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- Written by Patrick McGovern
- Category: The Godfather's Picks
- Published: 05 September 2019
- Created: 05 September 2019
- Hits: 13523
Ladies and Gentlemen of the TSL Universe, lend me your ears.
For it is in this very league, that one of life’s greatest wars will be played out on the battlefield in a few short weeks.
Tots. Vs. Fries.
As the great philosopher Road Dogg Jesse James once said: “Oh you didn’t know?”. Let me tell you. Our lovely little league can, at times, really turn a negative into a positive. For clarity’s sake, I’ll give you the full rundown. In Week 1, pAssless chaps were all set to play the Tater Tots in a D6 contest. The Chaps, however, could not field a team and gave the TSL brain trust (Okay, it was just Topper, and describing him as a “brain trust” is truly terrifying) more than enough notice to move the game. The Tots, at first, thought they were given the option to reschedule the game for later in the season or take the forfeit. In a very weak move (that would’ve garnered some serious shaming by yours truly I may add), the Tots asked for the victory when they didn’t like the idea of potentially playing the make up game later in the season, when it would be presumably colder and less “good weather-y”. A fair assumption, but a very weak move. Topper dropped the hammer almost instantaneously, informing them they have to play the game, since the Chaps gave more than enough notice on the need for a reschedule. And then, something beautiful blossomed.
In a fun email chain between the captains, Topper, and myself pAsseless Captain Shawn declared #FriesAreBetter. How he could think that was beyond me (they aren’t), but not only did the teams agree to the new game date (Week 7 at 3:00) we have our first major bet of the season that the loser will buy the winner some delicious food. If the Tots win, pAssless will buy them Tater Tots. If the Chaps win, a couple of large fries will be sent the Chaps’ way. The teams will have to pose together with the winning potato choice to show their D6 Unity, and all will be good with the world.
We have our first bet of the Fall 2019 season, and it’s a fun one. Who can top it?
(If I wasn’t clear: Tots are better.)
Let’s get into this week’s fun!
D1:
Last Week’s Games:
Public Enemy 29, Gryffindor 28
Eyes Downtown 36, Tight Ends in Motion 32
Eyes Downtown 44, Bullet Club 0 (D1/D2 Crossover)
Gryffindor 42, Dilfs 38 (D1/D2 Crossover)
Well, last week I definitely said “Let’s see if Gryffindor learned anything from last week” and it goes to show you that they sure as hell did. PE and Gryffindor put on a 10:00 show that featured scoring, end of game excitement (I’m pretty confident that Gryffindor went for two at the end of the game to go for the win and didn’t get it, I could be wrong though), and even a couple of people laying on the ground a few times (Mike Boccio and Amanda Werth, I believe). These two teams really put it on the line and it seems a fun rivalry may be brewing. Eyes Downtown used their light workout against Bullet Club to make sure they were ready for their real game against TEIM. It looked like it helped just enough as Bobby and Co walked away with a hard fought 4 point victory.
