Ladies and Gentlemen and Klussmans of the TSL Universe, we’ve unfortunately made it to the final week of the TSL Spring 2025 Regular Season. It’s always a bittersweet week. First off, the sun JUST got here. Hopefully, it sticks around for the playoffs (And the upcoming wine tournament on August 9th! Details below!). On top of that, it’s last week of fun, carefree football with your friends, who will immediately become enemies at 3:00pm on Saturday. Why? Well, because that’s when the table is set for the Race For Social Co-Ed Immortality. Granted, you won’t officially know who your opponents are until Jeff punches the scores and records into the Magical Topper Playoff Decider Machine, but it also doesn’t matter if your own mother is standing across the field from you. At that point, she’s your enemy. You can get put back in the will after the games are played.
After a weekend with great weather that saw us toast Lenny and Rameer, the league’s focus turns to the playoffs. The final week of the season always has some stakes to it, and this week’s results always play a role in who ends up our champions. I did a quick check of the current standings however, and I’m not sure just how much there is to play for this week. Four of the divisions are decided, one of them technically isn’t but really is (D5), and D1 could have Legends and Eyes Downtown flip spots, but both are getting the byes. But there’s still some seeding to be determined for sure.
And of course, the RETURN of D1/D2 Crossover games! It’s a very exciting week for D2 to show just how much they do, or don’t, belong in D1. The games might not mean much in the standings, but they absolutely will on the field. No D1 team wants to lose to a D2 team, and you can bet your biscuits that every single D2 team wants to be the one to pull off the “upset”.
D1/D2 CROSSOVER CORNER!!
D1
LAST WEEK’S GAMES
Frodo Swaggins 37, Sticky Bandits 30
What A Dump 49, Freeballers 39
Eyes Downtown 18, What A Dump 13
Frodo Swaggins finally gets that signature win against a Top D1 team that they’ve been looking for, beating Sticky and potentially finishing as the 3 seed. What A Dump got a win over the Freeballers, but then they proceeded to lose to Eyes Downtown in the Bobby McConnell Revenge Game.
WHAT’S AT STAKE?: Not a whole lot. Legends and Eyes Downtown have the bye weeks, although they could flip seeds this week. The rest of the seeding might see some movement, but it’s doubtful.
D2
LAST WEEK’S GAMES
Can’t Touch This 28, The Malones 26
Mavericks 37, Jabronies 15
Mavericks 44, Scared Hitless 16
The Mavericks personally reminded the Jabronies and Scared Hitless that they’re in D2.5 and not on the level of the top half of the division, easily going 2-0 without breaking much of a sweat. Can’t Touch This beat The Malones in one of the best games of the entire season, and they’ve left the TSL Universe wanting another match, hopefully for the D2 World Title. But don’t take it from me, take it from D2 QB Of The Year Contender and Prize and Punishment Wheel PRIZE WINNER Ryan Dougherty, who was awarded the ability to write his own write up for this week’s article, and it will be published verbatim with zero edits. Take it away Ryan!
“CTT keeps the streak alive and completes an undefeated D2 season with a comeback win over the Malones. After scoring on their first drive of the second half, the Malones lost the lead faster than Robby lost the pounds when he started ozempic. CTT scored 22 straight points and blanked the Malones, winning 28-26. Allie, former D3 female athlete of the year, made big grabs all day including the game winning catch! What’s gotten into her lately…..Malones had a chance to win it but Jesse Broad, slept on D2 star and defensive player of the year to anyone that’s paying attention, sealed it with a pick with 50 seconds left. Jesse has an interception in every game this year and continues to put his stamp on the defense. Look for the “Missing” posters for Jack Myers around your local bars as he no showed another game. Last seen in DOC SULLIVANS”
Doc Sullivan’s? Check underneath the shuffleboard table. Maybe he’s there. Thank you Ryan!
WHAT’S AT STAKE?: Nothing. League Overlord Jeff Krol has announced that Show Me Your TDs are not going to appear in the playoffs, which means that Jabronies vs Scared Hitless is already penciled into the 4v5 first round playoff matchup. CTT has clinched the division, And while I don’t know if the 2 and 3 seeds can flip flop, they’re locked into a Mavs - Malones 2nd round match up anyway.
