MDM still, but I’ve been getting more reports on how MDM is getting better each week, and I don’t feel that with FT. Look for some MDM revenge win here. MOUNTAIN DEW ME BY 6

 

Cunning Stunts vs Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers (+10) – The Stunts can NOT be happy after getting shown up by the Angels once again. With Matty’s regaining the title of “best gender team” last week, one has to think that the Stunts (in their cool new jerseys!) will be looking to just stomp a mudhole in poor Uncle Rico’s. If QB Tim can keep his cool instead of being enamored with certain members of the Stunts, they might stand a chance. No, I don’t think he can do it either. CUNNING STUNTS BY 13

 

Matty’s Angels vs Full Throttle (+11) – The worst thing that could happen to a team that’s on a hot streak is a game against Matty’s Angels. So what do you think happens when a team is on a cold streak? MATTY’S ANGELS BY 20

 

Buffalo Solar Solutions vs Mountain Dew Me (+6) – Through the magic of 6 team division scheduling, we’re getting this game again so quickly after the 29-23 BSS win last week. This is the perfect spot for a “let down” game for BSS after they must be ridin’ high from the big wins. BSS has to make sure that they don’t assume they’ll win this one just because they won last Saturday. BUFFALO SOLAR SOLUTIONS BY 7

 

D5:

 

Last Week’s Games:

Practice Squad 38, Cobblestone 6

Hope N Ruin 22, Pink Pteratacos 12

Hung Buffalo 22, Pink Pteratacos 13

Hung Buffalo 42, Cobblestone 14

 

D5 didn’t have a ton of action last week, but the games that did happen pretty much cemented what we already kind of know: Cobblestone and Pink Pteratacos are not that great. Team Darryl Carr QB Superstar has had quite the fall from grace the last few sessions (they were in D3 a few seasons ago, I swear), and this week’s 0-2 record seems to fan the flames of D6 whispers for both next season. Hung Buffalo got two big wins though, as they try to keep pace with the Big 3 of D5. Speaking of the Big 3 of D5, Practice Squad got a lights out win against Cobblestone, further proof that they’re for real in this division.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

Over Compensators vs Practice Squad (+12) – It feels just down right dirty to make Practice Squad a double digit underdog here, but the OC is just THAT DAMN GOOD. They average about 15 more points a game than PS, and give up about 5 points less a game. If anything, the line might not be high enough. This is absolutely one of the best games of the day though. Keeping up the Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out theme from past articles, PS is taking on Iron Mike here. If they can figure out how to stop Larry and the OC’s offense, they’d be the first it seems. OVER COMPENSATORS BY 10

 

Hope N Ruin vs Cobblestone (+9) – I don’t give Cobblestone smack on purpose or to be a jerk. I know they’re a great bunch of people, but I’ll keep saying that they need stability at quarterback to really make this this work. Darryl is a future Hall of Famer (don’t listen to Rameer) but its time they get Garrett to be full time QB. HNR is starting to right the ship after a slower start. They’re an uncharacteristic 1-4, but perhaps they’re starting to get things right before playoffs, where they’ve shown they can take it to the next level. HOPE N RUIN BY 6

 

En Fuego vs Hung Buffalo (+8) – Hung Buffalo got a little bit of their swagger back last week, but in reality they just beat up on the two worst teams in the division. HB’s real test comes this week in the form of the jorts wearing juggernauts of En Fuego. Last time we saw En Fuego, The OC was smacking them around the Rose Garden. Blasé LaDuca spent the bye week just sitting next to a reflection pool thinking about life and what’s next for his team. Well, a date with HB seems to be it. Should be a good one. EN FUEGO BY 7

 

Hope N Ruin vs Come From Behind (+7) – Both teams have similar defenses, but Hope N Ruin has the offensive advantage. Paul LoVullo still has some of the best hair in the league, and he can still sling it, but the touchdowns just aren’t there like they used to be. This perennial D5 matchup should be close, but for now I’d take HNR. HOPE N RUIN BY 4

 

Come From Behind vs Pink Pteratacos (+8) – The Pteratacos shouldn’t be favored against anybody at this point, even the potential “older veteran team playing their second game in the sun” matchup they have here. I’ll continue to point out how good their girls are, but that’s about the only thing PP has going for them. Look for Mark to blow this team up, and we’ll be seeing the Pink UFOs come to a D6 Spring Session near you. COME FROM BEHIND BY 10