This Week’s Games:
Eyes Downtown vs Gryffindor (+7) – I’m not entirely sure which Gryffindor we’re going to get here. ED seems to be rolling now (after I talked about how they felt off last week, naturally). While both teams had close D1 games last week, ED murdered Bullet Club whereas Gryffindor had to fight to beat the Dilfs. The spread feels right, but one has to wonder if Eyes Downtown is looking past this game to the bigger battle against Public Enemy. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 6
Eyes Downtown vs Public Enemy (EVEN) – IT’S ON!!!! But, does anybody really care anymore? The anger, the vitriol, the absolute bitter “I truly hate this other team” attitude that both of these teams have for each other seems to have calmed down a little bit from what it used to be. Yes, both of these teams don’t like each other. No, they won’t hug. Yes, they’ll smack talk. But will it be the ‘MUST SEE TV’ it’s been in the past? YES. YES IT WILL. GET THREE REFS FOR THIS GAME. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 2
Marketing Mayors vs Gryffindor (+10) – In case anyone forgot, the D1 champs don’t wear red. They’re back after a week off and they’re looking to get a taste of Gryffindor. I’m not sure that, across the board, Batts and Co can keep up. MARKETING MAYORS BY 13
Marketing Mayors vs Tight Ends In Motion (+7) – Tight Ends had a heck of a good game against Eyes Downtown but they just couldn’t quite get the victory. That’ll happen. Next up for them is an even better team in the Mayors, and TEIM will need all of their horses to have their ducks in a row. Or something. MARKETING MAYORS BY 7
D2:
Last Week’s Games:
Bullet Club 34, We Back 8
Team Topper 49, Energy Buff 8
A&A 32, Peachy Platoon 28*
Slytherin That End Zone 37, Dilfs 36
A&A 34, Energy Buff 26
Am I supposed to feel bad for Peachy Platoon here? Look, I get it. They lost a game that, if the TSL had instant replay (Topper, where ARE the drones anyway?) it’d be overturned. But this is the TSL and even though Peachy appealed the call (Good on Topper for sticking to the results), things like this sometimes happen. Human error will always be a factor in ANY Social Co-Ed sport. Peachy is more than fine. They’re young, hyper athletic, all of them are some sort of handsome/beautiful (this includes the Team Parents on the sidelines, like, what a gene pool they have going over there, seriously), talented, and they’re some of the nicest people around. Plus, everyone makes the playoffs in D2, so the Platoon can just sit back and use this game as inspiration to get even better. I don’t know when it’s going to happen, but A&A vs Peachy Platoon Round 2 is coming. Hold onto your butts. You know who else is pretty good? Slytherin That End Zone. They’re sitting at 2-1 when they could be 3-0 if they pulled out the win against Peachy. They made a comeback against Bullet Club and now they’ve pulled off a 1 point win against the Dilfs. I think its finally fair to say that they deserve some respect, which almost guarantees them a huge disappointing loss this week. Team Topper (HOFBRAUHAUS BUFFALO) casually rolled Energy Buff with no issue. Bullet Club beat up on a shorthanded “We Back” team that seems to have forgotten to tell themselves that they’re “Back”, since they’ve yet to roll out a full team yet this season.
This Week’s Games:
We Back (+20) vs A&A – This is the biggest line I’ve ever given out I think. But it’s warranted. We Back has seemed to grossly overestimate their talents and has D4 written all over them for the Spring. Can Matty cover the spread? It’ll be interesting to see if he gets his full team here this week, but this one could be over very early. A&A BY 21
HOFBRAUHAUS BUFFALO vs Bullet Club (+13) – Bullet Club would be the story of how bad things can be going in D2 for a team if We Back and Energy Buff didn’t exist. While they were 19 seconds away from being 2-2, it doesn’t seem quite like they can keep up with the “Should be in D1 and its messing up the divisions a little bit” teams like PP, A&A, and well, Team Topper. Team Topper is a D2 team in a D1 team’s body, and that doesn’t bode well for the Club. Future D2 MVP Topper rolls. HOFBRAUHAUS BUFFALO BY 17
Dilfs (+10) vs Peachy Platoon – I think I’m being nice with this line. The Dilfs are a good team, don’t get me wrong, but they’re the first team to get to play the “chip on our shoulder” version of Peachy Platoon. Plus, the problem with specifically being an “Old Guy and Travis” team, is that they lack some overall team speed. Peachy, does not struggle with that issue. This could be a track meet for the Platoon. PEACHY PLATOON BY 10
D3:
Last Week’s Games:
Jabronies 41, Puckett All-Stars 28
End Game 29, Ultimate Warriors 23
All We Do Is Quinn 45, Puckett All-Stars 14
No Punt Intended 32, Vaspian 14
Sticky Bandits 39, All We Do Is Quinn 37
No Punt Intended 33, 3rd and Schlong 19
Frodo Swaggins 30, Vaspian 26
All We Do Is Quinn (better known as Peachy Platoon’s little brothers) lost a HEARTBREAKER to Sticky Bandits this week. They had the highest of highs with a last second TD to take the lead after trailing the entire game. And then they give up the Hail Mary TD to blow it. And they wonder why they weren’t moved up a division? That can’t happen. No Punt Intended showed up with fresh new jerseys and a much better on field product. They cruised to two wins and have made an early claim to be in the title picture here. Rough day for Vaspian, but getting NPI and Frodo in a doubleheader is no easy task for a newer team. I still have faith in this squad. If NPI and Frodo is a bad draw, how about getting Quinn and Jabronies? Puckett may have gone 0-2, but if they can make a few necessary adjustments they’ll be okay in this division. Speaking of Jabronies, so far so good for them as they made the jump to D3. 1-0-1 is a good start. End Game squeaked out a win against the Warriors, who were a bad throw or two away from taking this one.
