SITE Season Preview

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Category: SITE Season Preview

Created: Friday, 07 September 2018 11:31

Published: Friday, 07 September 2018 11:31

Written by Patrick McGovern

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So Uncle Topper sent me a note and basically said “GF I need you to do me a favor. I want you to handicap all (9) games for SITE. SITE is that really bad team in D3 with the really bad name. But they do have Gary who is our hero. Let’s see how Gary and Co will fare shall we…..

WEEK #1

SITE +32 VS GRYFFINDOR:  Oh come on Topper WTF. It’s bad enough you left SITE in D3 but now they have to face the greatest TSL’er of them all and perhaps of all time in Joey Batts. To make matters worse The Gryff signed Jeremy Burr which means bad news for SITE. OK here’s what will happen. SITE will put 2, 3 and sometimes 4 guys on Burr. Because Joey Batts likes a challenge he will still throw to Burr with 4 guys on him and will hit 75% of his passes. Poor brother Tony will be on the other side of the field uncovered but Joey will not look his way once. SITE will try and will score a whopping 6 point this week in route to a 53-6 loss. The bad news is SITE loses bad the good news is Gary wins the first ever TSL Topper’s Wheel of Hope spin this Saturday at 2:00. The bad news is Gary decided to also spin the secondary wheel and it lands on “valet park cars in a florescent traffic vest for 1 hour” later in the season. GRYFFINDOR BY 47

WEK #2: BYE WEEK

-Unbeknownst to Gray the rest of SITE takes his $100 Angry Buffalo gift certificate won on the  Topper’s wheel of Hope this Saturday at 2:00. They do the un-thinkable and set up a secret meeting with JZ. The remaining members of SITE plead with JZ to take them back as they were never as bad as they are now.  JZ looks at them and tells them “I will get back to you.” JZ also adds everyone on SITE as snapchat friends.

WEEK #3 DOUBLEHEADER

SITE +11 VS UNCLE RICO’S TIME TRAVELERS: SITE uses their brains this week. Fearing last week’s loss was on Gary they decide to have him serve his punishment during the game so while SITE is playing URTT Gary dons a flourescent traffic vest and must valet park cars for 1 hour. While he’s gone SITE plays the greatest game in their history and score at will. URTT has no clue what hit them as they can’t slow down SITE. The SITE defense looks refreshed as they slam the door on URTT as there are no longer gaping holes in their defense. SITE makes history and for the first time ever wins a game in week #2. They carry Jessica off the field who makes the decision to have Gary go valet park cars in a stunning 31-29 upset of Uncle Rico’s.    SITE WINS!!! SITE WINS!!!! 31-29

SITE +17 VS A&A: JZ is the bitter rival of SITE and last year was the only game they won. JZ is now on A&A. Matty Ice is no dummy and knows he is walking into a trap so he does the               right thing and makes JZ take the week off. This kills JZ inside. JZ can’t miss this game he won’t miss the game. JZ decides to go “incognito” and decides to go dress up as a homeless jobless  man. Yes JZ decides to dress up as B’s Brother. Matty Ice also knowing JZ would do this out flanks everyone as he places the call to the only man alive who can counter act all this silliness. Yes Matty Ice calls back Coach Van. The man with the head phones to the heavan’s makes his triumphant return and hands people his glorious pencil drawings of him having drunken couitus with a dead JZ corpse. SITE takes the field of battle and scores 11 TDS on JZ’s side of the field Lucky for A&A Matty Ice throws 12 tds in route to a 84-77 victory. JZ is promptly fired from A&A after this game. A&A 84-77

WEEK #4

SITE +21 VS MORNING WOOD: No one is happier this season than Mo Saleh. He won’t tell you this but I know two things: 1. He is in fact the godfather. 2. Mo was very afraid David “D Dub” Wilborn was heading to the Joey Batts super team.  I truly feel “D Dub” will be battling Jeremy Burr for most TDS this season in D3 and maybe the entire league. Having failed to cover Burr with 4 people Gary decides to cover “D Dub” with all 6 of his players. This of course fails miserably as well. Wilborn catches 9 TDS in route to an easy 63-12 victory. Rachel Parker stops by to check on Morning Wood and subsequently throat punches Gary twice then quits Morning Wood only to re-join them 7 minutes later. MORNING WOOD 63-12

WEEK #5: BYE WEEK

Things are bad for SITE as they are now 1-3. Things hit rock bottom for Gary as he secretly tries to go practice as he joins the weekly “football cult” with Emily and her disciples. Gary of course gets picked last and get torched for 13 tds in 23 minutes.