D1/D2 CROSSOVER GAMES THIS WEEK
STICKY BANDITS VS JABRONIES (+10) - A bit of a friendly rivalry renewed as these two teams have played in the past including some games with some bets in the past. I’m not sure the Jabronies are up for making bets this time around, but both teams could use the momentum going into the playoffs for sure. STICKY BANDITS BY 19
LEGENDS VS CAN’T TOUCH THIS (+7) - A battle of two future D1 rivals, we hope. CTT has played excellently, while the Legends sort of feel like they’re on cruise control until the playoffs. As much as I want to give CTT the big upset, I think the Legends get up for this one so they’re not the D1 team that lost to a D2 team. LEGENDS BY 10
FRODO SWAGGINS VS THE MALONES (EVEN) - The Malones just lost a heartbreaker, while Frodo just won one. Look for the big surprise right here. THE MALONES BY 3
WHAT A DUMP VS SCARED HITLESS (+9) - Quick, someone tell Scared Hitless this is a playoff game. I believe that if SH brings their playoff intensity, they can pull this one off. What A Dump has failed to impress, and it’s looking more and more like they’re a team that’s a pasty QB away from being really, really good. SCARED HITLESS BY 1 IF THEY TRY REALLY HARD
EYES DOWNTOWN VS MAVERICKS (+3) - I love the crossover games for times like this one. This game, on paper, looks so freakin’ awesome. Eyes Downtown and the Mavs are a combined 11-3 on the year, and they look really good. Neither team NEEDS this win, but both of them want it. Look for a hell of a game. EYES DOWNTOWN BY 4
D3
LAST WEEK’S GAMES
Bullet Club 31, D-Generation X, Y, and Z 24
Wanderers 35, Practice Squad 26
Passing While Intoxicated 48, Becca Gets Reccked 37
Buffalo Vice 27, GirthQuakes 6
Cunning Stunts 58, 716 35
Bullet Club 21, Becca Gets Reccked 21
Cunning Stunts 37, Passing While Intoxicated 26
That’s a lot of games. Bullet Club outlasted DXYZ before battling BGR to a tie to go 1-0-1 on the day, BGR also lost to PWI during the day to go 0-1-1. PWI later lost to the Stunts to go 1-1, but the Stunts later on also beat 716 so they were 2-0 on the day. Buffalo Vice easily handled the GirthQuakes, and lastly the Wanderers withstood another challenger to the D3 throne and took care of Practice Squad to stay undefeated.
WHAT’S AT STAKE?: Topper’s Super Secret Playoff Machine may explode here, as the teams from 2nd through 8th are close enough to make a million things shake out in 100 different ways. The three ties in D3 make figuring out seeding potentially impossible right now. What we do know is that the Wanderers have clinched the #1 seed and that regardless of the outcomes DXYZ and the GQs are in the First Round (7v10, 8v9) next week. After that? Who knows? D3 continues to be ridiculously fun to watch.