This Week’s Games:
Ultimate Warriors (+10) vs All We Do Is Quinn – These teams played each other a few times not too long ago at the end of last season. Quinn was pretty dominant in those contests, and even though the Warriors have a QB now, I don’t think he’s the difference maker in this one. ALL WE DO IS QUINN BY 14
End Game vs Puckett All-Stars (EVEN) – A fun rematch from last season’s D4 playoffs that saw Puckett knock off the heavily favored End Game en route to their championship. There’s no way End Game didn’t spend all summer preparing for revenge. Here’s hoping Puckett brings the entire team and we see another awesome battle. END GAME BY 1
Sticky Bandits vs 3rd And Schlong (+8) – “Dad? Dad, come on. You’ve gotta get up.” – Simba, The Lion King. Whenever I see “3rd and Schlong” lately, that’s exactly how I feel. My mind races to Simba trying to wake up Mufasa after he’s died. And I feel like I’m Simba here, just trying to wake 3AS up. The TSL is a better place when they’re good. Sticky, however, IS good. They’re playing the kind of football they’re accustomed to, and the wins are following. This is a game of two teams trending in different ways. STICKY BANDITS BY 10
Jabronies (+3) vs All We Do Is Quinn – The first big test for Joe Miano and his various Klecklers comes this week in the form of Peachy Platoon’s JV squad. The Quinners are NO slouches, and with Sticky surprising them last week, they’re going to be on their toes not to be upset again. This battle should be a very good one. ALL WE DO IS QUINN BY 4
D4:
Last Week’s Games:
Full Throttle 50, Buffalo Solar Solutions 30
Matty’s Angels 64, Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers 6
Cunning Stunts 49, Mountain Dew Me 22
Let’s give a shout out to Full Throttle! That’s a big win for them, its showing that they’re improving each session. I still don’t know if they have what it takes to beat one of the gender teams, but it’s a start! As much as I want to rag on Uncle Rico’s for getting mauled, I’m not going to. Word is they were missing some stars, and on top of it all, I kind of said this was going to happen. The Angels are mad, look out. Meanwhile, in other gender team news, the Stunts showed up and looked like they’re in midseason form. Many reports suggest Mountain Dew Me shows lots of promise however, and I’m looking forward to seeing how they progress.
This Week’s Games:
Matty’s Angels vs Full Throttle (+14) – Full Throttle is improving, but this is the litmus test for the division. All roads to the D4 title lead here. MATTY’S ANGELS BY 14
Mountain Dew Me (+7) vs Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers – It’ll be interesting to see how URTT looks when they trot out the entire squad. MDM isn’t a team they can sleep on it seems, so this game will give us the real look at how Rico’s matches up this session. UNCLE RICO’S TIME TRAVELERS BY 7
Buffalo Solar Solutions (+8) vs Cunning Stunts – I’m not entirely sure how Buffalo Solar lost to Full Throttle by 20 last week, so I’m going to assume they’ll be a little better this week. The Stunts have two games this week, and with Joey already having two before that, there’s a chance his arm falls off. CUNNING STUNTS BY 7
Cunning Stunts vs Uncle Rico’s Time Travelers (+8) – Seriously, by Game 4 of the day, Joey’s arm may actually fall off. That’s perfect timing for an Uncle Rico’s squad that’s looking to make a mark in the division. I still think the girls pull this out though. CUNNING STUNTS BY 3
D5:
Last Week’s Games:
En Fuego 32, Hope N Ruin 20
Practice Squad 34, Come From Behind 32
Over Compensators 44, Hung Buffalo 27
Practice Squad 32, Hung Buffalo 27
En Fuego gets all of the credit in the world for two things: having fun and wearing jorts. If they’re going to hide themselves in D5, the least they can do is be fun and not troublemakers. An easy win against Hope N Ruin for them. PRACTICE SQUAD! The D6 champs continue looking right at home in the division, going 2-0 this week, and find themselves at 3-0 overall. But they’re only second in the division because the Over Compensators are continuing the hot streak they started in the spring. D5 is really shaping up as the best division in terms of “who the hell is going to win this one?”. The games are close, and fun.