 

D6:

 

Last Week’s Games:

 

Tater Tots 34, Blitzkrieg 18

pAssless Chaps 26, TMA 18

The BiPolar Express 36, Shattered Dreams 24

Zack Attack 20, The Replacements 14

Zack Attack 27, The BiPolar Express 24

Graves Bros 37, Wild Oak Beard Co 25

 

Here’s another division where the “Top 3” has officially become a “Top 5”. Zack Attack went 2-0 this week, and they lead the division with a 6-1 record. They took over the “top contender” throne with their win against the BPX this weekend. But, multiple reports told me that the Attack blew a 27 – 8 lead in the second half as soon as Cat Peters appeared on the field. BPX also disposed of Shattered Dreams this weekend, a team that is slowly adjusting to life in the TSL. They had BPX on the ropes for a little bit I guess, before a costly pick gave the game away. The Tater Tots came through in their big “playoff positional seeding” game against Blitzkrieg. That should be huge for the tiebreakers that will undoubtedly come into play at season’s end. WOBCO’s little hot streak came to an end against Graves Bros. The Bros have been rushing Gronk all season, and for a newer team like WOBCO, it can be a little intimidating when a giant man with incredible quickness is barreling down on your QB. Finally, in the game of the day, the pAssless Chaps reminded everyone that this division runs through them as they take in a victory against TMA in what could easily be the D6 title game.

 

This Week’s Games:

 

pAssless Chaps vs Blitzkrieg (+10) – The problem for Blitzkreig isn’t so much their offense. They can score. But their defense might be better off getting a couple of kids from the nearby preschool. They can’t stop anyone. Coach Jay and the Chaps should be ready to pick them apart in this one. PASSLESS CHAPS BY 13

 

Wild Oak Beard Co vs Shattered Dreams (+7) – Two new teams that improve each week meet up in this one. Wild Oak looks to get back to their winning ways after a loss to Graves. Shattered Dreams looks to get their first win in the TSL ever. Last week, the Shattered Dreams QB allegedly had clown face paint on at the bar, so I’m excited to hear about if he does it again this week. WILD OAK BEARD CO BY 10

 

The Bi-Polar Express vs The Replacements (+10) – The problem for The Replacements here may be their lack of females that can hang with the BPX girls. BPX has scored nearly double the points of The Replacements this season, and I just don’t see a way for TR to really keep up here. THE BI-POLAR EXPRESS BY 13

 

Zack Attack vs TMA (EVEN) – This is a BIG game for D6. TMA is coming off a loss to the Chaps, while the Attack sit atop of this wild division. QB Ryan and Good Nick have made worlds of difference for TMA (Although Steph Czaja might have been the best FA pick up by Ferger this season). The Attack can score, and they can exploit. They can also play defense too, and that’s the biggest reason they have a great shot to take this one home. One Day, I’ll learn more about them. ZACK ATTACK BY 8

 

Graves Bros vs Tater Tots (+7) – The Tots come into this one looking to make their own claim to the “contenders” group in D6. A win here would surely do just that, or at the very least put them in the conversation. Graves is looking to keep running with the big dogs in the top of D6, so this is a game they have to win here. And they should. GRAVES BROS BY 14

 

TMA vs Tater Tots (+9) – Drunk Meg vs Drunk Meg’s Boyfriend. There HAS to be a bet on this right? I know that 98% of TMA reads this article (Hi Brent!) so can ONE of you get there to be some sort of bet? Come on. Do it for America. Do the Tots read this? If they do, you get to work on your end. This could be a fun 3:00 game to watch. TMA BY 10

 

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY:

 

1.      Can Scotty Dro redeem himself after failing so hard? Seriously, you can’t call your shot and let your crush know you’re all about her, and then get more tight lipped around her than a Target mannequin. You made me look foolish Scotty, I’m not thrilled about it.

 

2.      Will We Back show up? My Sources say no. Seriously, I’ve been hearing murmurs that there’s definitely going to be a fill in team for this week, and perhaps the rest of the season. No, you can’t be on it.

 

 

3.      Will Topper be a changed man after his spiritual trip to Scotland? More than likely not. He’ll be the same Uncle Topper, but I really just wanted to take this moment and let him know that most of my associates at the fields did say that he was missed greatly this week.