THIS WEEK’S GAMES
WANDERERS VS 716 (+13) - The Wanderers continue rolling through the division, while 716 keeps showing that they can score points, but preventing points is a bit of an issue. It’ll bite them here too. WANDERERS BY 8
PASSING WHILE INTOXICATED VS BUFFALO VICE (+5) - PWI started off 3-0 against teams currently in the “First Round”, and then they’ve proceeded to get smacked around by the top teams in the division, and they’re 1-3 in their last 4. Despite having a stud QB and TD Tori, their lack of having a true #1 male WR difference maker really doesn’t help them. Vice has played a really under the radar, solid season. They’re lurking for the playoffs. PASSING WHILE INTOXICATED BY 6
PRACTICE SQUAD VS BECCA GETS RECCKED (EVEN) - BGR continues the up and down season theme they always have, which of course has them at 3-3-1. They could end up as high as 3rd place with a win here, and a loss puts them in the First Round games (potentially). Practice Squad could finish as the 2nd seed with a win (and a Stunts loss/tie, because we have to point out ties here now). That Squad defense has been good all year, and it’ll carry them here. PRACTICE SQUAD BY 7
BULLET CLUB VS GIRTHQUAKES (+7) - The GirthQuakes haven’t had the best season, but considering the shakeup they went through early on, it’s to be expected. They’ll be in the First Round games no matter what, so this game doesn’t mean much to them other than “cool we won a game” excitement heading into the playoffs. Bullet Club has had an interesting season with injuries, two ties (a 2-3-2 record is just weird to see on the standings page), and some close losses. A win here, coupled with a 716 loss to the Wanderers (probable) and having either Buffalo Vice OR BGR lose gets BC out of the First Round games, and they could still finish as high as 5th. BULLET CLUB BY 10
CUNNING STUNTS VS D-GENERATION X, Y, AND Z (+10) - The Katherine Keller Bowl helps close out the Regular Season as the Stunts (who have done JUST fine in D3, who knew? Oh yeah, everyone.) look to lock up the #2 seed against the Kellers, who have had a season to forget. It’s very clear they need to go back to being called “3rd and Schlong” to rediscover the magic they once had. CUNNING STUNTS BY 14
D4
LAST WEEK’S GAMES
Bird Watching In My Birkenstocks 24, Vaspian 22
Interdimensional Lightning Falcons 62, Tater Tots 24
Mike’s Detailing 37, Vaspian 16
Puckett 32, Come From Behind 30
BWB sneaks by a very froggy Vaspian team, who would drop to 0-2 on the day with a later loss to Mike’s Detailing (Tell ‘em The Godfather sent you for a discount!). ILF just decimated the Tots, but that was more due to injuries and nonsense it seems. Puckett also snuck out a nice win over CFB.
WHATS AT STAKE?: The top 3 seeds. ILF is 6-1, MD and BWB are 5-2. If they all end up at 6-2, they’re at the mercy of the Magical Topper Playoff Machine that will do whatever it wants and will decide who finishes in what place. It could be the difference between playing Cobblestone or getting to deal with Come From Behind or the Tots.
THIS WEEK’S GAMES
COME FROM BEHIND VS VASPIAN (+3) - Vaspian hasn’t been playing too badly lately, even if they aren’t winning. They’ve really gotten it together in the second half of the season, while CFB is still floundering a bit. This will sound more shocking that it actually is. VASPIAN BY 8
TATER TOTS VS COBBLESTONE (+10) - The Tots were beat up last week in their big game, but Dave Marcus sent me an email to explain why. B got hurt, which made their best WR have to play QB, and he was hurt, and then someone else did it, and then someone else had to leave early so the iron manned the game with 3 guys and 3 ladies. Absolutely not the best way to play ILF. No idea if Cobblestone is going to show up for this one. TATER TOTS BY 21.
INTERDIMENSIONAL LIGHTNING FALCONS VS MIKE’S DETAILING (+3) - This is a BIG BIG BIG Week 8 game. Two superstar teams playing for (maybe) first overall and the potential bye week (a game against Cobblestone) in the playoffs. Both teams are good. Both teams are playing very well. MIKE’S DETAILING BY 2
BIRD WATCHING IN MY BIRKENSTOCKS VS COBBLESTONE (+10) - BWB needs a win to potentially finish 1st overall as well, and this is the perfect matchup for them. BIRD WATCHING IN MY BIRKENSTOCKS BY 21.
D5
LAST WEEK’S GAMES
Stir The Sauce 20, Sausage McMuffins 14
Mo’ Chicken 29, Pit Harade 19
Not So Sticky 25, Jake From State Farm 12
PowerPuff Girls 44, Two Tuddies 10
Stir The Sauce gets a nice win over the McMuffins, Mo’ Chicken takes out Pit Harade to finally get back into the win column. Not So Sticky handled JFSF pretty easily, but not as easily as the Powerpuff Girls beat up on the Tud Buds to keep control of D5.
WHAT’S AT STAKE?: Technically, the PPGs could lose both games and the Tuddies could win the division. That feels unlikely. D5 does have an 8v9 game for a first round game, and it’ll be some combination of 4 teams. Imagine if we got the STS vs JFSF playoff matchup though? How fun would THAT be?