This Week’s Games:
Hung Buffalo vs Hope N Ruin (+3) – Both of these teams need to come out with a win, as they sit at 0-2 on the season. Hung Buffalo hung in there this week against Practice Squad and the OC, and with word from the fields coming in that HNR is already fighting internally, look for Hung Buffalo to take this one. HUNG BUFFALO BY 7
Cobblestone (+7) vs Come From Behind – CFB almost pulled off the win against Practice Squad, but they came up short. Just when they need a win, the fates send them Cobblestone. This game is going to be a close one. COME FROM BEHIND BY 3
Practice Squad vs En Fuego (EVEN) – Practice Squad has shown enough this early in the season to be considered even with En Fuego. Blasé and his team should be running away with this division, but this is really their first test to see just how ahead of the rest of the contenders they are. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 2
Over Compensators vs Pink Pteratacos (+8) – The OC is really rolling in this division right now, and they’re looking to keep their hot streak going against a Pteratacos team that can really make a mark of their own in the division this week with a big doubleheader. If the Pteratacos want to be taken seriously as a D5 title contender, this is the game they’re going to need to win. OVER COMPENSATORS BY 6
En Fuego vs Pink Pteratacos (+10) – On the back end of a doubleheader for both teams, this game could loom large for them, especially if En Fuego loses to Practice Squad. Both teams could be looking at avoiding going 0-2 on the day, which (considering the sometimes volatile personalities on either side) could lead to some fireworks. EN FUEGO BY 7
D6:
Last Week’s Games:
Blitzkrieg 42, The Replacements 30
Tater Tots 40, Zack Attack 18
The Bi-Polar Express 50, Wild Oak Beard Co. 8
Zack Attack 61, Shattered Dreams 20
TMA 46, Shattered Dreams 6
Graves Bros 20, pAssless Chaps 13
The Bi-Polar Express keeps chugging along here, as Gordon and the girls find themselves at 2-0 and on top of the division. This is the best start in the team’s short history, and it looks like they’re finally figuring things out. The Tots showed up and blew out Zack Attack, establishing early dominance in the division where nobody really knows who’s going to be good or bad just yet. Zack Attack would go onto to bludgeon Shattered Dreams, who had what we’ll nicely call “a rough first day at the office” after a not so nice game against TMA either. Graves Bros stuck their flag in the ground and showed the division that they’re going to be a force to be reckoned with this season, earning a win over D6 title favorite pAssless Chaps. And Blitzkrieg showed that it wasn’t a fluke they hung with BPX last week, earning their first win in the TSL.
This Week’s Games:
Blitzkrieg vs Wild Oak Beard Co (+10) – One team lost to BPX by 3, the other lost to them by 42. Since I don’t know too much about either team, that’s all I have to go on. It appears, based solely on these few facts that I know, that Blitzkrieg is probably a bit better. BLITZKRIEG BY 8
pAssless Chaps vs Shattered Dreams (+13) - Shattered Dreams were exactly that for themselves last week, as they lost their two games by a combined 107-26. While it’s not unheard of for a brand new team to struggle, that may have been a little overboard. The Chaps are also coming off a loss to Graves Bros, but with Coach Jay at the helm of this ship, you know they’re going to rebound and learn from it. PASSLESS CHAPS BY 10
The Bi-Polar Express vs Tater Tots (+6) – Word has trickled in that Gordon will be out this week, which means Non-Award Winning Tommy Hughes will step in for him at QB. The Tater Tots were impressive in their win last week, but the real story here is Drunk Meg taking on Drunk Meg’s Boyfriend With The Beard in this contest. THE BIPOLAR EXPRESS BY 8
The Replacements (+9) vs TMA – TMA has a QB and all seems right with the world. I’ve said it before, when TMA is happy, and they’re on, look out. This isn’t to say Ferger was the worst QB of all time or anything like that, but when you improve at the most important position AND you get Ferger out there to be a receiver as well, good things happen. The Replacements (not to be confused with The Replacements from a few seasons ago) seem to be figuring things out still, and they’re getting TMA at the wrong time. TMA by 10
Zack Attack (+7) vs Graves Bros – Graves Bros are looking strong out of the gate in D6, but not to be out done, so are Zack Attack. The two new teams are a combined 4-1 on this young season, so this is a pretty early “high profile” matchup. While a loss for either team shouldn’t hurt their playoff chances, this is a really good marker to see just where both teams stand in the division. GRAVES BROS BY 5
FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY
1. Can Public Enemy and Eyes Downtown recapture the true rivalry hate that we’ve come to know and love? The game is still a must watch, for sure.