 

4.      Will we have any teams have an undefeated season? With only a few weeks left in the regular season, we have only THREE TSL teams that have yet to receive a loss yet this session: HOFBRAUHAUS BUFFALO, A&A, and The Over Compensators. Since Team Topper and A&A play each other still this season, that means one of them will lose along the way (of course they’ll end up tying), and The OC plays their toughest test the rest of the way this week against Practice Squad. If they can win that one, they have a great chance to be undefeated.

 

 

5.      Did you prepare for that hot September sun? While I was hanging out on a nice, breezy day in my backyard in Des Moines, Iowa on Saturday last week, I heard most of you were being burned alive by the sun. I already know you didn’t wear sunscreen, but seriously, take a look at the weather channel before coming to the fields and stay hydrated. It’s looking to be in the 70s again next weekend, but this time it seems we might see some rain before day’s end.

 

TEN FINAL THOUGHTS ABOUT SATURDAY:

 

1.      Here’s your must watch list for this week:

a.      10:00 – Over Compensators vs Practice Squad – Field 4

b.      11:00 – HOFBRAUHAUS BUFFALO vs Peachy Platoon – Field 1

c.       12:00 – Marketing Mayors vs Eyes Downtown – Field 1

d.      1:00 – All We Do Is Quinn vs No Punt Intended – Field 2

e.      2:00 – Jabronies vs 3^rd and Schlong – Field 1

f.        3:00 – Vaspian vs Sticky Bandits – Field 1

 

2.      Shout out to Travis for another successful rendition of “Titos with Travis”, as he had on Gabe and Heather from Vaspian. Go watch it on our Facebook page (Like it if you haven’t!) and learn about some of our newest TSLers!

 

 

3.      This shouldn’t be hard, but seriously people, don’t get in the refs faces. League Expulsion is an option. Think before you do anything stupid.

 

 

4.      The one team in each division I think everyone is sleeping on: Tight Ends In Motion, Slytherin that end zone, 3^rd and Schlong, Mountain Dew Me, Hung Buffalo, and Wild Oak Beard Company.

 

5.      The more stories I hear from my associates, the more I hear about teams rushing a guy instead of a girl. I know that its been done like that by many teams over the years, but usually your fastest girl rushing is the norm. So that got me thinking: What is your preference on rushing? Personally, I think having a fast girl rush is the way to go. I also know there’s two trains of thought on HOW to rush. I’ve always been an advocate for the rusher to take a few steps back into the play when counting and then rushing full speed ahead at 5 seconds to time it jussssttt right at 6 one thousand. A fast girl who knows how to “speed count” without getting flagged is a HUGE asset. Shout out to Maggie LaMantia, who may just be the best in the business when it comes to female rushers. She scary.

 

 

6.      The TSL’s Current “Bernal Family” Rankings:

a.      1^st – Travis: was excellent on the podcast and started Tito’s with Travis. Plus he’s playing lights out.

b.      2^nd – Diana: Scoring touchdowns and having fun, word has also gotten to me from unnamed sources that she’s the family’s best singer as well.

c.       3^rd – Boccio: dragging this concussion thing out a little too long

d.      4^th – Val: she takes pictures, sure, but what has she really DONE this season? We should expect more from the First Lady of the TSL. Expect a bounce back week this weekend.

 

7.      Just want to give another Good Job to the Buffalo Solar Solutions crew. Beating Matty’s Angels is awesome and they’ve really been playing good football for the entire 2019 calendar year.

 

8.      With the return of Topper, perhaps we’ll also see the return of the Topper Wheel of Hope? ONE MORE SPIN LETS GOOOOO!

 

9.      I heard on the Official TSL Podcast this week that pAssless Chaps member Makensey (is that actually spelled right?) would have loved to be in Breakfast Club, but she didn’t know how to sign up. I know for a fact that Topper emails all of your captains before the season starts to have them tell you to sign up. If you’re not getting word about it, yell at your captains!

 

10.   Please do us all a favor and DO NOT PARK ON THE STREETS BY FIELD 5. I know Rameer touched on this, but I want to do it as well. That includes you, referees. We see you. You’re the example setters for the league on this one. Thanks for you cooperation everyone!

 

 

Week 6 is comin’ in hot and the playoff races are taking shape. There’s a LOT of big games this week for a lot of teams, and I Personally can’t wait to wake up Sunday morning and see the results in my email.

 

Scotty, seriously, you owe me.

 

Good luck this week guys and be safe out there. I won’t be watching. . .

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