THIS WEEK’S GAMES
PIT HARADE VS JAKE FROM STATE FARM (EVEN) - Pit Harade lost to Mo Chicken to currently hold down 9th place, but a win over JFSF (with a probably STS loss to the PPGs) would jump them up to 7th and a probable date with the Tud Buds in the playoffs. I want the STS - JFSF matchup in the 8v9 game, so lets speak it into existence. PIT HARADE BY 2
POWERPUFF GIRLS VS BLITZKRIEG (+8) - Blitzkrieg is having a fine D5 season, but the Powerpuff Girls are simply too good to contain, and they’ll enjoy D4 next season no matter what happens in the playoffs. POWERPUFF GIRLS BY 12
POWERPUFF GIRLS VS STIR THE SAUCE (+18) - STS got their feel good win last week before they get their feel bad loss this week. POWERPUFF GIRLS BY 27
NOT SO STICKY VS MO’ CHICKEN (+10) - Mo got a nice win last week and while they’ll look to keep it going against NSS, it doesn’t seem too promising. NSS has an outside shot at 3rd place. NOT SO STICKY BY 13
TWO TUDDIES VS SAUSAGE MCMUFFINS (+7) - Both teams suffered embarrassing losses last week, but I expect the Tuddies to bounce back a lot better than the McMuffins. TWO TUDDIES BY 7
D6
LAST WEEK’S GAMES
Balls Deep 47, Blue Ballers 30
TMA 38, Dogg Pound 19
Sticky Laces 28, Intentional Clowning 22
TMA 36, Select 30
TMA continues its fantastic season, putting up 2 wins with victories over the Dogg Pound and Select. Balls Deep knocked the Blue Ballers down a peg with a 17 point win, and Sticky Laces figured out how to win again, taking down the clowns on IC.
WHAT’S AT STAKE?: TMA’s undefeated season! They’re already the #1 seed. Balls Deep and Blue Ballers will be the 2nd and 3rd seeds in some fashion, and then everything from seeds 4-9 is pure insanity. If the following happens: Clowning beats Balls Deep, Sticky Laces beats the Milkers, Blue Ballers beat Dogg Pound, Select beats the Irish Giants, and then the Giants upset TMA we’ll have SIX teams tied at 3-5 records. That would be so much fun to see how that shakes out!
THIS WEEK’S GAMES
BALLS DEEP VS INTENTIONAL CLOWNING (+6) - Unfortunately, I don’t think the dream of a six way 3-5 tie will happen, mainly because Balls Deep has been playing VERY well, and it’ll take the best game of the year for the IC to upset them. BALLS DEEP BY 14.
TMA VS IRISH GIANTS (+10) - The Irish Giants stand in the way of TMA and a perfect regular season. On paper, it seems like TMA should be fine, but allow me to remind the Giants (who have a few members of GUCCI on the roster) that when GUCCI had an undefeated season in D5 and finished as the #1 seed, it was the 0-8 #8 seed TMA that ruined everything and beat them in the playoffs. There’s some motivation. TMA BY 8
SELECT VS IRISH GIANTS (+3) - Select continues to look better and better even if the wins aren’t always coming. They figure to be a tougher out in the playoffs than people are thinking, but for now they’re focused on this W against the Giants, and they’re gonna get it. SELECT BY 9
STICKY LACES VS RAW MILKERS (EVEN) - The Sticky Laces are fighting to be out of the 8v9 game when they figured they’d be playing the winner of that game by season’s end. While things have been better for them, they’re getting an underrated Raw Milkers team who are pretty fantastic as well. Should be a good game. RAW MILKERS BY 8
BLUE BALLERS VS DOGG POUND (+12) - The Blue Ballers lost a big game to Balls Deep, but they’re still very much in the D6 title mix. The Dogg Pound have been having a rough last couple of weeks, and you could hear Tino’s frustrations pretty clearly on the podcast with the play calling. We’ll see if it sparks them to victory. I doubt it. BLUE BALLERS BY 18
FIVE QUESTIONS FOR SATURDAY
TEN FINAL THOUGHTS BEFORE SATURDAY
-GF OUT