2. How will Joey Batts hold up? Our tiny hero has four games this week, and one has to assume that he’s going to be exhausted by the day’s end.
3. What’s the deal with the referees? Rameer’s rant was pretty clear on this, but I’ll reiterate that your comments have been heard, and the issues with refereeing are being dealt with behind the scenes. When you have an issue with anything in this league, find your nearest Topper, Rameer, Joe K, Val, Emily, etc and let them know asap.
4. Will there be music again? It was AWESOME to hear that DJ Jimmy showed up to the fields to play music again just like it was back in the day. Here’s hoping that keeps up.
5. Have you taken advantage of the TSL Specials at the Rose Garden? After many years of clamoring for some, the league has finally gotten what they’ve been asking for. Go get those wings and drinks people!
TEN FINAL THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY
1. It’d be really cool if B’s Brother would show up to the fields sometime soon. Honestly, there’s so many new teams that haven’t had the honor of getting to meet a living TSL Hall of Famer that really should.
2. Shout out to Emily Curry, who was reportedly walking around the fields this week with a notebook in order to write down cool things to talk about on the TSL Podcast with Joe K this week. She’s going the extra mile it seems and deserves some credit. Looking forward to hearing it.
3. Here’s my guide to the best games at each time:
a. 10:00 – Field 4 – Hung Buffalo vs Hope N Ruin
b. 11:00 – Field 2 – End Game vs Puckett All-Stars
c. 12:00 – Field 1 – Eyes Downtown vs Public Enemy
d. 1:00 – Field 3 – Practice Squad vs En Fuego
e. 2:00 – Field 2 – Jabronies vs All We Do Is Quinn
4. Thank you to the few of you that have emailed me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. ! Its been great getting to know a few new people of the league. Please, shoot me an email if you want some publicity.
5. With the championships happening on October 26, there’s slight murmuring of the return of the Halloween Costume Drunk Bowl for an after party…
6. I’ll say this for Rameer: Don’t bother trying to get on the Universal Sub List, its basically set in stone as it is, and its NOT a way to get people an extra game. Each week people ask me if they can get on it as though I have any say in that. I don’t, and you won’t.
7. The world is a better place when people like Award Winning Tommy Hughes, Dave Walter, and Paul Scinta are at the fields constantly. WHERE ARE THEY?
8. It was good to see that the TSL pulled off a ridiculous 24 person fantasy football draft (It would’ve been nice to be a part of, by the way) chock full of a lot of the league’s biggest characters. There was even a really cool looking championship belt for it. Props to everyone that took part in it, as it’s yet another reason that the TSL is more than just a football league, it’s a family.
9. We may have to start taking applications for the Banquet Committee. Lenny was such a huge part of our annual tradition’s success and there’s no one person that can just show up and fill his shoes when it comes to that. I’m pretty confident Topper isn’t going to be able to do it all himself, so we’ll have to be there for him. If you want in on this adventure and are willing to help with it, email me and we’ll get this started.
10. Seriously though, Tots > Fries.
And with that, we’re on to Week 3. Be responsible, have fun out there, and treat everyone with respect. The league’s script is unfolding before your very eyes, pay attention to it all, there’s lots of great football being playing in every single division. What crazy turn will it take this week? I don’t know but I can’t wait to hear about it.
Great catch, Taylor Pagano.