WEEK #6

SITE +6 vs STICKY BANDITS: OK now we are talking as SITE is only a 6 point underdog. SB is a solid team but they are hopping mad as they cry shenanigans as they are mad at TSL for forcing them to lose Dave Baker. SB knows Topper has a weird bromance going with Gary so they decide to make a point and they run up the score. Alex goes 78 for 79 for 167 yards and 8tds in route to a very easy 50-30 victory. After the loss Gary has a “players only meeting “ but only he shows up. STICKY BANDITS  50-30

SITE +7 VS COBBLESTONE FEATURING DARRYL CARR QB SUPERSTAR: OK now the stars are out. Gary slowly walks to the 50 for the coin flip and already is in awe of the greatness of Darryl Carr QB superstar. Gary gets lost in Darryl’s eyes. He is heard quietly mumbling “It’s magical, I mean how does a man get hair to look like that. There is a 25 MPH wind yet not one hair is out of place.” SITE is doing nothing through the air so Gary has a brilliant idea to try the wish bone offense because it worked in a college game he saw last week on TV. SITE rushes the ball 37 times for 13 yards in route to a depressing 38-6 loss. Darryl Carr goes Darryl Carr as he beats Gary for 5 TDS. Now that might sound like a lot but that is a huge improvement from last week. COBBLESTONE 38-6

WEEK #7

SITE +31 VS BULLET CLUB: Something doesn’t seem right. Gary just can’t put his finger on it. First play dude runs right by Gary, I know this isn’t surprising as most do but this guy was faster than normal. Then on the first play on offense the SITE QB tries to throw to Gary but Antoine Winfield pic 6 to the house. Gary finds out Antoine Winfield, Eric Moulds, Jerry Rice, Peyton Manning and Thurman Thomas now all play for Bullet Club. Once they are up 98-6 Joe K comes in for a play or two just to rub it in. Apparently Joe K finds a loop hole in the rule book where there is nothing against using former NFL or hall of fame players on your roster as they technically all only play “on one team” and ref a game or two. BULLET CLUB 98-6

WEEK #8

SITE +20 VS DMX: The game is played later in the day so at this point Topper has had too much to drink and Uncle Topper comes out and TSL starts burning to the ground. DMX seizes an opportunity goes and grabs their “mini ball” from the bag and they start making it rain out there. DMX starts crushing SITE with the long ball. Every time Uncle Topper walks but they put the small ball in the bag and then bring out the big one. They do this like 18x and send a cute girl over to Uncle Topper to keep him occupied in route to a solid 63-18 victory. They have now played 8 games and Gary has 0 TDS and has been beat on defense for 58 tds. DMX 63-18

WEEK #9

SITE +10 1 TOPPER TOO MANY: Team Topper needs this win to make the playoffs. The night before Drew sends Topper a message that he is going to get a tattoo of care bears and my little pony and will once again have to miss a must win football game. Topper once again looks up into the ski and cries “WHY GOD WHY?’ Topper tries something different without Drew instead of just beating Gary long like everyone else does he decides to beat Gray short and let his WRs run for gains. This strategy pays off as he scores 4 quick TDS. SITE tries everything they can to get Gray a TD but one pass bounces off his head, one breaks his sun glasses and one bounces right off his face. Though they try SITE loses a heart breaker 59-7. Team Toper heads to playoffs and once again gets bounced in the first round as Drew no shows the playoffs yet again. 1 Topper too many 59-7

OK so I just did the math and that makes 1-8 AGAIN. SITE will struggle to score and will struggle even more to stop people. Feeling bad Topeper hands Gary an award for “perfect attendance” at the banquet.

OK I’m beat that’s enough….CYA Saturday………..

*****Once again please join us at 2:00 for the first ever Topper’s Wheel of Hope wheel spin. Thanks to Angry Buffalo at the Rose Garden and Topper Sports for giving away a $100 Angry Buffalo gift certificate each week. Please note: you must be in the bar the time of the drawing to win. If it hits your team and you are not there we will spin again until there is a winner******